How God Wants Me To Radically Celebrate My 40th Birthday

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My 40th birthday is around the corner. We talked as a family about how to celebrate. Nothing seemed to feel right to me. We have lots of trips planned around my birthday, so that was out. I’m not a big party person, so that is out. Dinner with friends? Yes, but we do that regularly. We tabled it for the day.

In the Bible 40 often signifies a time of testing or trial. A time of probation.

A few days prior to the 40th celebration discussion, Jacob asked me a question that continued stirring in me for days.

“Mom, if you knew Jesus was coming back in 2 days, what would you do?” He looked at me with inquisitive eyes as if testing me to see if I held the right answer.
“I’d begin telling everyone I know about Jesus.”
“I know. Me too. But we don’t know when He is coming. So we should be telling people all the time.”

He’s right. So why don’t we? For fear of offending? For fear of rejection? It really makes no sense though. It’s the greatest gift ever given to humanity. A hurting world that can’t seem to get along, that slays each other, that devours each other, that spews hate. We are holding the answer and we hold back.

I pondered his question. The thing is it wasn’t the first time he’s made me think in the last couple of weeks.

He sat in a church service recently and a verse entered his mind. Matthew 4:19. He didn’t know the verse but looked it up at his first opportunity.

“Follow me and I will make you fishers of men.” Matthew 4:19

I see God moving him to share the gospel. It was because of this same child that Steve and I ended up in Haiti where we experienced the power of the Holy Spirit and watched a woman surrender her life to Christ as He led us to her in order to share the gospel.

When we heard the news of Jose Fernandez, his first comment was, “I hope he knew Jesus.” And a heavy weight descended on his heart. A burden and a hurt for the lost. Because we’ve all been lost. None of us were born Christians. He can’t remember a time of not “knowing” Jesus, but there came a time where he surrendered his life to Jesus and knowing about Jesus turned to a personal relationship with His Savior.

Since God impressed Matthew 4:19 on him, God’s been tossing it around in my own heart too. I am feeling the burden I am watching my son experience.

We’ve been reading Tramp for the Lord by Corrie Ten Boom. The boys now say things like, “I want a faith like that.” Or “I want to experience the same miracles she experienced.” (Side note- this is a great family read aloud after you’ve read The Hiding Place. There is a young reader’s edition.)

Corrie said yes to God at every turn. If I’m honest, I am selective with my yes’s. I’ll say yes as long as it doesn’t infringe on my comfort zone. As long as I don’t have to sacrifice too greatly.

I shared recently about what God showed me in the pit. He’s been refining me, killing off my self-sins. The process is painful. I had no idea how full of self I was until He began showing me the depths of my heart I’d never seen.

The day following our family discussion about how to mark my 40th, God spoke to me about what to do. “Give your birthday away. To me. Selflessly.”

What does that look like? In a split second, He made it very clear it was not to do a list of good deeds. My first thought went to how I could do 40 acts of kindness or 40 good things for God. He said no. That would be too self-promoting, too easy to grow self-righteous. Too close to all those self-sins He’s working out of me ever so painfully.

I knew why He told me no. He’s teaching me that if I want to really love Him more, then I will love His people. And if I love His people, I will begin telling His people who He is. To do that, I must put myself away. Get myself out of the picture. My “self” stands in the way and cares about what people may say or think. And He says, “Lay down your self.”

So that afternoon I sat with my family on the porch and told them that God showed me how I am to celebrate my 40th birthday. It’s by giving away 40 gifts. Giving away the message of the hope I have to 40 people. I wasn’t exactly sure except that somehow or in some way I was to mark 40 by sharing the gospel. Not sharing good deeds, but sharing the good news.

As Steve and the other boys nodded along, Jacob’s eyes lit up. “Mom, I love that idea!”

The next morning I began to sense God telling me not to wait for my birthday. To begin to mark my 40th birthday now. We are a little less than 40 days away, and He said go. God confirmed through Jacob when he said, “Why don’t we just start now instead of waiting. For the next 40 days, let’s share Jesus everywhere we go.”

When God says move, He means move. When God places a desire in your heart, He won’t let it die. When the desire makes you squirm with discomfort because your pride is being poked, you can be sure God won’t stop until you learn that humility is the true seat of honor.

If I’m honest, it’s my pride that seals my lips from shouting the gospel message everywhere I go. I justify by saying that I live the gospel out for others to see. And while this is true at times, He also said “Follow me and I’ll make you fishers of men.” And “Go make disciples.”

So Jacob nudged because God bumped.

This goes right along with what He’s been showing me for the last year. No platform must be built to make Him known. We can make Him known with no stage, platform, or audience. We make Him known to the very next person we encounter.

Join me for the follow up to this post (hopefully tomorrow??). Jacob and I decided that if God said start celebrating 40 now, we must obey. I’ve walked in disobedience when God asked me to follow Him, and it’s not pretty. We are choosing obedience and sharing with you here for two reasons. 1- I am now accountable to you. 2- To encourage you to let God poke you to share with the very next person the hope you have….in front of your kids.

