Yesterday was September 27th. All day I had this nagging feeling about the date. Was it someone’s birthday I was forgetting? An anniversary? Why every time I saw the date, did I feel a twinge of something I couldn’t put my finger on? Driving Andrew home from preschool it hit me. His constant chatter brought the recollection to the forefront of my mind. In the midst of his chatter, he said, “I love God. I want to hug him.” That’s when I remembered.
September 27th, 2007 was the day we found out we would likely miscarry one, possibly two babies. I had no real reason to suspect any problems with the pregnancy. Until I had my quiet time with the Lord the morning of the ultrasound. I walked away from my time with God knowing something wasn’t quite right. Deep in my soul, I knew that even when things don’t seem right, God makes all things right.
The morning of September 27th, I read Psalm 27, 57, 87, 117, and 147. Here are a few verses that God used to reveal trouble lay ahead and to encourage me that He would be right there with me.
Psalm 27:5 “For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.”
Psalm 57:1 “Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.”
Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
I walked into the doctor’s office that day with a different feeling than the prior two times I had been pregnant. I sat on that cold table in complete silence waiting for the ultrasound to begin. The door opened, and I tried to unclench my sweating fists. She was talking excitedly as is expected when you are discussing new life. She didn’t know that just that morning I had begun to believe today would not be an exciting day for me.
She calculated that I would be around 8 weeks so a heartbeat should be detected. I stared at the white ceiling as she patiently tried to locate the heartbeat. I’d glance at her face, but she remained focused. “Sometimes it’s hard to hear this early. We’ll keep trying.” And she did. “I see two of something, but I’m only picking up one heartbeat. And it’s very slow.” She was telling me what I already knew. The Lord showed me kindness that morning in preparing my heart for what I would hear that morning.
She went to get the doctor, who came in after reviewing the ultrasound. Her words were not comforting in the least. She actually said something along these lines, “I’ve never seen anything like this before.” Honestly, I didn’t hear much of what she tried to explain to me. None of that mattered to me. All that mattered is that I had 1 baby that had a slow heartbeat and possibly another that had already died. The due date they estimated would fall on Mothers Day of 2008.
The rest of that day is a blur. I called Steve pretty hysterical. I called my sister and my mom sobbing. I laid on my couch crying all day. For how many days did I cry? I really don’t know. My emotions were all over the place. Hormones were raging. Desperately, I begged God to save the baby or babies. Let it be a mistake. In the end, I would just rest in Him. It was all I was able to do.
I woke up September 28th and followed the same Bible reading plan I had followed the previous morning. I read Psalm 28, 58, 118, 148.
He washed me in His comfort. Only the way He can. No one else could comfort me. But He could. Because He formed me. He knows me. He loves me enough to sacrifice His own Son to die for me!
Psalm 28:16 “Praise be to the Lord for he has heard my cry for mercy.”
Psalm 28:7 “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and I am helped.”
Psalm 118:1 “Give thanks to the Lord for he is good; his love endures forever.”
And then I read this
1 Peter 1:6-7 “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”
We waited for 1 week for a 2nd ultrasound. The week was long, which now I’m grateful for. It was a week of pain, yes. But it was a week of seeing God in a way I had never seen Him before. The comfort I experienced from Him that week I can’t put into words.
How do we know the character of God without pain and trial? How do we see his tender mercies if we aren’t in need?
1 week later there were no heartbeats to be heard. We grieved. We were heartbroken. But we had God. And we had His faithfulness.
Our prayers weren’t answered with a yes that day. It was a “not yet”. The following November, on Thanksgiving Day, Andrew was born. How fitting God chose Thanksgiving as Andrew’s birthday. We had much to be thankful for. Thankful for new life. Thankful for salvation. Thankful for His love that endures forever. Thankful for every moment He allows.
God is good. Always. Even when we are feeling intense pain. God is still good. In the pains of this world, He’s all we’ve got that is worthy of clinging to.
