What I wish I’d known in my 20’s and as a newlywed

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“Mom, is it scary when you get married?”

“No, it should be very exciting. You’ve never seen a wedding have you?”

Until that moment, I forgot our boys had never watched our wedding video. Those videos now burrow into the depths of outdated dvd’s that seem to never see the light of day. Until snow storm Jonas arrived.

The boys grabbed their blankets and raced to the family room with anticipation. We popped the dvd in as silence filled the room and we held our breath awaiting the magic to unfold.

The intro music began. Steve broke the silence first, “Did we get married in like 1950 or something?”

My initial gasp exhaled into fits of laughter, “Oh my goodness! It looks so….so….old fashioned! And we thought we were so cool!” I mean the first clip looks like clip art wedding bands floating to a black background.

And the music selection for the video. Oh my stars. Really? Why did I pick such depressing music to play to our baby and childhood pictures? Did no one offer me any opinions??

It was fun listening to the boys giggle at our silly pictures and to watch their faces as they saw a part of us they’d never seen before. They know us as mom and dad and that is all. They don’t know us as goofball teenagers. When the picture flashed on the screen of Steve and me on a rent-a-junior spirit day at school and Steve was standing behind me as I’m dressed like a jock – jock strap and all- they bellowed, “Mom!!! I can’t believe you did that!”

But the depressing music selection. Goodness. Observation #1, I should’ve allowed more input and opinions in my wedding planning.

Steve and I both watched with emotions trapped in our chest and throat taking turns between kicking through to full blown tears and back again to tear glazed eyes. They’d flow then stop. Flow then stop. A few laughs here and there.

At a pause in laughter, Zachary said, “Mom, you sound like Princess Leia.”

“What!!” I don’t know what I said on the video that made him think that, but Zachary begins giggling in his best Leia voice, “You’re my only hope.”

Steve cued in instantly, “Yes, son, your mom thought I was her only hope.”

More laughing to break up the tears.

Then the moment that I heard my voice on tape. I shook my head. No. No I don’t. No I don’t sound like that. Did I? Did I really talk like that?

I knelt to my 3 year old nephew, now a freshmen in college, and said, “Kiss me on my (pronouced with the southern version of the long I sound) nose (turned from a one syllable into a 2 syllable word).”

“Mom! Listen to you. You sound so. Country. You don’t sound like yourself at all.”

My first boss taught me a lot of life lessons. I still think back on those lessons. I think I’ll share them soon. One of the first lessons he taught me is to change the way I talked. “Renee, clients will mistake a country/southern accent for unintelligence.” I’m a fast learner. I knew this was his way of saying, “Drop the country sound so our clients will take you seriously and know you are actually quite bright.”

I worked hard on it. So hard that I’d erased it from my memory completely. Until I heard it.

So many reflections on that day and season of our lives over 15 years ago. So much I wish I’d known at 24 that I now know at 39. So much I wish I could tell every young 20 something embarking on this new phase of life.