While 40 signifies a time of testing and trial, I’ve also seen how powerful developing habits that turn into lifestyle can shape in 40 days. Day 1-10 are pretty tough. As you edge closer to 40, the discomfort is gone and it’s simply part of your life. Maybe that is why God is asking me to celebrate my 40th birthday for 40 days by giving it away. So that every day of my life becomes less about me and more about Him. Not just here where it’s comfortable, but out there in the world.

The Golden Calves Our Kids Worship

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“Mom, I just wanted to tell you I’m so glad you didn’t get us electronics when we were young. If you had I know we would’ve loved them and could’ve ended up addicted.”

I stopped at his doorway silent for a moment.

“I appreciate you saying that.”

He smiled back, “It’s true. I don’t care anything about having a smart phone or any device, but if I had one years ago, I know it would have ended up something I wanted to be on all the time.”

My mind immediately went to the first post I ever wrote about electronics. I had to turn off the comments because some became simply vicious. I was called names, ridiculed, and told my kids would simply rebel.

It didn’t bother me. When you write online, you open yourself to all kinds of attacks. Those types of comments paled in comparison to the ones who agreed with my post and felt the same way.

Commenters told me my children would hate me for withholding electronics from them. The reason my children don’t hate us for this decision is because we have told them and shown them how much we love them, we have shared the why’s, and we have shown them something much more beautiful. We’ve shown them life. Real life.

Real life, real beauty, real conversations. We’ve offered them the real over the fake. What’s not to love about that? The letter I wrote our boys expressed to them that the root of our limiting electronics is the fact that we don’t want to miss out on life with them. They will be 18 in the blink of an eye. I don’t want to miss a minute. When they understand it’s because we love them and don’t want to miss out on experiencing life with them, they see into our hearts.

When it comes to phones, ipads, devices, video games, or anything of the sort, I so often have parents tell me they didn’t want to enter into this world BUT they wanted their kids to fit in.

I get it. But at the same time, I say, “No!” No, we shouldn’t desire our kids fit in if it is in an area we feel contention over. If it opens them to a world you aren’t ready to parent them through, keep that door closed. If it opens a door to a world that is dangerous to their hearts and minds, keep it closed. If it opens the door to a world that is out to devour them, keep it closed.

The dangers are real, and we are guardians over their hearts and minds until they learn how to guard themselves.

When we give our kids over to electronics out of peer pressure, that is what we are modeling to them. How can we expect them to fight their own peer pressure when we show them that is how we make many of our decisions?

Start as we intend to go. It’s much easier stay on course than it is it start down a path, crash into obstacles, get lost in the forest, and try to find the path you wish you had started on to begin with.

This article is heartbreaking – Digital heroin.

That is what we are up against. An addiction equal to a heroin addiction. This should terrify us into an awakening. This should give us the resolve we need to do what is right for our kids at the risk of them not being “cool” in the eyes of some.

Were our kids called to be cool? Or were they called to be set apart?

I don’t want cool kids. I want set apart kids.

It doesn’t take much for an addiction to set in. We are worshipers at heart. The problem begins when we place our natural inclinations toward worship on anything other than God. Enter idolatry.

The current craze is Pokemon Go. Much controversy surrounds this game. Years ago my children became interested in Pokemon cards. A few weeks later strange behaviors began to take place in one of my sons. I began praying through his room asking God to reveal if there was something in our home which opened a door to the enemy. Later this child came to me and said he felt he needed to get rid of his Pokemon cards and his Wii game Skylanders. All went to the trash, we prayed through the room and house. Strange behaviors left with the items we threw out. So I’m sensitive to Pokemon or anything with occult ties and origins.

With Pokemon go, we have a view into how easily our children become worshipers. How quickly they give their heart to something and fix their eyes on the object of their worship. If we are raising our kids to love and honor God, it should concern us when something, anything, grabs their heart in such an obvious, addicting way. (Side note: This is a great article if you have concerns about your child playing Pokemon Go)

We have an opportunity to train our children to worship the only One worth worshiping. A child or teen, or adult for that matter, has no problem with worshiping. It’s a matter of where they fix their eyes and heart. It will be given to something.

What if we teach them from Revelation? Teach them what awaits us. Show them the God who is worthy of our entire hearts?

When we spend more time teaching and showing our kids who God really is, they will thirst and hunger for the One who quenches every desire. They will hunger for the only One who can truly fill them. If we spend time talking about eternity, talking about Heaven, talking about things that matter, we can plant seeds in their hearts that grow into fruit bearing, life giving pursuits.

What God Showed Me When I Lay in the Pit

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I am not a private person. I am an open book, completely transparent and energized by friends and people who are real. Who are willing to say, “I struggle with this. I need help here. Can you pray about this.” Because we know anyway, so why fake it? What’s the point?

The last 4 weeks I’ve not been myself. I shared a little in my last post. Honestly, I would’ve shared more if I had more time to write.

It slithered from the shadows and descended upon me in the dark of night, and when I woke, the world looked different.

