How To Live Fearless In A Scary World

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For the audio recording of this post click here to listen.

I sat straight up in my bed, my heart racing as my eyes desperately tried to focus. Light filtered in through the blinds as I reached for my watch and tried to understand why I felt terrified. My immediate thought went to Andrew. Did he sleepwalk out of the beach house we are renting? The pond steps from our place has several alligators cruising its waters. Did Andrew wander into the waters? What if he’s gone?

Initially, I tried to talk myself calm. I tried to prove to God I trusted in Him by praying and laying still in my bed. But I couldn’t. I bolted out of the bed and ran to the front door. I checked the deadbolt. Twice. I went to Andrew’s bed. Everyone was safely sleeping.

I returned to my bed and prayed myself back to sleep. I wish I could say this is the first time that has happened. It’s not and it seems to be happening more frequently.

Our first day at the beach the wind was fierce, so loud you had to yell to hear each other. The sand blew so hard it pelted our skin with little stings. The boys and I used different words to describe the waves. To me they were violent. To the boys they were adventure.

Steve and I watched the boys jumping in the waves while the sand stung our skin and all we could hear were shouts of kids carried intermittently by the wind.

“Steve, it’s too dangerous for them to be out there. Those waves are rough.” I immediately thought back to a conversation we had on the way to the beach. One I initiated about fear and how I refused to become a person directed by fear. While I wouldn’t jump from a plane, I wouldn’t stop living life because of the what if’s of freak accidents either. That would simply be life not lived, rather life controlled by fear.

But in that moment fear held me by the neck against a wall.

“Steve, I feel terrified right now.”

“Renee, you need to send that fear away.”

I began talking to God with my eyes lasered at my kids. In that moment it hit me. He commands those waves and winds. He quieted the waves and winds with two words. Be still.

Be still.

I’ve written talks around this. I’ve spoken on this topic multiple times. And here I am again. Reminding myself that the One Who holds the world, is the One who commands the waves, is the One Who has numbered my days. So why do we fear?

We are a scared bunch of people. Anxiety plagues our world. The world is scary.

We are surrounded by terrifying reports. Within days we read about the Orlando massacre, the tragic death of a 2-year-old in Disney, a missing 14-year-old who was swimming in the ocean, a 13-year-old almost kidnapped right from her mother’s side. I am debating getting off of Facebook for good because I walk away scared, or mad, or nervous, or something that is not good for me.

Here’s the deal. I hate when satan attacks us and we let him. There is something so deep inside me that begins to boil over when I see his schemes. I’m dropping the gloves with him. I’m tired of watching him seek to destroy us through fear tactics. It’s his age old trick. He’s not very creative. We are simply not seeing what he is doing. And we aren’t putting on our armor.

I will not live scared in this world.

How often does God instruct us not to fear? Throughout the Bible God tells His people not to fear. Trust Him.

But we read these words then we turn to the news and immediately forget God’s instruction to us.

The weeks before Steve and I left for Haiti, I battled fear in a big way. This is nothing new for me. Fear I battle regularly. Last fall I had an intense fear war going on as God revealed many things to me. His intent was not for me to fear, yet I went first to fear.

Prior to our Haiti trip, Jacob expressed his own fear about our trip. What if we died while there and he was left with no parents? It’s a valid fear. It was my biggest fear as a child. I shared his fear with a friend who instantly reminded me of the truth.

Job 14:15 You have decided the length of our lives. You know how many months we will live, and we are not given a minute longer.

Jacob and I read this verse together. I said, “Jacob, God has appointed a time for me to die. He knows the exact hour. Whether my plane crashes over the ocean or I’m sitting in my house and my heart simply stops beating, God knows the day I will go home to Him.”

I watched as the moment of understanding transformed his face. That’s why we can’t let the what if’s of life plague us.

Psalm 56:3 “When I’m afraid I will trust in you.”

Psalm 139:16 “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”

The day we depart this earth is no surprise to God. He has numbered our days. He knows the very moment we will enter into eternity. So why should I waste one second on fear? Why should I allow satan to steal my joy and my moments because I’m pondering the what-if’s?

We have two choices in where we allow our mind to go. On Him or on the fears of this world.

Isaiah 26:3 “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”

To live fearless in a scary world takes us making the choice to live fearless. The choice is ours. The moment fear creeps in, we take charge by breaking down the stronghold.

2 Cor 10:4-5 “since the weapons of our warfare are not worldly,[a] but are powerful through God for the demolition of strongholds. We demolish arguments 5 and every high-minded thing that is raised up against the knowledge of God, taking every thought captive to obey Christ.”

Either we take fear captive….or it takes us hostage. All we have to do is take those fear thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. God is not the author of fear. Fear is from satan. Because we are under the lordship of Christ, we have the power of the Holy Spirit to take every thought captive and make it obey Him.

Our fear thoughts only torment us if we allow them to. Battle with His Word.

 

Getting the strong-willed child to obey

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You can listen to the audio recording of today’s post here.

A strong-willed child will not be backed into a corner. They are always positioning themselves to maintain a certain level of control. The more out of control they feel, the stronger their reaction becomes.

