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6 steps to creating fail proof goals & habits

Inspiration to set goals and habits.

I was so inspired by all the motivation I saw on my Instagram feed last week, the first week of a New Year. It seemed each post was filled with determination, clarity, and focus. I read grit in those posts.

For me the start of something new is exciting and challenging. I’m on fire because a part of me is addicted to new and change. I’m much less inspired to keep moving forward when that newness wears off or when others fall off the excitement wagon, or simply….when the plan turns down a difficult path.

Quitting when it’s hard

When Andrew was younger, he overheard me telling his brothers I planned to fast on that particular day.

“Mom, I’ll fast with you today!”

A couple hours later, I found him in the kitchen enjoying a snack.

“Andrew, I thought you were fasting with me today?”

“Oh, I decided to fast until I got hungry.” He turned his attention back to his fast turned feast without skipping a beat.

I can relate to Andrew. Without the proper mindset before moving down that path, at the first bump, I’m ready to jump off the wagon.

How long does it take to create a new habit?

I’m currently listening to the audible version of Your Best Year Ever by Michael Hyatt.

In his book he talks about the lack of science behind the idea of a new habit taking 21, 30, or some variation of these days to create. The rest of what he explained in this chapter really stirred my mind to think about the habits I’ve created and the ones I’ve wanted to create which I’ve failed at.

The struggle is real

I began thinking about the people who have reached out to me about wanting to get healthy and how they’ve tried and failed so many times they don’t want to fail again. My heart aches because I know the genuine struggle they are facing.

I can see how we could feel hopeless if we expect a habit to take root after a mere 20, 30, or 40 days. Maybe some do. But not the more challenging ones.

As I underwent the torture of allowing heated wax to cool and rip off my eyebrows, I chatted with the gal about habits and such. We talked about our sleep habits.

She asked how many hours I sleep and I told her how I am asleep by 10 and wake at 5:00.

“Is it easy to get up at 5:00?”

Before I answered her, I paused. It’s easy for me now. But it wasn’t easy when I started to create the habit.

In fact, it was so difficult I knew I needed to handle it like I would handle a very important priority. If I had a client meeting or a doctor’s appointment, it would go on my calendar. I would set my mind that I would make that appointment. There was no doubt about it. However unpleasant it might seem, I would show up.

When I gave birth to my 2nd son, I struggled to find time to read my Bible and pray. I realized if it was going to happen, I needed to wake before my kids. Because once they were up, I was done with any hope of quiet time. Plus, I found when I had time to wake, reflect, read, and pray before I stepped into mothering, I was a much better mom.

6 steps to creating habits that stick

Step 1: Schedule it. I scheduled my wake up time on my calendar. Literally. I wrote in every day: 6:00 am Quiet time with God. Set a reminder on your phone or your work calendar or whatever you use to help you remember.

Step 2: Set the environment. The night before, I set the environment so nothing would hinder my time. I set the coffee to brew at 5:55 am. I had my Bible, a journal, and a pen at my chair. I’d light a candle, turn on a lamp, cozy with a blanket and cup of coffee.

Step 3: Set your mind. I didn’t give myself an out. I didn’t say “If I’m not tired, I’ll get up.” I’d always be tired. And satan will do anything to get in the way of this appointment. Tired or not, I’d already determined I was getting up. (PS. Days I failed at this, God woke me anyway.)

Step 4: Refuse failure. I failed some days for sure. But I refused to give up saying it wasn’t for me. I just tried again the next day.

Step 5: Give grace for falls. Falls aren’t failures. It’s a stumble. Get up and keep going. Rather than beat myself for the times I chose sleep, I told myself I did a great job on several days. Now, I could build on those successful days.

Step 6: Move the bar. Over time, I set my alarm earlier and earlier. I now wake at 5:00. But when I first started it was 6:00.

You know it took me years for this habit to become so much a part of me and my life that I never even think about it now. Years, my friends. Not 30 days. Not 1 year. Years.