A sadness lay over me like a weighted blanket. The sadness would lift ever so slightly and with no warning would swoop back with an agenda. To hold me captive. To torment and taunt.

Initially, I battled in my own strength. Nothing had happened in my life to cause this. Nothing had changed. I’m not currently experiencing grief or trauma. I had no “reason” to live in this soul darkness. I spoke reason and logic to my mind. It didn’t help.

I tried to push it into the depths of my heart, away from the world. If I pushed hard enough, surely it would disappear into some soul abyss. Then I would feel “normal” again.

I felt far from God. So very far. I know truth. I know He didn’t leave me. My prayers became breath prayers. “Lord, help!”

My perspective was gone. My passion. Gone. Desires. Gone. Motivation. Gone. I didn’t recognize me anymore, and I began to panic. The black would come in hurricane sized waves.

I tried to talk about it but had zero words. Nothing made sense. How could I explain this to anyone when I didn’t understand it myself. But I tried to explain to Steve. He listened without trying to fix me or solve my problems.

It simply felt like an attack from satan. One unlike any I’d ever experienced before.

I told Steve I know truth. I know I have a million reasons to feel joy, to be thankful, to praise God. But I couldn’t do it. I know scripture. I know the lies that are being whispered to me by satan. I know I am hearing the lies louder than truth. I’m fighting it, but it’s so hard to fight in the dark. Every move feels labored.

Steve asked me who I had praying for me. I said no one specifically about this because I don’t even know what to ask for. And I feel ridiculous because I have not one single, microscopic reason to feel this way. My friends are dealing with real problems, real issues, real grief. How can I ask them to pray for something so ridiculous? However, I know many who pray for me regularly as the Spirit leads.

It’s what satan wanted. He wanted me to isolate myself from the fellowship of believers. Because he knows they would battle for me with the sword of truth, they would hold the shield of faith on my behalf.

Steve took my phone in his hand and told me if I didn’t reach out to my dear friend and mentor immediately, he would call her for me. So I did. Then I ran into a friend at church. I tried to get in and out. I can’t fake it. What you see is what you get with me. There is no happy face when I’m not happy. She stopped me and said I didn’t seem myself. My eyes welled up, and I blurted it all over her. Steve began asking people to pray for me. And I know many of you prayed for me after my last post.

The thing is on the outside, no one could really tell what was happening in my heart and mind. Though I’m not a fake it person, I swallowed hard to appear “normal”, to go through the motions, to keep taking steps forward.

Several weeks ago I wrote this in my journal:

I don’t feel like myself anymore. Or am I more myself than I’ve ever been? I’m confused. That’s what I feel. And lonely, which is weird because I’m never alone these days. The boys are with me around the clock. I’ve lost the time I used to have to reflect. Yet I stand inside the greater gift. That of constant experience. I know God’s still here, but I used to sense His Presence so powerfully. Now, I pray desperate breath prayers.

No more simmering of Him in my soul. My pride and self-sufficiency are being burned in the Refiner’s fire. I must surrender it all to Him. To let go and be still. To open my hands. To breathe.

After writing that in my journal a friend sent me a message about how something I posted encouraged her. I shared how it had spoken to me because I feel I’m in a dark place away from God. She responded to me by sharing a story about Mother Theresa being certain God had called her to ministry in India. As years passed she began to feel she couldn’t “hear” God anymore and couldn’t feel His Presence. Yet she remained obedient. After 19 years the Holy Spirit revealed to her that how could she minister to “abandoned” people if she herself never experienced what it felt like to be “abandoned”. And possibly in my ministry to women, God is allowing me go into the dark pit so that I can empathize with my sweet sisters in the Lord in a deeper, more intimate way.

Over the course of days which turned into weeks, God began to show me that He wants my whole heart. It’s what He spoke to me last year. Wholehearted woman.

To get my whole heart, I had to remove the sins of my self-sufficiency first. I had to realize that though I don’t recognize it, I need Him in a desperate way every breathing moment of my life.

He began to show me sins that were not sins I commit (as A.W Tozer puts it) but sins that are part of who I am. As they began to crawl out of me, it was disgusting. And the more disgusted I became with myself over sins that I never named as sins, I wanted to turn my face from God. I wanted to run and hide from Him.

But He wouldn’t let me. Instead, He let me sit in the dark of the pit, seeing the depth of sin and depravity that reside inside the human heart. My own heart. But then.

Cracks of light emerged. In the still of the dark, I began to hear His whispers. His truths. His Word.

Keep praying. Keep serving my people. Keep loving. I love you.

I’ve been tucked in His wings the entire time. Covered by His feathers.

More light entered. But my vision was still blurry for me eyes had been in the dark. I could see shadows now. He is here.

Our ENTIRE life is spiritual. Every second of the physical is spiritual. There are forces of darkness that seek to destroy. My life is held in the Father’s hand and nothing can snatch me out of His hand. But the enemy will use his demonic forces to cover us with the dark in order to hide the light.