When Andrew was a toddler, the strong will was too much to handle. I would enter into battle with him determined to win. To show this child who was really in charge. Until God began to teach me through my own strong-willed nature.

Andrew has a passion for baseball. A true love for the game. His love for the game combined with his uber social nature makes any day that ends with baseball a good day. If Andrew knows he has practice or a game, he will dress in his uniform hours before he needs to. This is why the events that unfolded caught me by utter surprise.

I told Andrew we would be leaving for practice soon and instructed him to get ready. He began to moan and complain. Excuses fell from his lips about alleged ailments that would prevent him from practicing. It was so drastically out of character, that I fell for the first 2 ailments. Then I noticed that I’d solve an issue only to have a new mysterious ailment arise.

Strong-willed children like to cut to the chase. So I laid it out there. “Andrew, what is going on? You love baseball, but today you are looking for excuses not to go. What’s going on?”

It was a new team. A new group of kids and coaches. But this has never bothered him in the past. I’d been at each practice and knew that nothing had happened to him to cause this shift.

“I just don’t want to go!”

We entered into an hours worth of debate. Me instructing him that he made the choice to play on this team. We’d made a commitment. We wouldn’t quit simply because he didn’t feel like playing now. He could choose not to play after this commitment is over. I called my husband for advice. Multiple times.

My husband and voice of reason reminded me that if I allowed Andrew to back out of his commitment out of fear of failure or for whatever reasons, I’m only setting myself up for a tougher battle next time Andrew faces a situation that looks too big and scary for him.

Andrew began to dig his heels in. “I’m NOT going to practice.” With a non-strong-willed child, this isn’t so much of an issue. With my other boys, you simply tell them the consequence for disobedience, and they oblige. Even if not happy about it. With Andrew…not the case.

“Mom, I don’t care. I’ll take any punishment you give me. No matter what, I’m NOT going.”

Deep breath. Deep breath. I began to give myself talks of encouragement. You are the parent. You are in charge, not the child. God, help!

Then the worst happened. He already needed no real excuse to not want to go. Then we realized his equipment was in his dad’s car. Now we entered a new level of freaking out. At this point I’m grabbing big brother’s glove, another brother’s helmet, another brother’s bat.

“Mom, no, this is embarrassing. I’m too embarrassed.”

“Andrew, that is silly. It’s not a big deal. We are late. Let’s go.”

A strong-willed child doesn’t care about time when being forced to go where they don’t want to go. In their head, they aren’t going anyway.

Sweat is now pouring down my back. “Andrew, I really don’t have time for this. Get in the car right now!”

“Fine, I’ll get in the car, but I’m NOT getting out of the car.”

A strong-willed child will always look for how they can maintain control. He might obey, but he still attempts to control the final outcome. Ultimately, he wants to be the boss of him and he thinks he knows best. This is the point I have to remind myself that for his spiritual good, I have to teach him to desire to live under the control of God’s will not his own.

We race away as I begin to thank God for this small act of obedience. In the middle of my praising God, Andrew begins to panic from the back seat. “Mom, turn around. Right now. Turn around. I’m not going. You can’t make me go. Turn around!”

For the 5 minutes of the drive, I tried the rational lines of communication. But if you have a strong-willed child, you know that rationalization never works. When panic set in, Andrew was unable to hear logic and reason. He didn’t care about consequences. He wanted his way.

In his younger years, I would have jumped in my heart to that point of anger. Why won’t this child obey? Why can’t he just do what I say? I’d become frustrated. Often lose my own senses of logic and reason and focus simply on getting him to do what I wanted. It’s funny because it is like a game of battle of the strong wills. We each just want our own way.

There is a difference in a strong-willed 2 year old and a strong willed 7 1/2 year old. A 2 year old will often at some point give in. Or physically you can force them by picking them up and taking them where you want them to go. I can’t physically pick up Andrew anymore. I can’t physically force him out of the car to go where I want him to go.

In all actuality, I’m not in control. Control. This illusion. As a parent, we think we have control. With a more passive child, we believe that we have the secret to parenting figured out. We can even look at other seemingly out of control kids and think the parents should take a cue from us and get those kids in line. I know this because my first two kids were compliant and obedient. Andrew is obedient, but strong-willed. If he didn’t love God as intensely as he does, I can’t imagine how much harder these struggles would become.

Control is like grasping at the air. Parenting isn’t about controlling. It’s about molding, shaping, guiding. More than anything it’s training a child to love God with all their heart, mind, soul, and strength.

But in the heat of the moment, if I’m honest, I just want the child to obey. I want to train them to love God in the sweeter moments of life. When we are 15 minutes late to practice, I just want them to obey. God doesn’t parent like this. He is less concerned with outward obedience and conformance and more concerned with the heart that arrives there.

We pull into the parking lot and begin a 30 minute, yes a 30 minute, battle. He laid right there on the seat and cried for 30 straight minutes. I tried all kinds of discussions and rationalizations. My husband drove all the way to the field to bring him his own equipment. I was very clear about the consequences he would face for choosing this type of behavior. He didn’t care.

