A Letter To My Boys (The Real Reason I Say No To Electronics) – Repost

Renee,

You’re words are exactly my thoughts when it comes to electronics. Thank you for expressing so beautifully my struggle. We had friends over the other night and they had the iPhone at the dinner table to help their 15 month old eat! My 2 year old shouted “I want to watch Mickey!” and of course I said, “no, it’s time for dinner. Not time for a show.” It’s so hard raising children in this age of electronics, thank you for showing me I am not alone in this fight!

Kori S.

You give me the words to my son.thanks

Yes!!! I have 5 girls. Hopefully in 10-20 years they can meet your sons! These are the men I pray my daughters find!

I am an elementary teacher and have raised 3 boys just as technology was getting started. I can tell you that this young mom is TOTALLY on the right track. Each year I increasingly get the majority of 20 students who don’t know simple manners, can’t get along with others, can’t communicate with others and have NO imagination. When I ask 2nd graders to write about a personal experience, they don’t know what to write about – MANY write about video games or having a play date where they played a particular video game. I do think technology has a great place in our world, but it is quickly becoming a sad epidemic in our young children.

As a grandmother these words ring true not only in the way we raised our own but now for our children for our precious grandchildren

Renee,
I’ll admit to not being as diligent with my kids. But, yours is a refreshing viewpoint. There is no greater, nor more rewarding, relationship than we have with our children.

Thanks for the read

Renee, my 5 sons are grown and I thank God phones were just that, phones! I got to see and know my kids when they were growing and saw the amazement when discovering little things they never would have seen in this day & age. Discovering there is a wonderful creator. Even ad adults there are family times I wishthe electronics hadn’t been brought out. Fellowship with loved ones is not the same and you are right about everything you said. It would be great if what you wrote could show as an alert to everyone’s phone. Your words may be just what they need to read to understand the big picture!! Thanks for that and God
bless you. You degfinitly have a gift with words!

I agree and disagree. I agree with not letting kids be consumed by technology or to use it as a babysitter but at the same time I would want my children to access to it everyday for at least a short period of time. The truth is, is our world is a tech world and if our kids do not know how to use these skills how will they land a good job or keep up. Even business meetings are thru technology. Also my kids have learned so much thru the internet…. They have learned about all kinds of animals and species, different countries and cultures ect.. maybe it’s just better not to let kids be indulged in video games or cartoons. Also my children are outside a lot too:)

I am the mother of 2 boys and must say I feel more like Beth. Technology is and always will be a way of life. You can choice to take that away from your children or you can teach them how to use it to there advantage. My boys are 5 and 20 months. They both know how to use iPads and laptops and other technology. They are limited only to educational programs, learning games and age appropriate reading and music. Both my children are far advanced for their age. My 5 year old reads better than most 2 graders, he knows sign language, basic math and has a vocabulary of a 10 year old. As much as I would like to take credit for teaching him, most of this came from learning apps, videos, and games. I get complements for my children singing the alphabet song in walmart playing on my iphone. It keeps them happy while shopping and often entertaining to the people around us! I still enforce no games at dinner and other times. But I think to say no technology at all is extreme and can limit your child’s learning. Just another mothers opinion.

I did not purchase these devices for my children either. They were interested each time their friends got a new game system for a while, but were bored quickly. I bought them a dump truck load of dirt to play on instead. I also have a saying ” my favorite tv and radio station is WOFF. they all have one”. I have given this advice to young mothers and have been thanked for it many times. When you pick you children up from school or practice at the end of the day, don’t have the radio playing. You will hear 90% of what is going on in your child’s life in the first 20 minutes (whether you want to or not) if you just let them talk uninterrupted. If you wait until the dinner table and ask “how was your day” you wont get much. My son and daughter were required to play a sport of their choosing and finish the period they signed up for. They were also required to play an instrument. They were not required to be good at any of these, but it turns out that they were. We also said we would match whatever funds they saved to buy their first car and we would pay the first 6 months car insurance, then they were on their own. They became soccer referees at age 13 and saved their money. They both graduated from a prestigious private college, making the dean’s list, became teachers, are married, one with children. and they both married gamers! They still see it as a big waste of time and money. Now I hear myself coming out of their mouths “Go play outside in the fresh air and sunshine” I think the devices are fine if they are set for Kindle and the child is reading the classics, but hours of mindcraft or grand theft auto is neglect.