His Word tells me that He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world. I claim that truth.

I began praying His Word.

Psalm 17:6-9

I call on you, my God, for you will answer me;
    turn your ear to me and hear my prayer.
7 Show me the wonders of your great love,
    you who save by your right hand
    those who take refuge in you from their foes.
8 Keep me as the apple of your eye;
    hide me in the shadow of your wings
9 from the wicked who are out to destroy me,

Within 2 days of asking for prayers, I was overwhelmed by God. Friends began sending encouragement around the clock. Articles were slipped into my inbox that seemed like words from God meant for my heart alone. 36 hours after frantic calls for prayer, the deep, dark, wet blanket lifted.

Psalm 40:2 “He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”

He lifted me from the slimy pit. Praise God.

The day He pulled me from the pit, I opened my eyes and the world looked familiar again. Nothing like it had looked for weeks.

I was afraid to claim victory yet. So I hesitantly moved through the days. Five days later, I spoke it out loud to Steve and my friend and mentor. “I’m back.”

Four terrifying and dark weeks, and I see God differently now. I love Him in a new way. He’s still refining me in His fire. He’s still pulling yuck out of me so I can be a vessel for Him. But. He’s answered a prayer that I’ve been praying for a year. “Lord, let me love you more.”

I love Him more. My passion is reignited.

Satan hopes my pride and claim to “privacy” will prevent me from sharing any of this with you. But I must share with you where I’ve been the last month because I’m convinced many reading this know exactly what I’m writing about. I’m convinced that many live in a dark place and are desperate for the light.

Prior to this experience I couldn’t relate to many of my sisters who struggle silently in the pit. Now, you will be in my prayers.

If you are in the pit, if you feel abandoned, keep speaking truth to the lies. Don’t stop praying. Claim victory in Christ. Share with a friend even if you feel ridiculous or misunderstood. Keep speaking truth and moving forward.

The pit feels as far as we can be from God, but I now believe it might be the closest we ever are to Him.

 

 

 

What If He Answers That Prayer With A Yes? Can You Handle It?

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I pulled his storybook Bible onto my lap, the spine nearly falling apart. Each page worn and tired, but not giving out on drawing him in night after night. He pulled the book towards himself, “Can I choose the story?”

“Sure.”

He began thumbing through the crinkled pages. “I bet you know which one.”

“Jericho,” I laughed.

“No. One from last night.”

“Oh! Revelation. John’s vision.”

That is the direction he moved. However, he stopped on another story. John still, but John’s preparing the way for Jesus.

These stories I could nearly recite by heart. Lord, let these words penetrate the deepest places of His heart. He lay tucked in tight. I sat as close to him as my body allowed, one hand holding the book in my lap, the other gently caressing his cheeks.

I finished the story, closed the book, prayed with him, kissed his head, and began to move to the door. Our nights have been so routine since birth. As I walked to the door, I hit play on the CD player. He listens to Dave Ramsey’s kids books on cd each night.

“Hey, mom, if you don’t mind could you put a different Junior story in for me?”

“Sure, which one?”

“Can you bring them to me?”

“No, can I just call them out and you choose?”

“Please can you just show them to me? I’m not the best understander.”

My heart squeezed. Tell him, he might not understand the first time. Show him, he understands.

I left the room pondering his words. They continued playing. God is walking me through the showing process of something. How often does He tell me and I don’t understand, but if He shows me, I get it.

Over the last year, I’ve prayed a simple prayer. “God make me love you more. Make my heart yearn for you above anything else.”

While God has spoken His Word to me many times to tell me how to love Him more, He is beginning to show me. Like Andrew, I may not be the best “understander”.

I’m reading A.W Tozer’s The Pursuit of God right now. God is using this book to tell me the things He is currently showing me. What a challenge and comfort.

I’m in a huge transitional stage right now. Through glimpses on Instagram, Facebook, and here on the blog, you see the most beautiful moments. Not because that is only what I want you to see, but simply because these are the places I focus my heart. I want to see God’s goodness.

The part of this transition in homeschooling I’ve been struggling with most is the giving up of what I love and the loss of what once was. The lack of time to write, the turning down of speaking engagements, the loss of quiet reflection, the loss of time to study. In my heart I’ve struggled with moments of feeling a lack of joy that made no sense because I’m walking in God’s Will, I’ve obeyed what He asked, I’m beyond blessed and grateful for the gift of this season. So why this turmoil in my heart?

In Teaching from Rest by Sarah Mackenzie, this line struck me, “This is the first lesson for the christian wife and mother today: to let go of what may once have been – and under other circumstances might now be – a recollected self, and take on, with both hands, the plan of God.”

So much self I must release to Him.

I’m struggling to hear God. Why is it so noisy? I can’t hear well through the static. It feels foreign and frightening. And dark. Yet, I know He is here.

I sat down with Tozer’s book. Sentence by sentence, I began to hear Him speaking. What He spoke to my heart was that He is showing me now rather than simply telling me. We are in a season that He is showing me how to love Him more. And the process begins by removing things from my heart that have taken root which cause me to love them more than Him. Good things even.