The thing that surprised me is that while I was frustrated, I felt more sad for him than anything. This child loves baseball. He loves being with other kids. He just kept saying over and over how he was embarrassed. And embarrassment is the worst feeling in the world for this child. A fear of embarrassment was causing this.

I looked on him with sadness. I saw how satan was attempting to steal this child’s joy and passion away from him by using fear tactics. And I got angry. Fuming angry. Not at my child, but at the enemy of my child’s soul.

At some point Andrew agreed to get out of the car and walk towards the field. Along the way, he collapsed on the grass multiple times. I felt the burning stares of parents as they looked on our situation from afar. I imagined their thoughts about my parenting. I imagined them saying things like, “Poor child. His mom forcing him to play baseball. He’s so young. He shouldn’t be forced to play.” I imagined them saying, “Can’t she control her child.” Or “Kids these days are just pushed too hard.” Or “If that were my kid, I wouldn’t stand for that type of display.” All kinds of things went through my head. Guess what the root of that was? Fear. Embarrassment. The same emotions taunting Andrew were chasing me as well. I’ve simply had more experience dealing with them.

Out of my fear of what others thought of my parenting, I would get down as close to his ear as I could imagine and through gritted teeth say, “Andrew, you need to get up and walk onto that field. We are now 30 minutes late. You are letting your team down. There is no reason for this.”

Actually, there was a reason. Fear. Embarrasment. Who is the author of that? Satan.

That is when it struck me. Andrew was being controlled by satan’s tactics. Andrew wasn’t in control. He just thought he was.

At this point we were halfway between the parking lot and the field. He planted his feet firmly in the grass, looked at the field, looked at the parking lot, then looked me square in the eyes. His swollen eyes looked deep into my heart. “Mommy, I’m not going. No matter what. I’m not going.”

“Andrew, I need you to listen to me. Who do you love more than anything in this world?”

“God.”

“Who hates God?”

“Satan.”

“Who wants more than anything for you to be scared and embarrassed? And who wants to keep you from doing what brings you so much joy? Who wants you to miss out on playing the sport you love with other kids you love?”

“Satan.”

“Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy. Right now you are letting him control you. You decide right now to show satan who is boss. Satan is not the boss. You are a child of God. You have the power of the Holy Spirit inside of you. Because of that, satan is not the boss. Show him who is boss, Andrew.”

That strong-willed nature that dwells so strongly in him, straightened his chest and stood a little taller. “I need a tissue first.”

“Ok, hold on.” I raced to the bathroom before he changed his mind. The strong-willed child always looks for some area to control. Like agreeing in his own way to go, but only after getting his way of getting a tissue (which he really didn’t need). And that strong-willed nature doesn’t want to be controlled by anything not of God. That strong will would show satan that God was actually in control.

I watched as he walked onto that field. 35 minutes late. An hour of intense battle. But it was worth the fight.

The fight is for their walk with the Lord. It’s for their confidence in Him. It’s for their need to see that God is in control and when we walk in obedience to Him, blessing awaits us.

At the end of the day, we don’t control our kids. It’s an illusion. The desire of our heart is for them to live under the control and influence of God alone. Not desiring to maintain their control, but to recognize the One who loves them fiercely and desires for them to recognize when satan is attacking them. And in those moments fight back out of that strong will and show satan who is really boss.

 

Think Before You Post- 2 Dangerous Social Media Posts

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Quite possibly I’m about to step on your toes or offend you. I pray not, and it’s not my intention, but I can’t stay silent on this any longer.

I’ve written quite a bit about social media. In fact, I’d planned to write a book about it until God changed the course. So instead I decided to publish parts of the material here on my blog. You can read my series Unseen here.

Social media can be all things wonderful and dangerous at the same time. It can look innocent, and motives can be mostly pure, but the post could be doing far more damage than we realize. And this is how the enemy works. He masquerades as an angel of light (2 Cor 11:14). He works in secretive, deceptive ways. Deceiving our own hearts and motives so that we are doing his will without even realizing it.

I see it all over instagram and this alarm sounds as I scroll through posts. Sadly, it’s more prominent in the christian blogging world than anywhere else. That’s partly because thousands of followers will like these posts within seconds, validating that heart desire for affirmation, acceptance, and approval. The person posting sees that people like those kinds of posts and are encouraged to do it again. To seek that filling of being “liked” or “favorited”.

I debated for a long time writing about this. It’s been burning and churning, but I’ve avoided it for fear of offending someone (which is likely to happen no matter what I write) or seeming cynical. I want to say the reason I’m writing this is that I’m convinced there are many young women who are posting on social media and have no idea the danger they are creating with their posts. I hope to open eyes to seeing in a way that the enemy of our souls is using these posts.

 

Post danger #1: Posting a picture of your handsome, well built husband, fiancé, or boyfriend.

 

Sometimes laying on the beach. Sometimes shirtless doing yard work.  Sometimes appearing to be unaware his picture is being taken while he is deep in thought staring out into the wilderness.