I agree with Beth – while I would prefer reading or coloring than addictive games on the ipad, and I think more can come out of reading a book and then talking about it for example, I also think making devices so taboo can be limiting. It shouldn’t be all or nothing. You can have a good balance, and technology with limits and used in certain situations can be inspiring, have good teaching moments, and be an opportunity to bond and talk as well.

I don’t allow my kids to use devices during meals, family time, etc. But I do allow them time with their devices and monitor and suggest certain types of apps and activities and try to do things that incorporate mom/dad, siblings, etc. so it’s just not shutting themselves off. Because of this and talking about the technology and apps that are used instead of just letting them veg out, my 10 year old son became interested in programming. He’s got great (though slightly grand) ideas for the kinds of apps he wants to build and has immersed himself in kid-friendly programming tutorials and books and wants to take classes this summer. That wouldn’t have happened if he was restricted of almost all technology free time. We do need people who can connect with each other, but we also need people who can lead the next generation of technology and be inspired to think of new and innovative solutions to problems in the world.

Having said that, I greatly appreciate the sentiment and ideals of parents who aren’t just blindly letting their kids watch movies, play incredibly addictive games, and zone out with screens and this was very beautifully written. I just think there’s balance there that’s can expose things just as valuable as the no-devices benefits desired here.

Wow! I loved this so much. I am a mom of three young boys who are venturing into the world of electronics and this was such a blessing to me to read…now I have the words to explain why I say no so often!

Ooops, I meant **caring** instead of “carina” when I was describing my mother.

What a lovely re-refreshing post!! I am so happy to read this I have 4 miracle babies ( 9-2 , two boys two girls) And we are Electronic free house here ( as far as games and devices, I have a Lap top, and we have controlled DVD /Movie Time), we treasure every moment we have as a family and its so nice to see that we are not the only ones who do have games and such or that our children are not super glued to electronic devices .

God Bless you and Yours !
xoxoxoo

Thank you for putting into words the way I feel about this issue. I don’t have children of my own but do have a niece and nephews and love children in general. (I just became a teacher in a midlife career change.) I just hate to see children or parents glued to screens completely ignoring the other. I recently had dinner in a restaurant and observed two children each with a screen in front of them and two parents. The kids never put the screens down, not even to eat, and the parents never said a word to their children throughout the entire meal. I so wanted to tell these parents what they were missing and what they are doing to their kids. The other thing that drives me crazy is to see a DVD playing a movie in a car and to notice that the license plate is from the same county we’re in. It’s a sad state of affairs if a parent and child can’t occupy themselves and/or have a conversation and enjoy each other’s company within an hour of home. I am going to share this and hope I have many more friends do the same. Thank you and have a great summer!

Amen to your letter,
Ralatioship is so precious. I don’t have kids on my own yet, but I can say from my memories: i enjoyed the time really playing outdoors with friends, or playing Community Games like Scrabble instead of console games.
I wish that some day i can pass this lesson on to my future kids.

Best regards

It is beautiful and brought tears to my eyes!!!!Thanks for the beautiful words of wisdom!!!

Wow! There are a lot of families that will be changing how they rear their children…because of your letter to your boys. Really amazing. You have given a gift to everyone that reads this.

This was so well written. I limited time on electronic devices when my kids were young. My oldest is the father of 4 boys. The second oldest is horribly addicted to games and will do whatever it takes to get his hands on them. Funny thing is when he is not allowed access, after the screaming and begging are done, he picks up his Mr. Potato Head and begins to use his amazing imagination! There is so much to be said for using what God provided us with at birth! Thanks… I will be sharing this post!

its a great reminder to not be the parent on the phone all the time when my kids are trying to talk to me and be with me. Thanks for the reminder.