In the second chapter of Tozer’s book he shows a perspective I’ve never considered from the story of Abraham. God told Abraham to take his son Isaac and offer him to the Lord (Gen 22:2).

Page 26 “God let the suffering old man go through with it up to the point where He knew there would be no retreat, and then forbade him to lay a hand upon the boy. To the wondering patriarch He now says in effect, “It’s all right, Abraham. I never intended that you should actually slay the lad. I only wanted to remove him from the temple of your heart that I might reign unchallenged there. I wanted to correct the perversion that existed in your love.”

In effect He says to me, “It’s all right, Renee. I only want to remove from the temple of your heart all those things that have taken residence so that I might reign unchallenged there. I want to correct the perversion that exists in your love. I’m answering your prayer to let you love me more.”

Tozer goes on to say about Abraham, “He had everything, but he possessed nothing. There is the spiritual secret.” That’s it!!! The things Abraham had didn’t have him.

I’m mourning what feels like a loss of my gifts and talents. Writing and speaking. I’m grieving because on one hand I feel I don’t have time to use them, on the other when I try to use them I feel they’ve disappeared. Where did the gifts go?

Tozer answered this cry of my heart as well. “We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety.” “Our gifts and talents should also be turned over to Him.”

Have I loved my gifts more than I’ve loved my God? Have I found my identity in my work, my family, my ministry before I’ve found it in my Lord?

Tozer continues on page 30, “And if we are set upon the pursuit of God, He will sooner or later bring us to this test. Abraham’s testing was, at the time, not known to him as such, yet if he had taken some course other than the one he did, the whole history of the Old Testament would have been different.”

“At that testing place there will be no dozen possible choices for us- just one and an alternative – but our whole future will be conditioned by the choice we make.”

I’m at a testing place. I’ve asked Him to make me love Him more. He is doing what I’ve asked. Little by little. He is pulling me out and away from the things I love in efforts to direct my love properly. Those good things He desires for me to have. He just doesn’t want them to have me. When He can show me this through the testing times, I will be possessed by nothing because I will be so madly in love with Him.

Maybe His plan is to answer my prayer to love Him more with a resounding yes. The process to answer that prayer feels highly uncomfortable, painful even. But praise God for His yes.

 

 

I’ve Found the Secret To Abundant Joy- Now What?

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There is an irony in today’s post and title. I began writing this post last week. A post takes me about 30 minutes to write. But I simply don’t have 30 minutes right now. So I pecked away at words here and there, piecing together fragmented thoughts. I hit save thinking I’d come back to it eventually.

Then Monday arrived, and a spiritual funk fell upon me. It began in the middle of a sleepless night over the weekend when my mind raced and pushed sleep far away. I reached for my phone and sent a desperate 3:00 am email to my mentor and friend.

I don’t even know what I said to her, but basically along the lines of HELP! Something about how I can’t balance it all, lead women’s ministry, homeschool, I miss writing, I miss quiet times of reflection, I feel I’m failing everywhere. Aghhhhh!!

Like a good mentor, she sent me a response to slap me back into clear thinking and basically said maybe I need to learn to trust God more and stop clinging to my control. Sigh. I love her. I read her email three times in a row soaking in every word. One sentence struck me in particular. ‘Maybe one reason I’m homeschooling is to learn that I won’t have peace until God is the one with total control. Not Renee.’

Everyone needs a mentor who isn’t afraid to speak what needs to be spoken.

Monday arrived and I felt like a black cloud hung over me. A deep oppressive feeling I couldn’t shake. I tried to run away from it, but it chased me wherever I went. I pushed and pushed, plastered a smile on my face to begin the morning with my boys. Things began to fall apart quickly. One tiny incident after another.

We needed to leave to get Andrew to a therapy, so the older boys packed up backpacks so we could take school to the park while Andrew worked with his educational therapist. Andrew’s attitude spiraled down an ugly path. Somewhere along that path his nasty attitude found mine and they challenged each other to a dual. The details are for another post.

I warned his therapist that his session could go poorly and to let me know if he was disrespectful. When I picked him up she told me he was a model student. I silently thanked God, and precisely 37 seconds later as I stood talking to the therapist, I heard screaming from my car and saw Andrew lurching over the front seat in full attack of Jacob.

The black cloud opened up a flood at that point. The details and story within this story will have to be for another day. But let’s just say I struggled in a bad way all day. I struggled to even smile. Within the walls of my home it was one issue after another. One argument after another. One discipline after another. I was spent and I could not find a smile anywhere. I wanted to sulk in my rotten mood.

During all of this, I texted several friends asking for prayer. My husband called and prayed with me. What plagued me I couldn’t fight in my own strength. It could only be demolished by the power of prayer.

Over the course of many hours, I felt the black cloud lifting. I cleaned up the kitchen and thought how nice it be would be to sit and write. How I miss writing. I opened up my computer and found a post I’d drafted titled “I’ve Found The Secret To Abundant Joy”. Then I laughed.