The post will have emoticons of flaming red heart eyes, rows of purple hearts and flowers, cascading words of adoring love. There will be a clever phrase about how blessed one is to have such an amazing husband. Possibly a heart of humility that one doesn’t deserve such a man.

 

Here’s why it’s dangerous.

  • There is a woman who will see that picture and be thrown into lust. She struggles with it daily. Men aren’t the only ones who lust and struggle with this temptation. It’s an undiscussed struggle of many women as well.

Porn is an addiction for women as well as men. Spend a few minutes researching the shift in    pornography addiction. It will startle you. Know where it sometimes starts? Right here with these lustful    producing images and posts. It helps create the appetite.

  • It’s setting up your man and your relationship as a target. Placing that picture up in that way makes him a bullseye. There are some women who thrive on the challenge of getting the man who seems untouchable. Don’t put a target on your relationship!

 

  • It breeds jealously and discontentment in another woman. Undoubtedly, a large number of women liking that post don’t feel they are blessed in their relationship. Their marriage is rocky and tumultuous. They feel unloved or unnoticed. They have experienced hurt and failure and are clinging to shreds of hope in their relationship. Then these perfect husbands appear in their feed. Their eyes stop for a moment and their imaginations begin. They begin to create unspoken expectations for their own relationships. The relationship that has been striving for a breakthrough goes back a few more steps.

You see it used to be television and magazines that offered us the picture perfect mate and life to pine over. Now it’s right up in our face, with people we know and love, or people we don’t know but think we do because we are able to follow anyone no matter how famous they are. Suddenly, they become a real person to us. And life and relationships look like the magazines and movies. So it must be real and attainable, right? Wrong!

I’m convinced that many of the women who are posting these types of pictures and posts don’t have any clue what they are doing. Many are young and newly married. They are excited and in 2016 when you are excited you shout through Instagram.

My plea is to stop posting these posts for the sake of your sisters. The ones you don’t know are struggling. Protect their hearts. Love them enough to not proclaim your amazing relationship. Please.

Their hearts are aching in ways you can’t understand. Be sensitive to the fact that a husband who is both incredibly handsome AND the world’s greatest man is just rare. Don’t set that up as the standard to achieve. Help a sister out.

Marriage is HARD and still beautiful. Marriage doesn’t fit the Instagram mold, but it is beautiful in ways Instagram can never achieve.

 

Dangerous post #2: Posting a picture of you enjoying a glass of wine or any alcohol.

I’m not at all saying drinking is wrong. It’s a gray area. Some people have no problem enjoying alcohol, others cannot. I’m NOT saying having a glass of wine is a sin – I don’t believe it is, though drunkenness is a different story. I’m not saying as christian women we can’t drink. I’m saying, do we have to post it? I hope I’m clear here so you will hear what I want you to hear.

Here’s why I believe we should not post those types of pictures- There are younger women in the faith who take their cues of what they should and shouldn’t do from other christian women rather than straight from God. Given a few more years in their walk with the Lord, they are easily able to discern the voice of God and determine what is acceptable for them and what is not.

I struggled early on in my christian walk in knowing how to discern God’s voice. I often looked to my christian sisters to determine what God would have me do or not do.

Again, please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying here. This is not at all a drink or don’t drink statement. I very much believe that this is a personal choice that is perfectly acceptable for some who are not tempted to enter into drunkenness. But for others, one drink leads to many drinks and they simply can’t handle it. When a young woman struggles in this area and she sees a prominent figure enjoying drinks with friends, she may believe that is her green light.

We aren’t responsible for the choices other people make, but we are responsible for the example we set and for the stumbling blocks we erect. Today, this is primarily through social media.

The danger with social media is that it provides us this invisible screen. We can hide behind it not taking full responsibility. It gives us courage to be who we want to be. If we aren’t careful, it can become dangerous in more ways than one.

If you are a christian woman with a platform, you are in a place of leadership. You are a silent mentor, disciple maker in the lives of young women. Many you will never meet. You have a call and a charge to lead them in their walk closer to the Lord.

Before we post, we must ask ourselves what the intent of the post is and what dangers it might pose to another woman. Will it be a stumbling block? Will it tempt her to sin? Will it arouse jealousy? Is it boastful? Is it proud? Is it arrogant? Because that’s not love.

Before we post, we should ask ourselves does this post promote love?

 

Here’s love:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Cor 13:4-7

Love protects.

We must protect our sisters in Christ by guarding what we share and how we share it on social media. We should be open, vulnerable, authentic, and transparent for sure. We shouldn’t be fake or hypocrites. I’m simply saying, if it is a picture that could tempt someone to fall, maybe it should be held for your private photo album.

Do we stop adoring our husband? No, but save those for his ears only. No need to broadcast to the world how awesome he is. Do we stop having a glass of wine with a friend? No. Just no need to flaunt it on social media for the world to form a false judgement on you or set up their standard based on your personal choices.