I am so impressed that you have acted thoughtfully and proactively to limit electronics use. As a therapist who treats adolescents, I am getting more and more disturbed about their inability to communicate effectively and form meaningful relationships with others due to the predominance of on-screen vs face-to-face communication. I applaud your approach and respect your lovely wishes for your boys’ social and emotional development. Best of luck!

Love this! My kids (11 yrs and 7 yrs) don’t have electronics or watch any tv (with the exception of a movie once in a blue moon).. It has been the best 5-6 years of our lives!

Yes! Yes! Yes! I have been saying these same words to everyone who will listen for a couple years now and unfortunately so many people just scoff and say “it’s the way of the world” my daughter is only 20months but some people think it’s ridiculous that she’s never “seen” a screen. But guess what? She is speaking in sentences, she’s curious, she’s adventurous, she loves books and singing songs. And like you said, I LOVE spending every second watching her learn and grow and helping her explore the world around her. I am a teacher and it breaks my heart to see what screens are doing to our children. Right before I read your letter I posted this on my Facebook wall.

Today as I was reading with a sweet kindergarten child, I had to ask her this question as part of the assessment I was giving. “would you rather have someone else read to you or would you rather read to someone?” and her response was, “I’d rather read to someone and it would be more mom because she would be so proud! She doesn’t know that I can read.” so I asked her, “why doesn’t your mom know that you can read?” and she said, “because she’s never listened to me read before because she’s too busy on her tablet to read with me”

My heart broke for this little girl but also for her mom that is missing out on the opportunity to experience her child’s successes. Unfortunately in the world our kids are growing up in, I fear this is the norm.

I pray more parents like you can spread the word and educate other parents on this topic.

Thank you so much for sharing.

What an incredible message to your boys. If they don’t appreciate it now, they certainly will when they are older. I love everything you said. I’m a 62 year old wife, mother, grandmother, sister, friend that is battling cancer. I’m cherishing every single moment with each member of my family. I’m also not a fan of electronics being pulled out at events, dinners, sporting events etc. I like you want to see people’s faces and their reactions to what is being said. Bless you for your letter to your boys . I would love to be able to write a letter to my family and friends speaking to them from my heart of what this cancer is doing to me but what all of them mean to me and that I hope that each understand that whatever time I do have left will be a time well spent with each of them. Thank you .

I totally agree with you, We have a 2 year young grandson. If he even sees our cell, he wants to play with it. Many times he will sneak it from me. He can even scroll across it and I ddi not have to teach him this. I like seeing him play outside and I want him to learn about God, nature, this beautiful creation, how things are made and learn love from his grandparents. thanks for this article. I will be sharing it.

I love not only this post, but also your gracious responses to others. Too many blog posts take an all-or-nothing approach to anything (electronics, sugar, etc.). No one can live like that! So thank you for the balance. 🙂 We, too, go through cycles of screen time usage. Right now, I think it’s ME that’s most out of whack (I recently scrolled through the iPad at the dinner table. Yup.)! So I think I’ll start this week by setting a screen-limiting example and see how my boys follow suit. Thanks for the inspiration!

Wow, how amazing to know their our other mothers that feel the same way I do. My children make it seem like they are going to die without the iPad at the table while we eat or when we are out some where! I try and explain this very thing to my boys all the time. Telling them that they are my precious gifts from God and I selfishly want their time. Time to learn with them and discover new things through their innocent eyes and souls. You are truly inspiration and so was your letter. Thanks for sharing such honesty

Thank you for your article. It was very well written and you brought about many wonderful points. I agree and disagree as well. Setting limits on usage, as you have done, is a MUST! Having said that, I will admit to you that I am THAT mom you see in the doctor’s office allowing her seven year old to play on my phone or iPad. What my neighbor in the waiting room doesn’t see, however, are the hours leading up to the appointment, or what took place before we sat down for the meal. That’s when I was at the park with my son, or hiking at a local state park. You might also find me in the back yard swimming laps alongside him, or racing to the other end of the pool. The point I am trying to make is simply this: be very careful not to judge a book by it’s cover. The mom in that waiting room or restaurant seemingly ignoring her child with their nose in an app…she may have spent the five hours prior to that moment in deep conversation with her child.