We quit too soon.

Most things worth doing take time.

Is it easy?

So when I answered my wax gal, I told her it wasn’t easy when I started, and it took me years to create a faithful habit. But yes, now it’s very easy. My body wakes on its own. I race to meet with God each morning because I know He is faithfully waiting for me and our intimate morning appointments.

Part of why I race to Him is the fact I’ve come to know Him differently now. I now understand He isn’t shaking His head in shame at me when I failed to meet Him with my coffee in hand. Instead, He touched my shoulder, pulled me tight, and said, “I love you. You can’t make me love you more or less. I’m faithful, not dependent on your faithfulness.”

Hearing His whispers of love, I’d raise my eyes back to Him. No need to hide in shame over my failures. He loves me despite my shortcomings. He’s perfection when I’m not. He’s love when I’m not. He’s everything I need. And over years of spending time with just Him and Him alone, I’ve come to know Him in ways I never knew Him before.

As I’m finishing up Michael Hyatt’s book, I’m learning the difference in types of goals. He says some goals are not achievement goals, rather they are habit goals. It’s good to have both, but not too many. Too many diverts our focus.

That’s what typically happens to me in a new year. I go too wide and too strong. Then I quit.

He also talks about making the goal specific. Christy Wright talks about this quite a bit as well. Both emphasize not making goals so general. Instead of “get healthy”, make it “Drink 4 glasses of water by noon.” Make it specific, set time limits on it.

One of my habit goals for this year is weekly writing. I used to write all the time, but now I’m running 2 businesses and homeschooling. So, writing takes a backseat. But writing is a passion of mine. It’s good for my soul. It’s a creative outlet.

I want to write once a week in a free flowing way. With no real agenda. Just me and pen and paper.

Rather than my past goal of “write more”, I’m setting a specific goal with time frames. “Write every Saturday morning from 6:00am to 8:00am.”

How about you?

Do you have a habit goal you want to create this year?

Can I suggest writing it down? Just focus on one right now. Don’t look at this big whole year of 2019. Just look at this month. What’s one new habit goal you’d like to set?

  • Make it specific
  • Set a time frame
  • Write action steps.
  • Make those steps small steps. Not giant leaps. Baby steps.

Babies stumble and fall. But eventually they walk on their own.

When you begin taking your baby steps, you will stumble, trip, and fall.

Just get up and keep trying.

Falls aren’t failures. They are simply opportunities for do-overs.

If you’d like to receive weekly posts in your inbox, simply click here. You’ll receive some free downloads when you do.

Maybe one of your habits is a daily time with God. Or maybe it’s reading more this year. Or maybe you’d like to grow in your faith and get to know God better. I have a resource just for you. And it’s 100% do-able. In fact, it’s only 14 days long, about 10 minutes a day.

I’ve written Illuminate – Seeing God by the Light of His Word as a 14 day devotional to help you overcome your fears, anxieties, and worries by learning to focus on who God is before you focus on what He does. It changes everything.

Illuminate is available in 2 formats: audio and ebook. Both are only $10 and yours forever.

The audio version comes with a pdf transcript and arrives once per day over 14 days in your email inbox. The ebook version is a full download you receive right away.

7 Symptoms of a Distracted Life and How To Break Free

“Mom! What are you doing? This isn’t a road!!!”

“Oh my goodness! What have I done??”

I hit the brakes hard darting my eyes swiftly to see how many people were watching me at this most embarrassing moment. Leaving a soccer game many years ago when my boys were still in booster seats and car seats, I’d taken a right instead of a left. A left led to the main road. A right led onto a walking trail. Through the woods where cars don’t fit. A walking trail wide enough for walkers and runners, not minivans in need of turning around.

One would think I might have noticed something as branches scratched and banged against my car. But no, it took the shriek of my ever-cautious first born to bring me back to attention.

I was on the wrong path and needed to get out quick. I needed to get back to the place I’d started.

