Lord, help me. I’m about to blow it with my kids.
The whirlwind called morning finally landed us in the car heading to school. As we began our 25 minute commute with christian music filling the silence, I felt my heart rate slow.
My frustration and anger brimming over how 4 of us sinful beings can bring out the nasty in each other when hunger and tired eyes present themselves in the wee hours of the mornings.
Buttons aren’t merely pushed, they are held down with force until the other person can take no more. The cycle begins. Honestly, it doesn’t matter what system we use (and trust me we’ve tried many). We do the whole ‘set your clothes out the night before’, ‘don’t come downstairs until clothes on, beds made, teeth brushed’, ‘pack your lunch the night before.’ We do all that.
We are as Pinterest-pretty organized as humanely possible. We’ve even done the cutesy charts, which my boys dislike greatly.
Sin doesn’t cower or bow to systems, organization, or good intentions.
Sin is present on the inside no matter what we attempt to do on the outside. It’s in the heart the battle is waged.
Since my boys were tiny, all we’ve ever listened to is christian music. K-Love is the only station programmed in my car. Because I NEED it. They NEED it. I need to at every minute be reminded of truth.
The in-between time is when truth seeps in.
In between the battles of sin is when the Holy Spirit begins whispering to me. Often these in between moments place me in the car, listening to truth sung over airwaves.
This morning was no exception. Everyone followed the system. But brother aggravated brother, brother hit brother, brother used words as weapons, brother cried hard. And mother?
Well, mother tried to ignore. She prayed silently the Lord would intervene and grip their hearts. Then the Lord didn’t answer as quickly as one hopes. So sin won out as my tone turned sharp, my blood pressure rose, I proceeded the daily lecture on the attitudes of the heart.
And then we made it to the car. K-Love played songs of the power of the cross, sin has no power. My shoulders began to let go of the tension.
The music ended as the disc jockeys began to speak on their annual fundraising drive. Normally, my boys love listening to this. They love hearing the testimonies of lives changed when people listen to christian music.
Today the D.J asked, “Do you feel the tug on your heart?”
Andrew asked, “Mom, what’s a tug on your heart mean?”
“Well, you know how when you act ugly, then you come to me later and tell me that your heart hurts, and we talk about how that is the Holy Spirit speaking to you, instructing your heart? Well, that is what it means when someone says that God is tugging at your heart. It’s the Holy Spirit speaking to you.”
“Hmmm.”
The D.Js began using analogies of tug boats and they ran hard with the use of the word tug.
Andrew became more and more agitated with each use of the word tug.
“Mom, turn it off. I don’t want to hear them talking about tugging anymore. I can’t take it!”
“Andrew, I’m not turning it off because the rest of us want to listen.”
After asking 5 more times, he realized I wouldn’t turn it off, so he decided he would simply ruin it for the rest of us. He moaned and wailed loudly. He rolled his window down to freeze us out. He covered his ears proclaiming, “I can’t stand to hear about the tug.”
Lord, help me. Please keep me calm and patient because I feel I’m on the verge of exploding.
I tried using reason. But have you ever tried to reason with someone out of their mind at the moment? Reason makes no sense to them.
In a perfect world, I would gently and lovingly talk to my child about how we by nature are sinful creatures and aren’t we thankful we have Jesus. That we are selfish and think more of ourselves than we think of others. Aren’t we glad for Jesus? And for some moms, this works. This would work on Jacob and Zachary. They have completely different personality types.
But when your child is cemented in his ways, no sweet words are going to do the magic trick.
Lord, help me. I need you to make me the parent you want me to be. Because, Lord, right now I’m about to blow it. Help me.
We parked the car. The sweet girl we carpool with and Zachary scurry away inside the building. Jacob hangs with me. Andrew continues digging in. Refusing to walk into school. Anything he can to push me over the edge. I’m tottering. I’m swaying. When will I tip?
Jacob is trying to get my attention. He has big issues. Forgotten homework, lost piece of paper. Big in a 12 year old world. He’s got a mama who is at the school for a conference in her wet hair pulled in a ponytail about to football carry a 60 pound child and leave him at the door of his classroom.
Lord, help me.
I finally deposited him in the school. I made my way to Jacob’s teacher for our conference. I entered her classroom, which was the most glorious shade of quiet. I sat in the chair, and my shoulders released that tension again. It was the in-between. Praise for the in-between.
The in-between is the gift He gives us. The in-between is when we can release all that tension back to Him, to soak up the silence of that moment – however brief it may be.
The in-between is when we are most likely to hear God speak to us.
The in-between is when we feel that tug. That tug that sent Andrew on a spiral descent.
I ended my conference. I got in my car. Another in-between. Silence to reflect. To pray. To listen.
The tug was physically painful for Andrew to listen to. Physically painful. If you heard how my car sounded this morning, you would get what I’m saying.
The enemy knows the power of that tug. He’s no idiot. He knows that if we obey that tug, he loses in an instant. That tug is the last thing he wants us to be aware of. He wants us to ignore the tug.
Andrew fought the tug. Fought hard.
Normally, I would’ve lost it. This morning, by God’s grace, I didn’t simply because I couldn’t. I had to drive carpool. I had a conference at 7:30 am.
Temptation was great for me to lay into Andrew for his poor behavior. For his selfishness. For his anger outburst. If I wanted I could justify my position. I could do all of that.
When temptation is great to sin, He always leaves a door of escape open for us. I’ve found the door of escape easiest to take is a simple silent, “Lord, help me. I need you right now.”
I can’t control my children. Parenting is the greatest display of my weaknesses. I can write about the Lord. I can sit and speak with women about our need for Jesus. Then my children can push me to the point of questioning why in the world the Lord could possibly use me in ministry.
Fight the temptation to go there, friends. When our thoughts go to how awful we are, we begin to think too much of ourself and not enough of Him. These are the moments to fix our eyes on Him. Off us, on Him.
Eyes off us, eyes on Him.
Then that tug comes. That tug that reminds me that He uses us when we are completely dependent on Him. He’s not looking for a perfect mom. He’s not looking for the Pinterest perfect morning routine. He’s looking for a heart that loves Him and cries out for Him.
So we pray for our hearts. We pray for our children. We let the tugging begin. We don’t resist the tug. We let Him tug us all the way to Him. We let go, falling completely into Him. He lifts us up. He strengthens us for the job. He sends us back out, still holding that rope to Him. Too much slack, He’ll gently tug. In desperate times, He’ll pull with full force. He never lets go.
Don’t let go of that rope today. Hold tight, so you feel His tugs. The gentle and the firm. Loosen your grip so you can fall into Him today.
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