That’s my two cents, for what it’s worth. It is OBVIOUS you are an amazing mother and your children are blessed to have you.

Thank you for an awesome, well written letter! As a mother of young adults and a teacher of first graders, I wish every parent would read and take heed!

Thank you for this letter! My 4-year-old has been allowed too much screen time in the past and it hasn’t done him or I any good! But I, too, am guilty of looking at my phone, of disengaging because I’m tired or stressed. I think that in restricting our kids screen time, we need to examine our own as well. Facebook can wait!

As the mom of 3 grown sons, I personally loved this. As a single mom, I was often critized by my own family for letting them be involved in so many sports. That being said, I would do it again. I loved being a mom (still do) but time flies by. God bless you

What a great read to wake up to this morning. This is an area in our lives that we have been adjusting as well. I could say a lot of what’s already been said as a mother of four
( 16,13,12 and 6) but I think the greatest thing I can say is thank you. In this busy crazy world it’s nice to have another friend in Christ share truth in love! Let’s bring balance to the lives of more children. Blessings!

This mother gets it. I love your words, thank you!

Awesome! I need my 13 year old daughter to read this …..

Beautiful… Written from a loving individual who understands we are not in this world alone. You are dead-on with your observations. Thanks for the uplifting message and I hope we all put at least a few of these ideas into practice!

Thank you so much for this wonderful post Renee. I couldn’t agree with you more! We do not by any means ban screens altogether but we very much limit it. Are there times on long roadtrips when it would be easier if he was comatose, fixated on a screen in the back of the seat? Absolutely! But then I’d miss out on the silly song sing alongs, ispy and precious opportunities for uninterrupted conversation. He knows how to entertain himself and has a wonderful imagination. I treasure our mommy/son dinner dates out at restaurants when my husband is working. Are there times we have to take our desserts to go because his attention span has worn out? Sure, but as he gets older that will change. Again, kuddos Renee!

I just chatted with my son about this yesterday. He is still unconvinced, I’m afraid. But that’s okay. I am very close some days to giving more screen time. We had an emergency run to the library to find an old-fashioned method way to fill a summer day. Thanks for your words. Glad we are not alone in our wacky decision to parent our son.

Beautifully written. How I have longed for the days I grew up in… before cell phones and satellite tv and computers… those days when we carried a quarter in our pocket in case we needed to call home. Those summer nights when we played outside until dark only to collapse into bed exhausted and happy! I still believe we can have those times in this changing world and I am determined to teach my kids the things you so eloquently wrote about!! Thank you….

I am so impressed by your thoughtful and patient responses to those who did not read your introduction stating that your children do know how to use electronics well. I would be tempted to respond by cutting and pasting an excerpt. You have encouraged me to be more proactive in this area. My youngest, age 8, can go unnoticed and spend time on my phone. My older three were not allowed to do that. I, too, enjoy them all so much. I’ve decided to put my own cell phone away, and have it forward my calls when I am home because if this letter. Thank you.

We have been the exact same way raising our 5 children! We loved our family time (still do) and have taken every opportunity to invest in each others lives and cultivate the importance of relationships! I am so thankful for the way we have lived life as my oldest son at 21 just died in a tragic car accident and we praise God that we don’t live with regret but amazing memories of life together! Our oldest was an amazing connector and loved well others around him! He has left the hand print of God on all that he knew. Everyone who spoke at his memorial talked about how other centered he was and what a cultivator he had been in their relationship and they marveled at that because they said they have had few friends who make that kind of time and investment. Continue to hold to standards that promote, preserve and protect authentic relationships that build a lifetime of memories. Our time together is brief.

I’m only 18, but my parents never had smart phones or ipads for us to play on. When we went somewhere and knew we were going to be bored we took books with us. When I got a little older I learned how to solve a rubik’s cube and I carry one with me all time. The funny thing is that when I pull it out of my purse and start to solve it people become interested. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve met and talked to just because I had the cube in my hands. I find myself wishing that other young people could experience that as well.

