Don’t Give Your Kids Chores

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To listen to the audio recording of this post, click here.

I admit, I chose this title to get you to open the post. Now that we’ve established that, I’ll explain.

I am queen of systems. I love a fresh new way of doing things. Since my boys were little we have tried all kinds of creative variations to get more work done with less complaining. We’ve memorized scripture, we’ve crafted beautiful Pinterest systems. Years and years of new systems that worked beautifully for about 10 days before becoming stale.

I attempted various ideas regarding allowance. Allowance vs no allowance. The problem we encountered when offering allowance based on chores is that each time I asked them to do something not on their chore list, they thought they deserved to be paid for it. It began to make them even more self-focused than they already were. So we ditched that.

Then I read an article that really changed how I viewed “chores”. The perspective was a new one for me, which led me to make some changes. No longer would we view chores as chores. They would simply become a responsibility we all share because we live in this house together as a family.

In the recent months, we threw out all forms of chore charts. I explained to the boys that we are a family and each have a responsibility to serve the family and to take care of all household duties. This means that when the table is cleared at dinner, you don’t simply grab your own dirty plate and cup. You look beyond yourself and see the entire table. You serve your family.

You don’t simply clean your own room, clean your own bathroom mess, clean your own dirty clothes. No, you look around the house with eyes of a servant. The entire house is all of ours. If we focus on our own mess, we focus on ourselves only.

No longer did I want to hear, “But that’s not my mess.” It doesn’t really matter. If we all clean up after ourselves initially, then collectively there is less to clean up. Seems pretty simple.

Children are capable of doing so much more than we give them credit for. A 2-year-old can wipe counters, dust shelves, and sweep a floor. A 4-year-old can fold towels, a 5-year-old can vacuum. It won’t be perfect, but it’s the habit and heart we are aiming for. The quality of work comes with age and practice.

Only a few short years ago, I would ask one of the boys to sweep the kitchen. When they weren’t looking, I would go behind them to really sweep. Now, they do a better job than I do, and I don’t have to go behind them anymore. In the training years, we can set the expectation that it will take 2 to 3 times as long to get anything accomplished, and the quality won’t be spectacular. If we can look past the outward appearance, and see instead what we are creating inside them, it’s worth the effort.

By our nature we are selfish, self-centered, and prone to feelings of entitlement. These are the very things I want to work out of my kids while I have them in our home.

I told the boys a few months ago that going forward, we are ditching the chore charts and the formal assignments of “chores”. From now on, we are all all-in. Whatever needs to be done, I assign out. It will vary from day to day. I don’t want to hear that you did that yesterday, it’s not your mess, or it’s not fair. Instead we are all going to develop an attitude that we will serve our family out of love. (I wish I could say I don’t hear these thoughts anymore, but I do. And the prayer is that over time, they will become less and less.)

Serving the family is no longer a chore, it’s an act of love. At least that is the goal and the hope.

“Last year we paid you an allowance based on the chores you did. That didn’t go so well because anything not on your list, you complained about and tried to demand payment for it. We’ve decided instead we want to give you a free gift each week. It’s not based on your work quality, the amount of chores you completed, or even if it is deserved. It’s a totally free gift that you don’t deserve. We are giving you an allotment of money each week out of the kindness of our hearts. You didn’t earn it, you won’t earn it, it is yours. And we will help you learn to manage your money.”

I had their attention here, so I continued. “We are sinners, yet while we were sinners, God sent His One and only Son that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. It was a free gift that we couldn’t earn, didn’t deserve, but had to accept for it to become ours. The money we give you each week, you will not earn, you won’t deserve, it’s given to you freely, but you must accept it for it to become yours. Just like salvation is available to all, but it must be accepted on an individual level to become personal. Each week you receive this money, think about the gift of your salvation. Don’t let the gospel become stale in your hearts.”

When they were little we followed the Dave Ramsey system of envelopes where each time they received money, they would place 10% or more in give first, then a portion in save and a portion in spend. Each week they receive their free allowance, they are required to put money into give first and encouraged to pray about where God would have them give that money. Beyond that they can determine how they divide up their save and spend and we help them set goals and determine plans for achieving those goals.

We have a long way to go still, but the good news is that we have plenty of opportunities. I desire my boys to have strong work ethics, to give their best attitude in all they do. Our role as parent is to provide the training grounds for that to happen. It won’t happen naturally.

We have a fairly small yard, and a couple of years ago my husband said to me, “If we didn’t have boys, I would have a lawn company take care of the yard to free up some of my time. But I don’t want our boys growing up having someone take care of that and not learning the lessons that come with learning to cut the grass, trim the bushes, and take care of your home.”

At 9-years-old the boys began learning to cut the grass. Little steps at a time. A few strips of grass with him at their side teaching safety and respect for the machine. Do they love cutting the grass? No. But they are learning it’s just what we do, and if we are going to do it, we might as well do it well and with a good attitude.

My hope is that habits created will influence the hearts within them.

Scripture to pray and memorize:

Ephesians 6:7 “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men.”

Philippians 2:5 “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death – even death on a cross!”

Philippians 2:14 “Do everything without complaining or arguing.”

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