In my dream I was the star role of a play. The lead. The first show was a smashing success. The 2nd show was one week later. I’d not rehearsed one single time in the entire week. We stood backstage, moments before the curtain went up. I panicked. “Wait! I can’t remember the opening line! What is my line?”
Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. They were prepared and calm. I was not. My mind raced trying to recall that first line. “Just give me the first line and it’ll spark the rest. I have to get this right I mean the first time went perfect.”
They all continued looking at me.
I stopped and I prayed. “God, it’s you not me anyway. Please work through me and speak through me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.” Then I fled to the bathroom with mere minutes left.
Because dream world is just strange, somehow I lost track of time in the bathroom. It hit me as I looked in the mirror that I might be late and they might be waiting on me. Or worse, the show might be cancelled. Is it true that the show must go on. How would they pull it off if I weren’t there?
I found my way back as the last act played out. It went perfectly without me. The back up lead was there and ready. (It reminded me of that scene in the movie Wonder.)
The director assumed I got stage fright and left intentionally. I explained that I did have stage fright. But not because I was scared to be in front of people. But I was afraid of being exposed. Of everyone watching me stumble and fail with all lights on me. I explained that I lost track of time and was so sorry. She wasn’t bothered in the least.
She apologized that I missed my opportunity. Especially since my parents had flown all the way to Nebraska. I responded that I prayed before the show and the fact that I literally lost track of time and failed to show up must mean that it was God’s plan for the backup to lead the show.
Then I woke up.
I fell back asleep and had a second dream. In this dream our family went to a party. Jacob needed to be at work from 11-2:30. We dropped the ball and didn’t get him to work til his shift was over. He received attendance points against his file due to our lack of preparation.
Then I woke up.
I took a Psych class on dreams in college as an elective. It was by far my favorite class I ever took. Dreams have always fascinated me. They reveal so much of what is going on in our subconscious life.
I could have prettied up my dreams before sharing them here with you. They totally show you the pride and self-sufficiency God is still refining. It reveals my fears of failures (though I often say I don’t fear it. I really do. It’s our secret.) It reveals my need to please, succeed, achieve.
I mean I thought the play would fall apart without me. Insert emoji with the hand over my face. Honestly, it’s how I operate far too often. I feel as though if I don’t do it, it won’t get done or it won’t get done right. This is a form of perfectionism and pride. Over the last year I’ve been praying about this and releasing it little bits at a time.
There’s another message that stands out to me in the first dream. It’s that God’s will will prevail. His plans will go forth with or without me. My failure to participate means that I miss out on the blessing. God will still do what God will do. That play still went on. I just didn’t participate. In the opportunities that God places before me, it doesn’t all rest on me.
I can release myself from carrying that weight and burden He never asked me to carry. He places paths before me. They are opportunities. I can choose to flee when fear speaks. I miss out on the blessing. God’s plan goes forth with other people. Or I can stand in confidence and choose to step out on the stage and trust Him to speak through me when I don’t know what to say. God will be glorified. But what a blessing when we get to participate with Him!
I’m in a season right now of following God along new paths. They are scary. I have to remember it doesn’t rest on me. I need only rest in Him. If I am spending time in His Word and praying, then I can simply be at rest. Step by step I go with Him confidently.
At the home school conference I recently attended, the speaker talked about being ok with the bare minimum. I’ve NEVER been o.k with minimums. I strive for beyond the bar. If I set a goal, I’m rarely satisfied to meet the goal. I want to exceed it. It’s really a poor way to live. We are constant works in progress. Praise God He’s not finished with me yet.
The last 4 months God’s been speaking to me about simplification. I love simple. My mind complicates matters. Too many choices complicates matters. My desire to not make a mistake complicates things.
But in all areas of my life, God has been saying to simplify. I find it ironic that while He’s telling me to simplify, He’s led me into starting two separate businesses at the same time. He’s really teaching me to rely on Him!
I’m noticing how when I simplify, the drive towards perfection is lessened. Maybe this is why He’s leading me toward a simpler life.
Simpler meals. Who needs drastic, gourmet, fancy variety? Honestly, my boys love taco nights, pancake night, and soup night. Why do I strive for more?
Simpler homeschool. That means tuning out the ones driven to have their kids earn everything they can. It’s being ok with focusing on our most important priorities. Simplify. Don’t add in the extra geography lesson, the extra foreign language. Let it all go.
Last year my doctor told me to be ok with good enough.
Good enough. What is good enough? Good enough for who? That is the question. You see I’m the only one driving me to do more than is necessary.
I had a revelation recently that really convicted me. I used to say that I was driven because I cared so much about people I didn’t want to disappoint them. One day it struck me. I didn’t want them disappointed in ME. It wasn’t really about them at all. I actually cared more that they not be disappointed in me than I cared about their feelings of being disappointed.
When God brings these revelations, they are brought with such sweet mercy and tenderness, I melt. I find it hard to stand in His Presence because He is so good. He is beyond what I deserve. Why He doesn’t’ beat me over the head, I can’t fathom.
Why He doesn’t scold me and call me a selfish brat, I can’t understand. But it’s because He is perfect love. Perfect grace. Perfect mercy. Perfect justice.
He speaks. He waits. He lets us choose and fall. He picks us up. He says “I love you.” He doesn’t’ shame and guilt us. His loving kindness brings us to repentance. And it’s more than I can bear.
My drive for perfection is an attempt to take the throne and receive His glory.
So I lay it down again today. I’m sure I’ll pick it back up. I am human. I will forget.
He will still be kind because He doesn’t change. We will do it again.
I will learn a little quicker each time. I’ll offer myself grace and forgiveness. He offers it first. I’ll take His lead.
I will thank Him. For He is good and His love endures forever.
I say no to fear today. I will walk out on that stage even when I don’t know the words. His play will go on with or without me. I dare not miss the blessings of watching Him glorified.
|Join our community of readers by clicking here. You will receive some fun downloads to enjoy.
In case you didn’t know, I’ve written and recorded a devotion on releasing our fears and anxieties by learning to see God for who He is. It’s called Illuminate. Find out more here and listen to a sample.
And if you want to give gifts or fill your home with reminders of God’s goodness, check out my new online shop!
My heart is to encourage and inspire you to follow God with wholehearted, fearless courage.