I find myself facing these situations in life. Most of us can relate. We find ourselves disciplined, living purposefully in a particular area. Over the course of time, we let a thing or two go. Then another. Slowly, we find ourselves slightly off course.

At times we don’t veer too far off course, and it takes only slight adjustments to make our way back. At others we feel near lost, and it takes great effort to find the path we should be on.

The encouragement is that it is never too late to start again. Often it takes reflecting on the beginning of something. Remembering where we once started, our hopes and dreams for that thing, and where we’ve missed the mark.

Do the thing you did at first.

Revelation 2:5 “Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.

While this verse is to the church, it applies to our spiritual lives as well. When we start out on our spiritual walk with the Lord, we walk with intention, closely following His direction. But over time we listen a little less to Him and a little more to the world. And if we spend a good deal of time on the internet, especially social media, we will surely hear the world louder than we hear His voice.

I try to remind myself in these seasons to do the thing I did at first.

What was/is our vision for our family. What did we do at first to accomplish this that we aren’t currently doing? How can we make small adjustments and get back on course?

“Mom, can you stop bouncing your leg? It’s making it hard for me to read.”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah sure,” I replied bringing my attention back to him.

Teaching a struggling reader to read requires stillness and patience. And total presence.

My far-off thoughts and nervously bouncing leg brought to my attention something I’d been attempting to ignore in my soul. I’ve been living distracted on the inside.

While I may be physically present with my family, my mind and soul can be far away. Symptoms begin to present themselves to me hinting that something is wrong. I can ignore them to a point, but eventually I must make a choice.

7 Symptoms of the distracted life:

1- Irritability – little things begin to annoy me. Normal childhood and adolescent interruptions bring out frustration in me rather than compassion, understanding, or a sensitivity to work through them.

2-Impatience- My mind races and jumps from one thing to the next. Therefore, when things don’t flow according to my expectations, I’m quick to react with impatience. The words “hurry up” and “come on” seem to be the most frequently used. As my kids tell stories I find my mind telling them to hurry up.

3- Anxiety – Everything begins to feel like a worry or concern. Settling into sleep is difficult. Waking in the night becomes common. A running to do list is ever present.

4- Loss of train of thought – Lists are everywhere because I find myself mentally incapable of keeping track in my mind. I’m relying on my smartphone for everything. Reminders, lists, schedules. I find myself forgetting what I started to do.

5 – Fatigue, exhaustion – I lack energy to do the things that once brought joy. All I want is sleep or escape.

6 – Procrastination- I find myself putting off even simple tasks. Daily duties mount creating more anxiety.

7 – Constant reach for the phone- And because it all feels too much, or I’m too grumpy, I reach for my phone every few minutes. Just a quick scan of newsfeeds. A quick check on what I might be missing. And this begins the cycle all over again.

Break free in order to live free.

I tell my boys a key to growing in wisdom is to know yourself well. Know God intimately, and know yourself. I need to know my weaknesses, my temptations, my inclinations.

The 7 symptoms above I don’t need a doctor to diagnose for me. I have a Great Physician and a Helper. If I seek Him, He promises to be found. If I desire truth, I will find it. And if I want to truly deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him, then I must do something different than the world.

For me this often looks like removing myself from social media completely for a time. Honestly, I would love to leave it completely most of the time. I’ve noticed that social media creates cynicism in me. The constant opinions wear me down. The lack of reverence for God in our culture disgusts me. It causes me to lose my love for people.

Matthew 22:36-40

“Teacher, which command in the law is the greatest?”

He said to him, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important command. The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commands.”

If the greatest command is to love the Lord and the 2nd is to love others, then I should pay attention to the things that make me love people less.

When I see the opinions and beliefs of people, I see causes and issues rather than the person. Jesus always looked to the person first. The lifestyle of the person that was in opposition to God changed AFTER Jesus looked into their hearts, showed them love for them, and revealed the truth.