Beautiful Renee. Can we send this message home with every new mother, and share it at every parenting class? Thank you for your wisdom. Much love to you and your boys.

Loved reading this letter!
Thanks for sharing!

It is sad to see a stance of zero taken with kids and the number of people who support this type of thinking. An absolute zero will result in rebellion!

While you feel you are doing something good for them, you are really restricting them on needed skills for their future. Too often I see adults locked out of job advancement because they have their learned limitations because they refuse to adapt to electronics. I have five boys, who are in various stages of life. I have encouraged them to learn electronic devices, and it is difficult to communicate at times when I refused to adapt to their communication styles. But today’s world is evolving so fast, it is so much easier to get caught in social and economical disadvantages because of the electronic knowledge gap.

Rather than an absolute zero, there should be fun things done together to embrace the technology. Do things like computer classes, internet classes, even do some virtual reality and gaming together. I have taken cross country trips with my kids where I cycled the amount of time they could play on their various electronic devices as video games, and we would have times of no electronics, camp fires, swimming in the ocean, looking out the window enjoying miles of scenery and other things together.

So, what is going to happen when your kids have to carry an electronic devices because their college no longer teaches from printed books? Or assignments require email conversations to complete the work? Will you be happy when they are put in remedial classes because of their lack of knowledge of using an electronic device? Today’s youth are bored from memorizing what is written on a chalk board… But wait, many classrooms don’t use chalk, they use power point presentations.

Moderation should be practiced and forcing your kids to your way of thinking will hurt them in the long run.

Great common sense and honesty. Would apply to young and old. Many are “addicted” to the electronic devices and forget the world and their love ones around them. Thanks for the eye opening letter.

This was beautiful, and says so much of what I have discovered. For the first year or so I was with my boyfriend and his 6 year old daughter, there was no internet. We didn’t have TV or the computer or any other electronics. We spent time together, we enjoyed each others company. Looking back on that time, I truly believe we were all three happier then. We played together, we talked to each other….now we are all too busy (yes, me included) with our electronic of choice. I find it quite funny that I never heard my boyfriend’s daughter complain of being bored back then, yet now she has the computer, TV, 3DS, PS3, IPOD and all I hear out of her is how bored she is. I would like to get away from the electronics, but I am always met with opposition when I suggest it.

What is child training?

Excellent! My kids thought they were deprived because we did not put tvs in their rooms or give them cell phones or video game consuls in their rooms- but I also think this applies to couples when I see them in restaurants each using their phones instead of relating to one another at all – so sad.

Thank you!! I too limit my children’s time but I was doing it so their little brains would grow. Not only does this letter show me more reasons but helps me grow as a mother. It will finally be a good reason to tell me children why I’m doing what I’m doing. Thank you

My son and I just had this talk of why he can’t have electronics and that all his friends had them why can’t he. I said cause I am not everyother kids mom but I am yours and you don’t have to have them all the time. Your story is amazing and just what I needed to here and help me with the situation. Thank you so much!

In an instant the “safe” sites your young ones are looking at on their IPads turn to pornography as they go into their teen years. Please parents, do not give up the due diligence of being absolutely sure you know what your children are watching/playing/searching, etc. As a 13 yo, our son had a friend forward him a YouTube video link with the message, “This is GROSS!” What 13 yo boy wouldn’t open it up? What was gross was a couple “having sex” in a parody of a skittles commercial. THAT quick! THAT fast! Our 16 yo is into trucks and truck components. As he was on a site for mufflers and such, on the side bar were links to “pretty girls in your area”. Simply sliding his cursor over to that panel and THAT quick! THAT fast! pops up inappropriate photos. Playing games is the least of our problems today.