Do we have to become paranoid about what we post? No, we shouldn’t. Social media is fun and full of wonderful elements. It’s great to share our excitement with others online and to share our journeys of life. But with all good things, there is a fine line. And the enemy that works to destroy us, works very well through social media. He takes what is good and twists it for his evil purposes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The most incredible pursuit I’ve ever witnessed

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The guest house our mission team stayed in while in Haiti was strictly off limits to the kids. Kids swarmed the porch, but they never entered the house. They’d been well trained in their boundaries.

After a full day of activity, many of us rested in the common area inside the guest house. The sounds of the kids outside drifted in through the open doors and windows.

She rounded the corner into the common area of the guest house with full confidence. All three-years-old of herself. As if she belonged there. As if entering that house was a regular occurrence. She locked eyes with me immediately and walked straight to my chair, eyes on mine, and climbed into my lap.

She walked to me as if she knew me, knew who she was walking to, and what she was coming for. She never uttered a sound, just sat on my lap letting me hold her and love on her. I assumed she was a child belonging to someone the Haitian pastor knew because of the confidence with which she walked in that house. We asked Pastor Actionelle, who happened to be with us while this unfolded. He didn’t know who she belonged to.

He gathered a couple local kids to inquire who this toddler belonged to and asked them to find her mother and bring her to us. A few minutes later a young woman timidly entered the guest house. She and Pastor Actionelle entered into a French/Creole conversation. We helped this young mother select clothes for herself and her little girl from the supplies we brought to share. And then they left.

I knew God had sent that little girl directly to me for a reason. I wasn’t sure of the reason at the time, but the message was held in the eyes. It was that look of intimacy and depth. A knowing, a longing, a look inside. There was something there, in the eyes. Jesus was speaking through the eyes.

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Sunday arrived. We watched the families walking to church. Coming from miles away, dressed in Sunday best despite the suffocating heat. Kids spilled onto every square inch of tile on the porch of the guest house. I stepped into the heat when my friends began to tell me that they’d just seen “my little girl”.

I spotted her within minutes. She wore a bright green dress, her hair in braids held by green bows. I opened my hands to her as she walked my way, climbing into my lap. I held her close and tight, sweat pouring down my back, surrounded by mobs of children oblivious to the heat.

Again her eyes seemed to say something. I never heard a word come out of her mouth. But God placed her on my heart and directed her to me for a reason I would soon discover.

Over the next two days, God began to speak louder about this little girl and her mom. I needed to find their home. I needed to know if that mama knew Jesus. As we neared the end of our trip, the burden intensified.

Monday and Tuesday were days we planned to hike to more remote areas and deliver meal packs to families. But rain came and made a hike impossible. We trusted in God’s redirection of our time and prayed He would direct us to where He wanted us to be.

Our pastor suggested we determine if there was a special someone we would like to visit with before we left. God had already spoken to my heart that I was to find my “special” little girl and her mama. It was the mama he placed on my heart.

I knew I would find her that day. I HAD to find her that day. It became about obedience at that point because God was pushing harder and harder.

It was Tuesday. Our last day before we headed into our full travel day back home. At some point that day I scrolled through pictures on my phone when I got to the first group of pictures I took as soon as we arrived that very first day. We stood on the rooftop of the school looking out into the distance. But directly below us was a house. There was a little girl, a toddler looking up at us. A woman stood next to her, maybe her mama. We waved down at them. They waved back. I snapped a couple of pictures.

I’d not thought about that moment again until I began scrolling through my pictures. I froze. Was that my “special” little girl and her mama? I expanded the picture, zooming in. It was them. The first moments of our arrival. Before that little toddler walked straight into my arms. Before I looked into that timid mama’s eyes. Before I knew God was telling me to go find them, He’d already shown me how and where.

I couldn’t believe it. But I could. Because God is the creator of storylines that no writer can write.

There was no question. God wanted me to go to their home and tell them about Jesus. I’d never done anything like that before, but I was certain that God expected total obedience. It wouldn’t be about what I would say. It would have zero to do with me at all. He simply asked that I go on His behalf, open my mouth, and allow Him to do the work. My task involved only saying yes to Him.

Little yellow butterflies hold significance to me. Many times I’ve found myself running along a trail praying, when God sends these little butterflies my way. I notice them at times I find myself in a deep conversation with God. Or at times I feel He has a message for me. It’s something I’ve never shared with anyone because it almost seems silly, but I know that God speaks in intimate and personal ways. These little yellow butterflies are one of those ways.

We stood outside of the school building just hanging out with a few of the children. A cluster of these little yellow butterflies appeared. I watched them flit from here to there before they flew over the school building into the backyard of a house. The house I took a picture of that first day. The house that held my “special” little girl and her mama. God was reminding me one more time how and where to find them.

After lunch Steve and I packed a backpack with some rice and bean food packs and some candy. We grabbed our new friend, Jean-Janelle, our translator and headed to the home. I fought the temptation to plan out what I would say. Instead remembering a text from my mentor with John 12:49-50 “For I did not speak on my own, but the Father who sent me commanded me to say all that I have spoken.  I know that his command leads to eternal life. So whatever I say is just what the Father has told me to say.”

I also knew that many were praying for this mama and her heart to be ready to hear the truth proclaimed. That Jesus paid the price for her and loves her and wants to be the Lord of her life.