There’s that smile I’ve been looking for. God always goes about things in a way I’d never imagine.

The post was laughable. Not because I didn’t believe what I’d attempted to write, but the fact that I looked and felt anything but joyful. At the point I stopped writing that post, I’d only written what the secret was and how I stumbled on it through homeschooling. There had been no time to write out anything beyond this…

“I’ve discovered a secret many of us spend our lives searching for. The secret to abundant joy. I stumbled on it in the last place I expected to find it. Homeschooling. And not for the reasons you may think. Not because homeschooling is a better option than public or private school. Not because I’ve found the “thing” I was missing. Because of one reason. I obeyed God in this one area that made little sense to me. I said yes when I wanted to say no.

The path to abundant joy is marked by obedience.

This is the second time in less than a year I’ve learned this lesson. Last fall God told me to put down the book I was working on. It made no sense to me. I was then asked to lead women’s ministry at my church. I’d have to slow down on the ministries I currently served which seemed to be thriving. It made no sense. I’d planned to say no. God ordered circumstances so that a yes became my answer.

Weeks into serving in that role, I said to Steve that I felt like I was right in the center of God’s will for that season and space of my life.

We are in our second week of homeschooling right now….”

Do you see why I laughed now? Yes, I do believe the secret to deep, abiding, abundant joy is found in a life marked by obeying the Father. Submitting to His Will. Following Him no matter where He leads. Dying to self in order to live in Him and for Him.

Oh friends, the first two weeks of homeschool, I was floating on air not because everything was so perfect in our world, but because despite the fact that things felt bumpy and off-centered, I felt totally centered in His Will. I KNEW I had obeyed Him in this one thing. And in this one thing, I felt His pleasure. I felt joy that seemed to bubble up from within.

And then. I forgot that He was in control and I was not. I took my eyes off Him and placed them on me and everything around me. Panic set in and the black cloud descended. And I stopped obeying in the moment by moments. Yes, I still obeyed in the one thing. But I stopped obeying in the littles.

When scripture would pop in my head to guide me, I pushed it away. I chose to walk in my flesh and gratify my sin nature instead. Disobeyed. When my kids angered me and I heard Him whispering to me to respond with gentleness and lovingkindness, I hushed His voice by snapping louder than my kids. Disobeyed. When I heard His instruction to take every thought captive, I said, “No, I don’t feel like it. I want to wallow in self-pity a bit longer.” Disobeyed.

With each act of disobedience, the weight of oppression increased.

So, yes, after the power of prayer released me from myself, I sat to write and laughed at the words blinking at me from the screen. I don’t know of much I’ve written that God doesn’t take me through immediately after writing it to be sure I grasped what He wanted me to grasp.

I re-titled the post, adding a Now What? to the end. I need to remember that I found this secret, but what am I going to do with it? It’s a choice I make moment by moment. Will I obey Him even in the most uncomfortable spaces and places I want to say no? Or will I disobey? If I obey Him, I know I will walk in peace experiencing a deep joy no matter what circumstances I walk in. If I disobey, I invite the work of the enemy. I think I’ll choose joy, which comes along the path of obedience. Not only obedience to the big things, but obedience to the very small things that make up the hours of our days.

” ‘For sometimes my old bitterness returns. Now I shall just stand my ground, claim the victory of Jesus over fear and resentment, and love even when I don’t want to.’ My friend had learned well the secret of victory. It comes through obedience.”  Tramp for the Lord, Corrie Ten Boom

My World Looks Completely Different These Days

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My life looks drastically different right now. My days are fuller than ever, yet not busy and frantic. If that makes any sense. I’m adjusting to a whole new way of life- that of homeschooling.

I have half-written blogs posts queued up in my head. I only need some space and time to write them out. For now, I thought I would give you a few glimpses of the last two weeks of life in our home.

Remember I wrote about my grand plan to ease into homeschool that ended up leaving me in tears throughout the day. After that I decided to start fully the following week. We would go all in. Well, I know many of you were praying for us, and we have felt the covering of your prayers. It’s been an amazing two weeks.

I plan to share more about what the Lord is showing me. These words are bouncing off the walls of my heart to escape. I do promise I will have much to write and share with you soon. In the meantime, here are a few pictures and thoughts.

Some of these pictures I’ve shared on Instagram. Join me there?

Here is day one. Truly, we were all so excited though you won’t see it in this picture. Macy peered through the window unsure of what exactly was taking place.

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School on the floor is great for boys. Something about doing work any way other than sitting at a desk works really well for these boys.

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Zachary had a brilliant idea for a business. He opened Capt Z’s Restaurant serving lunch daily. For a mere 25cents/day, you can order a slightly nutritious lunch. He created a weekly menu and provided order forms. I love not thinking about lunch. He loves making a few bucks a week. It’s a win for everyone.

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Day one ended with a bike ride to the park. I sat on the bench watching them and marveling at the fact that I have the blessing of this season of our lives.