Our culture twists love attempting to separate truth and love. Culture tries to make everything “ok” by holding the love banner. Jesus didn’t do that. He spoke truth always, yet He showed love at the same time.

Jesus met people where they were, but when they truly encountered the Messiah, they didn’t stay where they were. The love He had for them was so other-worldly that following Him took the place of their once sin-filled life.

The love of Jesus compels me to love in a way that makes no sense. And when I find myself lacking love on the inside, something must change. Because God is love.

Our family has practiced the discipline of screen fasts for many years. When we started taking electronics fasts, it was directed by my husband and me. We simply set a family fast for a week, a month, or however long the Lord led. By instilling this practice in our home with joy, our children now recognize in their own souls when a fast is in order.

At this stage, our children direct the course of their own fasts. They are learning to lean on the Lord rather than us. They are learning to listen to their own souls and tune into the whisper of the Holy Spirit.

Often one of us will begin a screen fast and it encourages another family member to do the same. Then another. It contagiously spreads, and the entire family benefits from it.

Our screen fasts have been accepted with joy because we’ve always made a practice of replacing what we remove with something even better. In the case of a screen fast, we remove what is a poor substitute for life and replace it with the real thing. It’s like taking a diet that has consisted of chips and soda and replacing with a banquet of juicy steaks, colorful vegetables, juicy fruits, and desserts of every kind. It’s feasting on what we didn’t even realize had been missing and wondering why it took us so long to find true nourishment.

Here are a couple of posts I’ve written on taking a break from screens.

5 Benefits of Electronics Fast

Why Shutting Off Electronics Is Good

Taking a screen fast as a family requires a little planning and intention, but I promise you it will return more to your family than you can imagine.

The family comes together again as family. We work together and we play together. Dinner prep is done together, chores we all do. After dinner we all clean and then play. We read aloud together, have family devotions, play games. Sometimes we simply sit on the sofas together with no agenda at all. Just like in the “old days” as my boys say. We sit and have nothing at all planned. We allow space and time for conversation to form and move naturally.

I’ve realized how much families are missing out on simply sitting together and talking. Face to face. No screens, no dings, no distractions, no lectures, no to-do lists. Just time together.

This post went longer than I expected. It happens when I write on screen topics. I’m passionate about the family and this is an area I feel the enemy uses against families everywhere.

When my husband recently decided to take a social media break, I decided to follow. At first I felt it was impossible considering I write online. My audience is on the internet. But as I prayed, I could sense God telling me to simply trust Him.

I worry about offending people. Will they wonder why I’m not “liking” their posts anymore? Will they think I’m mad at them? Should I announce a social media fast? (John Crist had a hilarious tweet about this)

All of these worries I can’t really concern myself with. I can only hope that friends don’t take offense. But that can’t be my primary concern.

My family is my first ministry. They deserve my absolute best. My soul is showing me I need a break. And since removing myself from social media I’ve noticed a drastic difference in our home and in my own heart.

I’m truly present with my kids. I’m not thinking about sharing any moment in our home with the social media world. The moments feel more sacred now. I’m more patient, less easily frustrated. I’m laughing more with my kids. My daily duties bring me delight again. The clock is less bossy now. My heart rate has slowed. My thoughts are clear. I can keep track in my own head rather than 20 different lists. I see the eyes of my kids. Truly see them. I hear God’s voice clearer. My love for humanity is returning because I’m not listening to the news and the issues at war against each other.

Is it possible to live in this state forever? I don’t know. I’m learning to quit trying to figure out the future and simply live in step with the Lord one day at a time.

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One Thing That Will Change Your Life – 5 Ways to Make It Happen

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Early in my parenting years, I came to understand that if I didn’t intentionally claim the time allotted to me, I would drift into a reactionary state of living. If I lived each day in a state of reaction, I would not parent the way I desired.

When my babies were babies, I made one small decision that has impacted me in ways that have altered the course of my days and my entire life. I decided that I wanted to wake before my kids. I wanted to shower and put myself together so I could be with them 100% when they were awake. I wanted to give them my all and felt if I didn’t have to think of myself in the mornings, things would go smoother.