We arrived at the home. Several women and children sat on the porch. I saw my special little girl, our translator asked where her mama was. Someone went to find her inside the house, another pulled up a chair for me to sit in. The little girl climbed into my lap and I held her.

I akwardly stumbled through conversation for a few minutes. I looked back at Steve hoping he was just take over for me. He greeted them, told them about our children. We told the mama God placed her on my heart, asked if we could pray. She nodded yes.

We bowed our heads and I began to pray. Praying through a translator gives you time to have dialogue in your head with God. I’d pray a sentence and while the translator spoke, I was frantically asking God to help. I was about to chicken out. I was awkward at this. My delivery seemed choppy and immature. This feels unnatural. Maybe I should just pray, leave the food, and be on our way.

No. God said No. That wasn’t all I was to do. I needed to ask her if she knew Jesus.

After we prayed, I asked Jean-Janelle to ask her if she knew Jesus. She responded that she attends church. There was a particular look in her eyes that told me I needed to keep going. I asked him to ask her if she knows Jesus again.

Her sad eyes met mine for a brief moment before finding the floor. She slowly shook her head no as she raised her eyes back to mine. She knew that she didn’t have a personal relationship with Christ. She knew about Him because she’d been attending church, but she’d never walked into His waiting arms. He’d been chasing her, pursuing her for how long I don’t know. But I know He was chasing hard.

He chased so hard that He sent her little girl with authority to find me, lock eyes with me, climb in my lap and steal my heart. He chased so hard, He captured her and her little girl on my phone before I knew who they were. He chased so hard, He had me reaching out to friends at home to be praying for her. He chased so hard, he caused other friends of mine to pray on that very day for reasons they didn’t know. He chased so hard He sent the yellow butterflies to point me in the right direction. He chased so hard, He sent me and Steve to walk outside of our comfort zone and our own abilities to sit on the front porch of strangers and stumble over words of Grace.

Oh how He loves her. And you. And me.

I asked our translator to ask her if she would like to receive Jesus as her Lord and Savior, she responded with an emphatic yes. Yes she did. She was ready. He had prepared her heart. His arms were wide open and He was drawing her to Him.

In my entire life I’ve never seen a more beautiful picture.

We bowed our heads, and I led her in a prayer of repentance and salvation. And when we said Amen, we held each other in a long embrace. Her cheek pressed hard into mine and she rocked back and forth, saying repeatedly, “Merci. Merci. Merci.” “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

I repeated to her that God specifically placed her on my heart. I had to make sure she knew the lengths God went to chase her down.

We began the short walk back, stepping through mud, passing by pigs, passing a woman bathing in the creek. We stepped into the clearing almost back to the guest house when two white doves flew over our heads. A white dove is a sign of the Holy Spirit ( Genesis 1:2 ; Matthew 3:16 ; Mark 1:10 ; Luke 3:22 ; John 1:32 ). A white dove was a sign of peace for Noah. To me those white doves were God’s message of confirmation. I could leave in peace knowing the Holy Spirit is at work.

I’ve never in my life experienced such a beautiful pursuit. Yet each heart and soul the Lord pursues is beautiful. Each is unique and distinct. Each is intimate and personal. He pursues the hearts of His children to the ends of the earth.

The Vision I Received Before Haiti

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The Sunday before we left for Haiti, I was deeply moved during one of the worship songs. I bowed my head to pray and felt tears burning to escape. I opened my eyes slightly to release the pressure and felt the tears sliding down my cheeks. That’s when I saw this image of the eyes of Jesus. I squinted my eyes to see further into my mind’s eye. The eyes were deep, intense and staring hard into me. As if right into my soul.

I wanted to look away from this look that was intimate and knowing in a way I’ve never experienced. But I couldn’t look away. My eyes focused on the image in my mind. These burning eyes.

Then it was gone. And I knew I had just experienced Jesus in a way I had never experienced Him before. I had no idea what that look meant, what that image of His eyes given to me purposed.

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4 days later we arrived in Haiti. After a full day of travel, we hopped on a bus for a 4 hour drive up into the region of Cathor. The drive through Port-Au-Prince was shocking. I’d never seen anything like it in my life. Finally through the city we continued the journey through more isolated and remote areas.

Children would catch sight of our bus, see our white skin, eyes lit up, they pointed calling out, “Blan!!! Blan!!!” “White, White!”

Their smiles. Oh their smiles. The smiles transformed their faces. And their eyes. Some of those eyes held words lacking a voice. Many eyes I met along that road began to pierce my heart.

The tears began to burn behind my lids again. I felt the pressure. I swallowed hard. The looks in these eyes all held something so….familiar, something so identical. They mirrored the eyes of Jesus that bore into my soul only days before.

My throat caught. I saw Jesus in their eyes. Maybe they knew Him, maybe they didn’t. But He knew them and was looking straight into my soul through their eyes.

It wasn’t just the eyes of the children. Even more knowing was the look in the eyes of the Haitian adults. Piercing at times. God was speaking to me through the eyes of the ones He loves.