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Day Two Jacob decided to set his alarm for 6:00. This is earlier than he ever woke for school. He was hard at work before the sun woke up. Willingly. Amazing.

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My thoughts shared on Instagram:

When we are forced to do something, we seem to rebel and fight against it. Even if only in our heart. But when we come of our own free will, we walk in pure freedom. It’s in freedom that we see clearly. What a good Father we have that doesn’t force us to come to Him or love Him. He draws and we come, and that is where we are finally free. In His embrace.
Last night Jacob set up his independent work prior to going to bed. He set his alarm for 6:00 am (earlier than even if he were going to school) even though I’d given him freedom to sleep until he wanted and work at a pace that suited him best. I saw a picture of him allowing the freedom to wash over him. And it was a beautiful sight. A beautiful picture to me of the freedom of grace.

 

Day Three Jacob clearly inspired his brothers. All set alarms and woke on their own. By 6:00 2 of the 3 were sitting at a table working!

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The excitement for learning has been astounding. There has been zero complaints about “school”. It’s as though the removal of the “have to” or the removal of the pressure of the traditional school environment has triggered a major change in their hearts. At least for now. I realize we are in the honeymoon phase still. But seeing their thirst for knowledge is beautiful!

Science is our favorite. We are doing a Zoology study on sea creatures. Amazing, fascinating. And they are captivated during this time. Clearly the dogs love having their boys home so much now as well.

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We read aloud. A lot! Each morning (at whatever point everyone is awake and together) we gather for our time together to pray, recite memory work, read scripture, sing (or listen) to a hymn, and read aloud from an inspiring book. Currently, we are memorizing Psalm 91 and reading Tramp for the Lord by Corrie Ten Boom. It’s an amazing follow up to The Hiding Place.

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Sports haven’t started yet, so once our day is done, the boys have an enormous amount of free time. This will change soon. After hours of free time, Jacob decided to get ahead in math. At 4:30 in the afternoon! This inspired Andrew to do the same.

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I’m amazed at the amount of work my boys get through in a day. Yet at the same time how relaxed the environment is, which greatly impacts the quality of their work. I’m shocked at the excitement and love for the quest of both knowledge and beauty.

 

While no deep thoughts in this post, I wanted to share pictures of what we’ve been up to. I hope in the next week or two to share more of my heart.

 

When the best laid plans fail

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Sometimes you plan and plan, prepare and prepare, and you still aren’t ready for what comes. You even devise a plan against what you fear. Yet when the Lord has work to do in your heart, no plans and preparations will prevent  from happening what needs to happen.

I’m scared of homeschooling. Terrified. It’s the thing the Lord has nudged me towards for years. It’s the beautiful thing my heart wanted. At the same time, I’m scared.

Failure isn’t on display in the planning, it’s in the execution. Can’t I stay in the planning stage, Lord? I have some great ideas, fabulous resources. I’ve read all about what to expect and what works best for different families. I’m ready, but I’m not. I’m afraid of failure. It’s more comfortable to talk about ideas and plans than to risk the implementation.

I’m reminded of a letter I wrote to my son about why I want him to fail. Lord, are you asking me to be willing to fail? But I don’t want to fail. I’m a first born. You know that. We don’t like to fail.

People keep asking me when we plan to start school. I answer back with a shrug of my shoulders. I’m scared to give a date. Setting the date makes my pending failure real. Eyes will be watching. The pressure intensifies. If no one knows we’ve started, they won’t see the failure quite so soon.

My friend sent me this post by Sarah Mackenzie titled Do It Afraid. She didn’t know I was afraid. But God did. For those who think God doesn’t speak, I strongly disagree. He speaks, and we hear if we are listening. God knew I was afraid.

I decided to lessen my fears, we would ease into homeschooling. It was a grand plan. We’d start weeks before I’d mentally prepared to start. But we’d start small, gently, and it would be beautiful. We would do one lesson in one subject per day per child. We would get a feel for the time required, level of difficulty, the flow. I could then plan more about how this will work.

Andrew has been begging me to start. “What are we waiting for? Let’s start now!”

“Ok, let’s start Monday!” Still pushing it away. I needed a little more time to plan and prepare.

I’d still have about 5 days to start gently. I spent more time than a seasoned homeschooler the day before planning our next 3 days. I only planned out Bible, History, and Science. I read through lessons, thought about materials needed, organized notebooks. It’s going to be beautiful!

I woke early, had my quiet time with the Lord, showered and dressed. Andrew woke in a pleasant mood, had breakfast, cleaned his room. The older two awoke, had a wrestling match, started preparing their breakfast.

This is it. Let’s do it. Gently. Beautifully. It’s no different than any other day. We always read devotions and pray. Discussing scripture is normal. You can do this!!

“Hey, boys, I’m going to read a devotion while you are eating your breakfast.”

So far so good. Nothing strange here.

I pulled out my friend’s newly released devotion, Point Me To Jesus. I began reading. Nothing new here. We read aloud all the time. Three sentences in Zachary asks me to pause. He blends his protein shake. I pick back up for 2 more sentences. Andrew asks a question. I stop and answer. We start again. Jacob interjects.