For the most part they did. It helped me tremendously. However, it wasn’t the one thing that changed my life, rather it was the first step to the one thing that changed my life.

From the time I became a follower of Jesus, I began the discipline of a daily quiet time. When my boys were little, I felt all I could do was squeeze in the time around their schedules. I had to sneak times of quiet, hiding out from the kids. Much of my quiet time was far shorter than I preferred. I felt lucky to sneak in 5-10 minutes to spend alone with the Lord. I attended church, I was in a Bible study, I was in a small group. But time alone with the Lord was scarce.

My soul began to crave what it needed, what it was created to desire. Intimate time with God. Time carved out for just the two of us. A private date.

I made a decision to change how I spent those quiet moments in the morning. I had to adjust my schedule and my priorities. The tending of my soul is more important than anything I do all day long. When my soul finds rest in God alone, everything I encounter, everything I attempt, everything I dream, everything I serve finds its purpose and satisfaction.

The one small change I’ve made in 38 years that has impacted my life more than anything else is to wake when everyone still sleeps, tiptoe downstairs, and steal away with the lover of my soul.

Spending the quiet moments of my morning alone with God is a standing date. It’s not a habit. It’s not a chore. It’s not something placed on my to-do list. My time with God awakens my soul, stirs my heart, revives my spirit, refreshes my mind, and directs my steps. 

Before beginning my day alone and quiet, I failed to see the benefits. Years of sitting at His feet before anyone can need me has given me the ability to see Him and hear Him when many days I would be prone to missing Him in my moments.

Proverbs 31:15 “She gets up while it is still dark…..”

Does your soul need a little tender, loving care? He waits with open arms. He will never stand us up. He will never disappoint. He is faithful.

One thing every soul needs is time alone with God. Time with His Word. Time to praise Him, time to thank Him, time to confess, time to request.

Time. We all have the same amount. The less time we feel we have to sit quietly before Him, the more reason we have to hide away with Him.

5 Ways To Begin Quiet Time

1. Set your alarm– If you are not in the habit of waking before your family, an alarm will help you to take charge of your time before it takes charge of you. You determine the time to start your day, your day will not determine the time you have.

2. Start small – If you are just beginning to develop a quiet time, begin small and build. Start with 10 minutes. Over time you will find you crave more time with him. You will find it easier and easier to set aside longer stretches of time.

3. Set realistic expectations – Understand that you won’t do it perfectly everyday. Allow yourself grace.  Know that it won’t always happen, but don’t let it thwart your plan. Find time throughout the day, and try again the next day. If your children wake unexpectedly during your alone time, invite them in. Try not to become frustrated (like I have many times), but thank God that they are seeing modeled what it looks like to sneak away with Jesus. Invite them to join you with their own Bible. They can read or look at pictures quietly while you read your Bible, or you can read together. Have them join you in prayer, let them hear how you pour your heart out to Jesus before the day chips into your heart.

4. Have a plan- but be open to the leading of His Spirit. Determine the night before you will get up, have a devotion or bible reading plan you will use. I try not to become too rigid in what I read and study in the morning. Some days I read through Psalms and Proverbs, some days I work on my Bible study lesson, some days I simply pray and meditate on one scripture, some days I read a day of my daily Bible reading plan, some days I read from a devotion. I want to have a plan in place, but I don’t want that plan to become my master. I want to be open to God’s leading through His Word.

5. Set up a place- dedicated for your quiet time. I have a comfortable chair where I can be found every morning at 5:00am (I know that is way too early for most, the time doesn’t matter, just make it a priority). Have everything you will need nearby. I keep a Bible, journal, pen, prayer books, Bible study materials, concordance and Bible dictionary. Of course, I have a blanket and a cup of coffee as well.

Give into the craving of your soul. Spending time alone with God is not a luxurious thought, it is the one thing that will radically change your life.

 

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