I Feel Like Someone Is Watching Me


“Mom, do you ever feel like someone is watching you?  Sometimes I feel like I’m on tv and my friends are watching me.”

I paused as memories of my childhood trickled in.  I remember sitting in my room wondering if my grandfather watched from Heaven.  I always wondered if I was on tv.  I mean, if I can see other kids on tv, can they see me?  I also thought that God created the world in black and white and one day added a splash of color.  That’s for another topic altogether.  My dad never got frustrated explaining over and over to me that God created in color from the beginning of time.  There were lots of other things my kid brain didn’t understand.  I thought north meant up.  If you were driving up a mountain, you must be driving north because it’s up.  Right? The fact that we lived on the outer surface of the earth?  Too complex for me.  I wasn’t much of a deep thinker as a kid.  A lot of pondering that went nowhere except in circles.

But I absolutely could relate to my son in how he felt.  I often felt as a child that I was being watched.  Of course, I aged and matured and came to realize that I was only being watched by One all the time.  You would think that would be enough to keep me on my toes.  I mean the God of the universe as your constant audience, shouldn’t that make me desire to act out of my best behavior?

The reality is that on a daily basis, I forget He is constantly watching over me.  Partly because I know that when I accepted Christ as my savior, everything changed.  I realized I didn’t have to “be good” to earn a spot in heaven.  I realized that when He sees me, He sees the blood of Christ washing over me.  That is my acceptance.

I wish I could say that everyday I lived with overwhelming gratitude for the fact that in my ugliest moments, He stills sees me through the blood of Christ.  But I get caught up in my days and lose sight.  I lose my gratitude and my perspective.

Feeling like someone is watching makes my son desire to act a certain way.  I don’t want to merely act.  I want my heart transformed.  I want the desire to be so strong that acting is impossible.  Acting becomes being.

Grace is a word that is used so frequently we tend to forget what it actually means.  Grace is unmerited favor.  It’s getting something I don’t deserve.

I lived for 23 years believing in God.  Believing in God didn’t earn me a spot in Heaven. Placing my trust in Christ at 23 placed my name in His book.  That day I received unmerited favor.  I didn’t deserve Heaven, but He gave it to me because I accepted His son.  That should cover every moment of my day.

I don’t need to act a certain way because He is watching me.  Instead I need to stay in a constant state of gratitude.  Grateful he saved me.  Gratitude for salvation turns acting into being.