The Moment You Say Never Is The Moment You Will

One July I thanked God for calling me to write and not speak. I said to myself that I would never speak….only write. Two months later I had 4 speaking engagements lined up.

God is hysterical like that. Really He is.

I’ve had several “I will never do that” type of moments. For me, God 100% of the time turns those into “I never would’ve imagined I’d do that, but God” types of moments.

You would think I’d learn lessons faster than I do. God has taken a never of mine and brought me to surrender. Again.

Here’s a few things I’ve said in the past years. I could never homeschool Jacob because we are too much alike. And…. I could never homeschool Andrew because of his learning disabilities. Maybe something like this. I could never homeschool Zachary because he has such a zeal for life and lights up around his friends, I could never take him out of that.

You following me? Yes, God did that. At a time like this. When it makes no sense to me.

We are homeschooling next year. More on that in a minute, so keep reading.

Bottom line, God wants my whole heart. Whole heart. Not half. Whole.

That means following Him wherever He leads, whenever He says go, no matter my own desires. My desires trip me up because I’m quite good at making those desires fit into this tidy little box dressed up with a bow screaming, “God, I’m yours.” But when I open up that box and dig around inside, I find a mess. Tangled up desires forming knots with selfishness and pride.

God use me, I’m yours. Take me anywhere. Do anything. Make me putty in Your Hands.

I’ve prayed these words. I wonder now did God say, “I will take you. I will mold you. I will use you. But. Trust me. Just trust me. I want Your whole heart. Every ounce of it. I want you to trust me so much that no matter where I take you, you will rest in me. I have more for you than you’ve ever imagined. But in your fear, you won’t trust me, and you won’t surrender to me. Surrender everything to me. Follow me.”

I didn’t hear the Lord speak these words. But I can imagine Him saying them to me. I know His character.

God has taken me in a complete circle in my journey with motherhood and ministry. We are starting back at a place similar to where we started many years ago.

When my boys came into my life, I wanted to soak up every second. Intentional became my favorite word. I wanted Steve and me to be the greatest influence in their little lives. I wanted us to point them towards Jesus every second of every day. I wanted to take seriously the command to talk about God as we walked along the road, when we lied down, and when we rose again. I wanted to be the one to see all the first moments. I wanted to be there for all those conversations that come out of nowhere that lead to heart stopping moments.

I wanted to not take a moment for granted. I wanted to live intentionally for the Lord.

I would cringe when moms would say (in front of their children) how they couldn’t wait for school to begin again. I’d grieve my kids going back to school. Getting back into the swing of routines that made me miss the best of them. Coming back together with all the worst versions of ourselves. Our tired, worn down, grace passed out all day, selves that let our guards down and let our sin flow freely.

But. There was another part of me that loved my time. My time while the kids were away at school that I could “do” ministry. I could write in peace and quiet to encourage moms. I could prepare for speaking events. I could plan and lead women’s ministry.

A part of me began to build an identify in my ministry. A part of me began to seek acceptance in serving the Lord. A part of me liked feeling good about doing “great” things for God.

The prayer that I believe God continues to use to lead me is the one I’ve prayed without realizing what I’ve been praying. “God, protect me from myself.”

In His Sovereign goodness, He protects me from myself repeatedly.

In the last year, God has shifted my course multiple times. I will hear God direct me, I follow Him. I feel like I’ve solved a mystery. I see where we are going. I feel like I’ve really figured something out. Shift. Change.

It happens in an instant. So I follow. Repeat. Shift. Change.

Here we go again.

This has been the pattern of the last year. For 4 years I was going in one direction. Raising my children, while beginning and growing a ministry to encourage and inspire parents, moms, women. It turned from writing a book into blogging into speaking into women’s ministry at my church. Until God changed direction and called me to serve in my church, I thought I knew where my ministry was going. Now I realize that I had it all wrong. He’s been teaching me something all along, and I’m just now getting it. He wants me to learn to surrender in an instant. Shift. Change. And follow Him wholeheartedly

Oh, my friends, I’m grateful you are along for the ride with me.

I LOVE  the school my children attend. Love it so much that I really can’t begin to write about it. I’ve also always loved the idea of homeschooling. I love the model. I love my friends who do it. But deep down in my heart, I’ve been really grateful that God had us in a school that we loved so much because that gave me my “out”. Here is what I would say, “If I didn’t love our school so much, I would homeschool.”

The Lord is leading us to homeschool. And I don’t know why. He has confirmed this in multiple ways. And none of those have anything to do with the school. It’s interesting to me how God chooses to work. In the one area that has held me away from homeschooling, God did NOT use to confirm what He was asking of me. It’s almost as though He wants me to practice really listening to Him. Really discerning His voice over other voices. And testing my heart.

What He spoke to me was personal. It wasn’t a blanket statement meant for anyone but my family. He did NOT say that homeschooling was better than private or public education. Instead He simply said, “Homeschool the boys.” He didn’t say a time frame. He didn’t say if it’s forever or a short season. He just told us to do it.

Am I really willing to surrender? Surrender my time. Surrender my ministry. Surrender my service. Surrender my will.

The night I surrendered to the Lord in this area, I felt His peace wash over me. The fight to hold onto my will exhausted me. Surrendered to Him, I could rest finally.

While I’m at peace over this decision, I’m grieving at the same time. I know this is what the Lord has asked of us. I’m learning that while surrender releases peace, it releases a strange mix of emotion.

Part of me is sad. I can’t begin in this post to write about our school. It’s a family. They love my boys. And here come the tears again….so, like I said, I can’t write about that right now. Maybe later.

Twice this year I’ve given a talk that I now see was a prophetic talk meant for me. Right before God has done the shift change thing, I’ve given talks the Lord has brought back to mind as He’s called to me. I hear Him now saying, “Remember these words. Follow Me.”

He never promised us following Him would be easy. But He promised He would never leave us. We can rest assured that He holds our hand, He lights our path, He directs our steps. He is good in every way. We can trust where He leads us. No matter how scary it looks.

If the Lord wills, I will continue to blog and lead the women at my church. But a full speaking schedule will go on hold for a season. It’s hard to put something aside that you love. The Lord knows our desires and hearts, so I trust Him.