  • At 24 and 25, we thought we knew it all. We thought we had the world figured out. We thought we were incredibly wise in many respects. At 39 I look back and think what a baby I was at 24, at a time I thought I had reached maturity and adulthood. I had a fantastic job that paid extremely well right out of school. I’d passed the CPA exam. I was marrying the love of my life. We had amazing family and friend support. For that moment in time, life appeared perfect. In hindsight, I see how naive we both were, and I believe that is actually a gift. I wish I had known that we had only begun the process of maturing into adulthood and that we hadn’t actually arrived yet. I thought marriage was arriving. It only began.
  • We received gifts at our rehearsal that we failed to open and embrace at the time.  When Jacob was 3 months old, my dad bought him a Red Ryder BB gun. We laughed at the time that our 3 month old had a gun. We held onto it for him. At 12, he treasures his gun. It was a gift given by a special person in his life, but he couldn’t appreciate it at the time he received it. At the rehearsal dinner many stood up and offered words of love, encouragement, and support. Hearing those words 15 years later spoken about us was like finally growing up to be able to hold and use that special gift we weren’t quite big enough to handle when we first received it. Words hold life giving power. Use them wisely. Use them to breathe hope and encouragement. Use them to create in someone what may only be a glimmer right now. Look for the good and speak it into their lives. I wish I had seen the gift of those words that night and continued to open them through the years to receive that gift repeatedly. Those words held shaping powers.
  • We failed to give gifts in our power to give. After our friends and family offered toasts, Steve and I each took a turn sharing some words. I braced myself as I watched this scene on video, my soul inching to the edge of my seat. I just knew the words would flow like wisdom from our mouths, cascading refreshment and love all over our loved ones. Ummm. That didn’t happen. We each said a lot of nothing. We said words, but the words made no sense. Ok, maybe there were nerves at play. But really? Why didn’t we prepare ahead of time? Why didn’t we realize that our wedding was more than all about us? Why didn’t we bless our parents? Or our friends? Words are blessings. We had the opportunity to bless, yet we didn’t. Our focus was on ourselves and the excitement of that weekend and we missed an opportunity to pour out blessings. I wish I had prepared heartfelt words to give as gifts to my family, to Steve’s family, to our friends. Real words, not filler words. Life-giving, heart shaping words.
  • We had the most christian appearing services, yet were as lost as two souls could be. All these years we have shared with the boys how we didn’t grow up as followers of Christ, and how thankful we are for the gift of our salvation from a God that chased us down our entire lives. Yet to watch our service, you would never know we weren’t followers of Christ.
    • The songs played, the words spoken, the covenant made with God, the prayers. I have so many reflections on this. We met with the pastor prior to him marrying us. It was a pastor from a nearby church because we didn’t go to church, we didn’t have our own pastor or our own church home. But we knew it was only proper and right to be married in a church by a pastor. This pastor I’m certain knew within 2 minutes we weren’t believers. He could have turned us away. He could have told us he could not marry us because we weren’t saved. He could have embarrassed us. He could have done a lot of things he didn’t do. He didn’t play along with us. In other words, he didn’t make us think we were saved when we knew we weren’t. But he showed us respect, kindness, and grace. I’m convinced that he prayed for us and believe that his prayers for our marriage were pivotal in us coming to Christ within months of marriage. I watched our ceremony and listened to the prayer he prayed for us and thought, “What if that was the moment that everything shifted?”
  • That look in my eyes for Steve I thought would always look just that way. The thing both Steve and I noticed in that video is the excitement in my eyes. The way I looked at Steve, with such deep love, really looking into his eyes and staying there. I had eyes only for him. I remember saying to Steve right before we got married how I bet we loved each other more than anyone else in the whole world. I just didn’t think it was possible for any woman to love her husband more than I loved Steve. Just wasn’t possible.
    • I wish I had been more intentional with how I communicated with my eyes to him over the years. I didn’t realize that when we began having kids everything really changed. I didn’t have as much time to gaze into his eyes. And I was covered in spit up and didn’t want to gaze into his eyes and hear about his day. I wanted to hand over the baby and run away and cry by myself. Then a 2nd baby. Then a 3rd. Then financial decisions. And the weights of life increased and with each new weight we took on just seemed to make it that much harder to remember the magic that was there in the beginning. BUT.
    • It’s actually better now because of all the things that made some seasons hard. Those are actually the very things that have strengthened our marriage, our commitment to each other, and our love and respect for each other. I wish I had watched our wedding video more often through the years, to remember that what we so easily showed is still there only greater, we just need to remember to lavish each other with it.

And a few more insights:

  • Time moves fast. So fast that a video we thought was super hip and cool now looks like it was filmed when my mom was born. While seasons shift and time races, God’s truth remains timeless. Wedding styles change. Bridesmaid dresses end up at Goodwill. New adventures take shape that make life take a new twist. But His Word stays true. His promises never change. The blessings from a marriage that puts Him front and center- nothing can come close in comparison. That will never change.
  • Regrets are useless in my opinion. That list above, it’s not a list of regrets I am dwelling on. Instead, I see gifts hidden all through that list. I see opportunities to share deeper insights with our children, to be intentional blessings to loved ones, to make eternal impacts in the lives of others. Looking back and seeing what we wish we had known doesn’t make me wish I could go back and do it all over again. I know the path God has placed us on has been perfect and He uses ALL  things for our good. It makes me grateful for growth, change, and opportunities.
  • Each day is a new day for fresh hope and change. Sometimes it comes so gradually we don’t even see it happening. Like the fact that I talked like I was raised in the deep south my entire life and somehow have dropped the long vowel south. I was changing and didn’t even know it. God is always changing us, even when we don’t see the change. He is always molding and shaping us more into His likeness every day. May we ask Him to make us like putty in His hands.
  • We are growing up more and more each day. Wisdom is a gift from God. I thought I had it at 24. I’m grateful He’s given a little more with each passing year and pray He will continue to give even more. It’s a timeless gift and invaluable in marriage.

The sweetest moment came when one of our boys said, “I loved watching that video. I see you and dad in a whole new way. It’s neat to see you in a time before you were a mom and a dad.” A glimmer of newness in those eyes.

Fresh hope, new opportunities, and grace are around every corner. Sometimes it takes looking back to receive the reminders we need today.

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