“Sometimes I just wonder who am I to write to encourage others. I mean I struggle constantly and fail daily. So who do I think I am to do what I’m doing? Maybe I’ve misinterpreted God. I wonder if people think ‘Who does she think she is?’ ”
She listened to me, nodding in agreement. My insecurities climbed another notch.
It’s kind of like asking your husband if the pants make your butt look big. If he isn’t quick to reassure you, then you spend the rest of your life thinking your butt is bigger than it is. It lingers in the back of your mind for life, and you never let it go. Or so I’ve heard….
I was fishing. I wanted affirmation that I was good enough to do what I wanted to do and what I felt God had called me to do. I thought God would surely send that message through my friend. I looked to my friend for reassurance rather than the One who placed the desire in my heart. This conversation took place before Seeking Christmas released.
I continued on, “Sometimes I wonder if I write because that is what God called me to do or if it’s me just following my own desires and dreams. Maybe He didn’t call me to write and it’s just something I love to do.”
For years I wrote out of a desire in my heart. A desire I kept hidden. Thoughts battled inside me that led me to believe a calling from God would look big and highly sacrificial. That it would be something highly uncomfortable, so I began to wonder if I was wrong. I’ve come to realize that God’s callings can look big or small, and no matter the size, He will do with them what He chooses – for His glory.
Insecurity held me back. Insecurity rooted in fear.
I kept the desire somewhat hidden out of fear. Fear of ridicule. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of disappointment. Fear of exposure. Fear of imperfection. Fear of comparison. Fear of…..the list is endless.
I feared, quite simply, myself. More than anything I feared myself. I asked myself the question “Who Am I?”. The better question is “Who is He that despite me can use me?”
Desires lie within each of us. Desires that desire to be awakened. Who placed those desires within us? Who created us with a natural bent towards something? Who makes our heart beat a little faster for something? Who does that?
What causes us to feel deeply? What causes us to really come alive? When those desires are tapped into, do we feel a deeper purpose in our moments?
These are just a few questions I began exploring in my life. When asked the question ‘What is our purpose in life?’, we spout off the answer we know. “To glorify God.” But how? How do we glorify God in our daily lives? I began searching.
I recognized the desire the Lord placed in my heart. However, the desire didn’t fully come awake until I took the first step forward. With each step the desire grew. It grew from a desire into a flaming passion. Each trample on the head of fear allowed something to grow in its place. Something had to die in order for new life to occur.
The awakening won’t happen when fear is given the front seat. Desire and passion will lie dormant in the backseat until fear is given the boot. Fear must be put in its proper place in order to awaken, fully awaken, the passions that are desperate for the front seat.
We don’t have to be the best at what we do to do what we were called to do. We just have to do it to the best of the gifts and abilities He has given us. This is counter to the perfectionistic world we live in. We can’t all be the best. We won’t all be the best.
As I began writing this post, I realized it would end up becoming more of a mini-series. I watched the word count climb as I unpacked this piece by piece. In order to keep you with me on this journey, I’ve broken it up into multiple posts. I hope you stick around.
Fear is the theme the Lord has been swirling around my head these days. Not the fear of the unknown or the unexpected twists and turns of life. It’s the everyday kinds of fears.
Would you journey with me through the book of Nehemiah? We will explore Nehemiah and how he recognized a desire, which became a passion. How he used his abilities to act on that passion for God’s glory. How he faced fears and moved forward anyway. And how he inspired a people to rebuild a wall. It’s an amazing story.
Here’s the thing, some of you reading this have desires tucked away. Some of you have passions burning, some brighter than others. Some of you haven’t taken the step forward because fear (also known as your inner critic) has been speaking too loudly. Some of you are believing fear’s lies (your desire isn’t big enough or your desire is impossible).
In this New Year, get ready to come awake.