Recently I panicked. Completely. Everything I worked so hard to do seemed to be more than I could handle. Everywhere I turned I felt I was failing someone or somewhere. I couldn’t return phone calls, follow up on important tasks.
The weight of homeschooling, running 2 businesses, writing, and simply being wife, mom, friend, volunteer, etc seemed to come down on me like a heavy weight. The pace I’d been running was unsustainable.
Here’s what I started to do. Find my escape route. My reason out. My excuse to quit everything. This is what happens when my margin narrows. It pushes on my soul, and I feel I’m suffocating.
I asked Steve and one friend to pray with me. After my panic settled over me, His peace flooded my soul. He began to speak. The rest of the week, I took it in. I continued moving forward. I didn’t actually quit anything. I just moved slowly.
God showed me 2 things.
I’m addicted to the high moments, the spiritual mountain tops, the big wins. I love change and challenges. I feed on the adrenaline rush in these times. I need newness, and when the new wears down and the hard kicks in, I begin to squirm.
I’m afraid of success. This sounded ridiculous to me the first time I heard it listening to The Secret Code of Success. In fact I retold that part of the book to Steve pridefully. “That is NOT me.”
Turns out I have some unidentified fears. It wasn’t that I actually feared success exactly. It is that when I reach a point that feels like success, I become scared of the higher expectations I’ll need to live up to. I’m afraid of failing at yet another thing. Yet, I claim I’m not afraid to try and fail.
Here’s what I discovered. I reach a point of success, and I want the control. So if I back out gracefully, it is on my own terms. I didn’t actually fail. The pride runs deep, my friends. I’m so grateful God’s not through with me yet.
The entire week God held me in a state of peace. One evening I read The Tortoise and the Hare to Andrew. We have the version from a Chick-fil-A kids meal so many years ago. I could just sense God reminding me to keep that steady pace. It’s ok if I don’t run a sprint. I just need to keep going at a pace I can manage.
When I faced resistance I began to doubt God’s direction to me. I began asking God if He was sure.
I don’t know if you do this too. But I will know I’ve heard God. I follow the direction He’s leading, but then I want continued reassurance every few steps. When I trip or stumble I immediately believe I heard wrong. I begin to question everything I thought I knew.
When we moved to Nebraska in 2017, a friend told me to journal everything God told me during the preparation and transition. She said I would need the reminders when we settled in. We’d begin to question why we found ourselves in the middle of the country so far from everything we’ve ever known. She was right. I referred to my prayer journal often in those first 6 months.
I need to spend more time remembering and less time second guessing. It’s not that God changed what He said. I’ve just forgotten. The more time I spend in His Word, the quicker I am to distinguish His voice from the bellowing of the world.
|I spend a little less time writing these days since I’ve followed God’s direction in starting 2 businesses. One is right here on the blog. If you click on Shop you can find much of what’s been keeping me busy.
I would be so appreciative if you supported me by sharing my shop with your friends and family.
Christmas is around the corner. Maybe your gift list includes people in need of reminders of God’s goodness and faithfulness.
My newest addition is my favorite to this point. It’s a luxurious, velveteen, zipper-closured pillowcase. The only problem is you may find it harder to get out of bed in the morning.
A few of my favorite items to help you journal your thoughts, prayers, ideas, lists and all the things.
You are so often in my thoughts and prayers. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed at the community, friendship, and loyalty you offer me. It’s a noisy online world and you are still here with me. This blog is the only thing I didn’t consider quitting.
Thank you for the notes you send. And thank you for sharing with your friends and family and social media.