It’s ok. I’m sure they got the point. Let’s just pray.

“Hey, boys, let’s pray.” I began praying. Following the “correct” format for prayer. Praising him, repenting, asking, thanking. It was longer than a “thank you for this meal” prayer.

“Amen,” I ended with a satisfied smile in my heart.

Andrew heaves a deep sigh, “Mom, why did you have to pray so long? I don’t like long prayers. I like shorter prayers with less words.”

With tightened jaw and clenched teeth, I slowly responded, “Because God deserves as many words as we have to give Him.”

The tension pumped through my veins, tightening muscles I lived unaware of. Just breathe. It’s ok. It’ll be beautiful.

“Boys, get out your Bible notebooks. We are going to begin to memorize Psalm 91.”

Jacob answered, “I already know this.”

“Write 91:1 and then we will recite together. We will add to it as we learn it.”

One child complained, “This is a lame way to do it. We need to do it like I did it in school.” He went on explaining to me how they would recite every so many days or verses and test after so many verses.

“I don’t want to test you on Bible memory. I just want to love God’s Word and get it in our hearts.”

“I want a test. I want to see my grades.”

Why do they demand a grade? Don’t they see the freedom I’m offering them? They are asking for that which weighs when I’m offering a better way.

The Holy Spirit spoke louder in my heart. You too place a burden on yourself. My way is lighter. I offer a better way.

With sighs and attitudes, they wrote the verse. I asked them to recite with me. Two slouched in their seats and mumbled. I felt the anger rising. That tension began to flow faster, the muscles in my neck sending tears clutching the gate ready to release the flood at the next word.

“If you were at school, would you be slouching and mumbling? NO! You would stand up and recite the verses with reverence and respect!”

Wait a second, didn’t I just try to deprogram them from doing things the “school” way? Am I sending mixed signals? What’s right? What’s wrong? Lord, what’s wrong with their hearts?? And what’s wrong with this! I did everything I could to prevent this very thing from happening and now it’s happening.

I heard Him again. Your heart, daughter.

I closed my Bible with tears at the cusp of escape. One more word and I’m done. I left the mess on the table as the boys skipped away from the table as if nothing in the world was wrong. I ran to the screen porch ripping open the door. A foosball match broke out inside while my sobs broke out in the aftermath of our unofficial planned day one of homeschool.

The tears refused to dry. I knew it would be hard. I knew it would look like this at times. Eventually. But not now, not today, not like this when all we were doing was Bible on a day they didn’t even know I was secretly planning to start.

I heard every whisper of the enemy. Every lie and every threat. Every negative thought. I heard it all. And I sobbed harder. I sent 3 texts immediately to 3 people I knew would stop what they were doing and pray. And they did. Pulling off the road to pray. Stopping their own busy day to pray. God is faithful like that.

They told me it was normal, to listen to truth over lies. The sobbing continued for a long time. I moved from the screen porch to my office. I sat in the dark praying. Andrew walked around the corner and peered through the glass of the door. “Mom, are you ok?”

“Yes, I’m fine.”

“Why are you crying?”

“I don’t really know. A lot of reasons I guess.”

“Are you crying about Haiti?”

I smiled, “No, sweetie, I’m not.”

“Well, mom, I’m not trying to be mean, but when you come out of your office, you might want to dry up your tears. The boys don’t need to see your face like that.”

I smiled at his 7-year-old face getting more mature by the day. “I will. Thank you. I’ll be out in a minute.”

A few minutes later I walked back into the kitchen staring at the table in the same state it was in when I fled for air. Slowly I retrieved the Bibles, stacking them on the shelf. I gathered pens into their perfectly organized spots. I looked at my well-planned day and gave a snort as I mockingly checked off Bible.

My energy was gone. So many emotions running through my body I physically felt them. My stomach ached, my chest squeezed, my throat dry.

Lord, I know You called me to this. Therefore, I stand on your promises and your truths. I refuse to listen to the lies of the enemy. Lord, Your grace is sufficient for me for your power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest in me. (2 Cor 12:9) You are my refuge and shelter, my God in whom I trust. (Psalm 91:2) Lord, I can’t do this without you. I need you desperately.

As often happens, I relied on Him a tiny bit and relied on myself a giant bit. What a gracious God we serve to let us fail only to scoop us up reminding us it’s not up to us, the burden isn’t ours to bear. The Lord, in His mercy, showed me how I relied on myself to do what only He can. He desires to create something beautiful. But I have to be willing to let Him.

I let go of my agenda for the day. It was a false start. We can try again another day. God reminded me that only days before we’d had several beautiful “successes” in trying out a few subjects. Deep breath. This time we will move with Him not ahead of Him.

Oswald Chambers says in My Utmost For His Highest “God’s training is for now, not presently. His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future. We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience; we get wrong when we think of the afterward. What men call training and preparation, God calls the end. God’s end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious.”

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