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In a post coming soon, you will see why He spoke to me through the eyes. So that I wouldn’t miss what He had in store.

 

Is God Really Enough?

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In the months, weeks, and days leading up to Haiti, I prayed (and had many others praying) for protection from malaria transmitting mosquitos and all other health concerns related to traveling to a 3rd world country.

I researched the threat of disease, the risks involved with medications and vaccines, weighed the pros and cons, and prayed for God’s guidance. God was asking me to trust Him completely. Steve and I prepared our immune systems in the weeks leading up to the trip.

I remembered a lesson I taught to a 4th grade Sunday school class about God having authority over nature and His creation so I began to pray that God command all biting insects away from us while in Haiti and that He close the mouths of all disease carrying insects that He allows to come near us. I prayed for invisible mosquito nets to cover us every step of our trip. And we had many people praying for my fear bordering the edge of ridiculous.

The real question became Is God Enough? Is He enough to cover me? Is He enough if He allows me to get sick? Do I really believe that God is all I need? I say He is, but when I’m bumped up against a fear, He quickly becomes not enough.

As we prepared for the trip, I began to stockpile bug spray. All varieties. I’d place an order on Amazon and slip in another bottle or two of insect repellant. Just for good measure. I was careful to order only sizes that would pass security, some 1 oz bottles, some 3 oz bottles. Along with all our other liquids. I packed and divided up some in my suitcase then slipped some into Steve’s suitcase.

We were prayed up and prepared up. As we stood in the security line at the airport, I felt as ready as I imagined I could feel. I’d prayed for months and couldn’t have done one more ounce of preparation or planning for disease protection. Twinges of guilt reminded me that I spent more time praying about my fear of disease and bugs than I spent praying for the hearts and souls I travelled to see.

Steve and I placed our bags on the conveyor belt. I stepped into the body scanner, holding hands high above my head. Walked through allowing them to wave the wand all over my body. I grabbed the bucket containing my shoes and purse when the conveyor belt stopped.

The TSA agents began pointing to the screen, pulling items from our belongings, consulting with each other. One held up a gallon size Ziploc bag containing about 10 containers of bug spray. “Is this for one person?”

Steve looked at me with that look that said, “What in the world have you done?”

He responded back, “We are traveling together. To Haiti. It’s for both of us.”

Well, yes, it was for both of us, but there was more they hadn’t seen yet. They grabbed only the first bag of spray, but I’d slipped into Steve’s bag another Ziploc containing our ‘just in case’ supply.

We stopped the security line as 3 agents began to deal with us. They were digging in all of our stuff. It wasn’t just bug spray. I had essential oils for every possible ailment. I had peroxide, magnesium oil, colloidal silver, creams. You name it, we had it.

The agent turned to me with 2 itty-bitty, teensie weensie quart sized baggies. “You can each only take liquids to fill one bag each. I looked at the bucket of liquids staring back at me.

“But we are going to Haiti!!!”

I honestly believe the security agent felt sorry for me in that minute.

“I’m sorry.”

“But this is a ton of money in these bags. Will you throw it all away? Can you at least use it or give it away?”

“No, ma’am. We are required to throw it away.”

I felt my stomach turning over. The thought of all that money going into the trash can followed by the realization that I would now enter Haiti much less prepared than I planned or desired.

That pestering thought whispered again. “Is God enough? Really enough? Is He enough to cover you? Is He enough to hold you if He allows disease? Is He enough?”

With the pressure of the growing line behind us and our waiting travel partners ahead of us, we began the task of deciding what made the trip and what made the trash. About 10 containers of bug spray made the trash, but I managed to take about 3-4 small containers with us.

Psalm 63:1-8

God, You are my God; I eagerly seek You.
I thirst for You;
my body faints for You
in a land that is dry, desolate, and without water.
2 So I gaze on You in the sanctuary
to see Your strength and Your glory.
3 My lips will glorify You
because Your faithful love is better than life.
4 So I will praise You as long as I live;
at Your name, I will lift up my hands.
5 You satisfy me as with rich food;[a]
my mouth will praise You with joyful lips.
6 When I think of You as I lie on my bed,
I meditate on You during the night watches
7 because You are my helper;
I will rejoice in the shadow of Your wings.
8 I follow close to You;
Your right hand holds on to me.

Now began the days of walking in faith that He would be enough.

The only way to believe God is enough is to know Him. Not to know about Him or to serve Him, but to know Him. So I read the Psalms. Reminding myself who He is.

I fought back against my fears, which spoke to make me believe the lie that He would not be enough.

Our travel team received a good laugh at my ridiculous preparations and disposal. When I realized each of them brought one tiny bottle of spray, if any, I felt even sillier that I thought I needed 15 bottles of spray. But that is what fear does best.

One of the very first things I learned in Haiti is we need a lot less than we think we need. In Haiti the things I think I “need” didn’t exist. Or they were left at home. Or God took them.

The rawness of life exposed. What is truly necessity? And what is a crutch. What is a pleasure? And what are the things that allow me to rest my fears on them rather than removing everything so all I see is God. In Haiti so much is removed that seeing God is not difficult at all. Seeing God is seeing that He is enough.