Oh my gosh love this! that’s our belief in our home. Its sad because kids think without the technology gadgets they can’t function. I recently took my daughter to dinner after her 6 grade formal it was my daughter and a friend my husband and me. We were having a great time but I noticed the people behind my daughter, I believe father and daughter they were stuck on there cell phones the whole time the only time they put the phones down were to eat,that was time lost from each other I was so saddened by it. I love listening to all the things my kiddos have to say also love there ?’s. well god bless. I am going to have my teens read this.

Renee,

Your are so right. This is true also for grandparents, with your permission I will read this letter to my precious granddaughter over time, she is only seven months old now.
Thank you and God bless you and your family.

Paulo

I work with children that have special needs, many of which have sensory processing disorder. SPD can be very difficult to cope with. I think the way you described your children was beautiful. The parent with a child who has special needs will describe their child no less beautiful but different in the way they process their environment and accept the love and attention that you described investing into your own children. I have three children, none of which have special needs. One that is “very active”, “all boy” if you will. However, having worked with children that have special needs and talking with their caregivers, I can see through their eyes what they go through on a daily basis. Things that we “typical” families take for granted. Like, sitting at a restaurant without a knot in your stomach because you are dealing with your child’s 8th meltdown of the day. Like, attending a family get together without hearing, “Boy he really likes his tablet doesn’t he :)”. And my favorite, “If you would just discipline him he would not…….”. I appreciate your thoughts and time to share the love you have for your kids. But, it just may be that the family sitting next to you with children who are on their devices are getting the first real chance to sit in some peace and quiet. We can’t assume that a child that we only see for a moment on their device, is always on their device. No more than If I observe you sitting with yours and assume that your family does not own one. Just another side of the coin !!!

It amazes me that so many people seem to think that you are advocating “no” electronic use in your home. Apparently they did not read your letter in it’s entirety. I agree with you whole heartedly, and also fear the consequences of so much contact with the radio frequency of these devices. This can only have negative effects on our children being subjected to it at such an early age.
Jackie

I do not envy parents in this era – raising kids just 15 years ago was less electronic. I’m glad i didn’t have to face this; I may have taken the easy route. As it was they were stuck talking to me at meals – didn’t know how lucky i was to know my kids while I raised them. Good conversation for current and new parents!

Dear Renee, Sigh!! Parenting in 2014 is a challenge. As the mom of 4 sweet children, 3 girls and 1 boy, I am faced DAILY with the upstream battle of being a different kind of mom. We have never had video games in our home. We do not allow cell phones until that child is in an extra curricular that requires contact with us. We do not allow cell phones in their bedrooms once they have them. We have boundaries on the usage of their phones.
We love our kids but more, we LIKE them. We only get to share life this close for a small period of time. We want to train them to be reality focused. We want to train them how to handle real world situations! We want to spend time with them, grabbing their thoughts, dreams, desires and passions.
It is a challenge. But it is a challenge my husband and I gladly take on and face together. How can we not?
Thank you for so eloquently putting my thoughts and heart into words! I will be copying the letter and passing it out at dinner tonight! <3
Blessings to you!

I love this!!! We have three children. 18, 12 & 18 months. I have considered having a device collection basket in the van. Automatic collection. The baby already loves his “shows”. I love seeing him smile and play and discover. 🙂 thank you. Needed this reminder. 🙂

I’ll tell you. Everyone thinks I was crazy to not allow our daughter (now 11) to use a computer until she was in 1st grade and doing so again with our son (3). If nothing else I want them to just be kids. Play outside, play inside, make up games, get creative, etc. I will admit that with our daughter now we allow too much screen time but are working on a reward system with a max amount of time per day. If she goes above and beyond, minds her manners (this is a tough one right now), etc., she earns x amount of time on the iPad/computer. In return, if she doesn’t doe the things that are required of her (chores, help when asked, etc) she will lose x amount of time that she’s already earned for the day. We feel that this will reduce her sense of entitlement that currently exists with the electronics as well as just improve her as a whole being. Plus, heck, it helps keep us sane at the same time 🙂

I applaud you for what you do and the letter was truly touching and beautiful.

This is AWESOME!!!!!! I have a almost the year old son, Logan, who loves his Leap Pad 2 and my Samsung Tablet. We’ve let him use it because it had been really educational for him, but here lately he wants it when we’re going to eat it we’re doing something as a family. This really resonated with me. Thank you. We lost a son at birth last June so, I think I’ve been more apt to letting him use it more. I’m currently for months pregnant with another boy and I don’t want to miss anything with them. THANK YOU!!!,

Renee
I am so happy that there are moms like you out there. I have taught for 32 years and I witness almost daily the disintegration of communication skills and creativity.

Guilty! Thank you for sharing your story and really making me realize the damage I’m doing! Our children are precious gifts and I don’t want to miss a second! THANK YOU!

What I love most about this article is that you are not in any way attacking the parents of other children and their choices. You have simply explained your own choices for your family. So often today we end up attacking one another for making a different decision than we would have made….from breastfeeding to parenting style and on and on. For whatever reason, so many people take it personally if you make a different decision than they have – like it is some sort of personal attack on their own choices. I appreciate how you have spoken with love to your own children and explained your choices for them.

Renee,
As a small business owner without kids, I can assure you that you are also ensuring you’re children have the skills truly needed in business. Everyone knows how to use technology, but few know how to interact with people. Your boys will have a huge advantage in job opportunities with their abilities to interact relationally with others.

As a side , two of my friends who don’t know each other shared this with me. Great job getting these thoughts out there. God bless you.

As a homeschooling mother of 3 I greatly appreciate the sentiment expressed here. Your heart towards your children is beautiful! I think the reason you have gotten several comments about “balance” and ended up feeling the need to qualify this repeat post with some explanations about not fearing technology- is that it does come across a bit black and white or all-or-nothing. However each family needs to do what works for them, both practically and philosophically. We use a system with “tickets” for media time, and once the allotment for the day is gone then it’s gone! (no saving up tickets for the next day either) This works wonderfully especially for my oldest. (mine are 8, 5, and 2 and one on the way 🙂 ) He budgets his time and decides what he would rather spend it on. He just got into Minecraft and saves a ticket for the end of the day so he can play it with his Dad, great bonding time for them. There are days when it’s tempting to give them more tv/games…especially being a homeschooler and having them all home all day! But this is all the more reason why I need to be careful, it could easily become a habit that gets out of control.
I am not against using it in public places, it can be useful and honestly- if they are already limited in the amount of time they spend on media then I don’t believe there isn’t any harm in using it as a form of entertainment in certain situations. I had all 3 at the doctor’s office today and no one asked to play on my smartphone, instead the younger two eagerly piled books on my lap (way more than I could have read in our waiting time). However, if the circumstances had been different…if one were very ill and needed my undivided attention, or if we had not used much media time that day and they asked for some in the waiting room, why not? Same goes for restaurants (while waiting for food), and other similar situations. We only allow movies in the car for rides over 30 minutes, and my kids sometimes don’t notice or ask even if the ride is longer than that! (Other times I OFFER it if the ride is long and I’m noticing boredom fueled crankiness set in- it is one option they have along with books, coloring, daydreaming, etc.)

No I didn’t have all of these things when I was a kid. I was a voracious reader and excelled in school. I also remember being bored to the point of claustrophobia at times. I’m thankful that I can help my kids to develop skills to entertain themselves without electronics, but also give them the chance to enjoy it when appropriate. This has nothing to do with feeling they need to learn how to use it to function in society, I just think it’s not a bad thing if you are disciplined with it!

It is good to see so many have been inspired by your letter, it’s certainly a stance more families in our society need to take. I also like how you approach it from the angle of connectedness and not just “it’s bad for your brain”. Thank you for posting.

Enjoyed the letter very much. My best time with my 12 year old twin girls is when we get away to the wilderness, where talking is the only way to communicate. I learn more about my girls in that time when there are no distractions and only conversation to pass the time. I limit my girls’ screen time closely but truly value the “off-grid” time to truly get to know them even better.

Thanks for the great article. Wish more felt the way we do!