I shared this on my Facebook page on April 19th (exactly one month from our departure date):

If we had any idea of God’s deep affection for us, we would go through life fearless. If we really trusted Him, nothing would cause us to pause in the dark before moving forward.
We are going to Haiti on a mission trip in 4 weeks. To be quite honest, I’m scared. Scared of many things, and I have an army of people praying right now.
Here’s what God showed me this week. He knows every tiny speck of fear that has found a home in our hearts, even the ones we’ve denied and not brought before His throne.
Two weeks ago I walked outside and the biggest mosquito I’ve ever seen in my life darted at my face. I screamed. At a mosquito. It was the size of a small bird. Or was it my fear distorting my view? I don’t have a mosquito fear in America. But in Haiti? Yes, yes I do fear the mosquitoes there. In God’s sweet kindness, He has sent the biggest mosquitoes of my life to me in droves over the last two weeks. I’ve never seen anything like them.
In God’s kindness, He is forcing me to face my fear here and now so I see how small an issue it actually is when placed in the light of a great big God that commands the mosquitoes to shut their mouths. Or command the mosquitoes to go here and there. He is in charge. Not my fear.
This morning I stood at the sink when a prehistoric mosquito made a dive at me. It bypassed the children and made its way straight at me. Instead of shrieking, I grabbed a towel, swatted it down, and threw it in the trash.
I tossed my head back in laughter as my children looked on wondering who this strange woman was in disguise as their mother.
“Boys, God is just so good. He knows I’ve been praying He would close the mouths of the mosquitoes in Haiti and He knows I’m scared of being eaten alive by them (so silly I know but if you saw how mosquitoes attack me, you would understand). And in God’s great love and kindness, He is sending me the biggest, scariest, most monstrous mosquitoes now so I can see that my fear is unwarranted and I won’t be shocked and scared in Haiti.”
They went back to pancakes, and I went to God in praise.
Last night at dinner, Andrew asked if he could pray. After blessing the food he said this, “God, I pray for Haiti and all the people there. And God, I pray that you would help mom to not be shocked by all she is going to see when she is there.”
Ya’ll. That is God! I’ve never said those words. I’ve never considered praying about that. God placed in that little boy’s heart the very thing God knows is going to turn us upside down. What we will see is going to be shocking and jolting in ways we’ve yet to consider.
God is concerned with the most microscopic concerns of our life and this entire world. If we believed that in the bottom of our souls, we would walk in confidence and purpose for His glory.
God has been teaching me so much in the past few weeks. He’s been drawing me into Him in new ways. Showing new things. Giving new understanding and insight. In the in-betweens, there are giant mosquitoes that must be taken down.
Today, remember He loves you in a way you could never begin to fathom. The depth of His affection you could never see. Take your fears to Him. He already knows them. He is ready to go to war on your behalf. Casting down the mosquitoes that arrive in droves.

 

 

God is enough. He is enough in America. He is enough in Haiti. He is enough in all things good and bad. Haiti taught me that too much very often is the thing that covers the fact that He is all we need.

I can’t wait to share more stories from our trip here with you. I have one in particular that still leaves me speechless. So the next few posts, I’ll be sharing stories of our time in Haiti and what God showed us. Thank you for praying!

Oh! And btw, I didn’t receive a single mosquito bite in Haiti. In fact, I maybe saw five mosquitoes the entire time we were there. And they were just outside that invisible net God provided.

Much love,

Renee

Don’t laugh at my video but do take the dare

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Last year I attended the Allume Conference, where I met Krista Gilbert (she’s next to me in the middle of that picture). It took all of 2.2 seconds for me to fall in love with her. Her heart for moms, for the family, for ministry flowed right out of her. And I loved her instantly.

One day at the conference, I stumbled into one of my friends, who quickly whisked me away to this little conference room. I had no idea what I was walking into. She told me it was a project Krista was working on, something about making a video, our roommates were in there.

I went along to support my friends and roommates. Had I known I would stand in front of the camera, I might have hung back. I’m not a quick thinker. I’m a processor, reflective in nature. I need time to decide what I think before moving or speaking on it. I like to practice what I will say before I say it to be sure it comes across clearly.

Well, I’m learning about God’s playful side. The part of Him that smiles down with a little chuckle in His heart and twinkle in His eye. I’m learning to laugh along with Him in these uncomfortable spots.

Krista invited me to record a Mom Dare, so I did. And ya’ll. Goodness gracious. Just watch the video. All I will say is that you can see my head looked like someone wound up the excited nod knob and let it go. My head is just a bobbing along, and several times I thought my smile would turn to laughter as I tried not to look at my roommates watching me do what feels soooooo uncomfortable for me!!

There is no turning back now because it is recorded and out there for the world to see. So forget my camera awkwardness and go take today’s dare.

Jump over to Meaning in a Minute and take today’s one minute dare. I do believe it will bless you. We all need to see His goodness a little bit more in our daily grind.

Just for fun here’s the awkward video.