Rob

I am a freshmen in high school. I have grown up so far without a phone of my own but I know how to use devices and technology. I have gathered so many precious memories from my childhood. Just walking across the street to me and my sister’s friend’s house. I even cherish the pre-k jump start learning games. I love my family so much. We have been through so much together.
I am scared to think of those years with no play-mates but virtual characters. Instead of sneaking up on our older brother like lions sorting colors on a screen. Instead of prowling the library in search for good stories while my mother turned in books, but trailing behind her on a phone.
I am torn to see these symptoms in my younger brother. I burn inside for him, for what he is missing. He is missing those exiting discoveries. Sometimes he spends 6 hours on the computer straight. This letter gave me so much hope for him. To know that even though I am not a parent I can still help him to see and look up and around.

Love this. I am the same way with my kids but could never have put the “why” into words so beautifully. Thank you!

Great read. I have two boys, 14 and 16. I have been a single parent since they were babies and I was often tempted to plunk them in front of the tv when I needed a time out. The house rules have always been strict — no tv on school nights, no video games ever. I bought them a Wii a few years ago — they are lucky to play on it once a month.. They are too busy with sports to spend time in front of the tv or on the Wii, anyway.
They have iPhones with histories that only I can clear. Texts have to have a purpose (e.g., to ask about homework). The phones must be left at the door when they arrive home. The family computer sits in an open area where I can see the screen. They have never had a DS. On long car trips, they can read or play cards if they are bored with talking or staring out the window. There are more benefits to gain from reading than from gaming!
They are both *very* computer literate. Their school marks are amazing. It’s all about balance.

Renee
thank you for such a beautiful letter. I couldn’t agree with you more. When I was growing up we played outside until it was dark and never once asked for my computer which I did have as a child. I am 32 so we had computers and Nintendo s but we were brought up outdoors and playing with friends and family. Now days that’s all you see are kids non stop with ds’ s and iPhones, iPods and ipads. Not to mention the wii u and Xbox I could go on and on. Im not going to lie my two boys have all those things but I like you limit them on when and how long they play on them. I want memories with my two young boys. To cherish years from now and for them to also have memories of me playing with them and doing fun things and talking about their day. Your letter was so heartfelt and meaningful. Thank you for being willing to share such a beautiful letter.

Sadly this overuse of technology is not just a “kid” problem…my husband and I comment about the adults we see in restaurants that are out together but not connecting with one another because they are on their phones etc. I feel so sad for their children since they will learn by their example. Thank you for this letter…it makes me want to go and wake my children just to talk with them a bit longer. I think we all can cherish the time we have with our kids a bit more. I fight against technology because I miss the days of not having those distractions…I miss the days of people not being so rude…I miss the days where the only entertainment my children knew was their mommy or daddy reading them funny stories and making them laugh until they couldn’t catch their breath. Time with our children is temporary…let’s make the most of it before it is gone.

This coming week two of my sons will be here in our home, together, for the first time in over 30 years. One recently released from many years in prison. The other just retired from the Air Force where he was very successful. As I read your letter to your boys my thoughts were, “did I ever connect with my sons in a similar fashion? My son who was in prison is now a born-again believer. He has found Jesus Christ to be the one who has not only saved him from Hell, but from living a life of hell because of drugs and anger and disappointment and. . . To see Christ in him and to share the Lord with him is the greatest comfort to me, and of course to him. My other son, my youngest, still carries about much disappointment (altho’ he was so successful in his life) but, without Christ. Even tho’ he claimed to have accepted Christ in high school. I am so thankful that Christ Jesus is the faithful one. I don’t know if I am to blame for some of their failures, but as a mom I so want to have them all know that no electronic devices, TV or the myriad of other things available will ever make any difference in their knowing what a relationship with their parents or any society or their own family, with wives and children, etc .can be. Only knowing Christ personally will bring them to know what life was meant to be. Keep writing and sharing with all of us. I liked this letter.

This is inspiring and captures much of what is already in my heart. I struggle with screen time as the father of a seven month old boy, thinking he doesn’t know any better, or that it’s mom’s turn to give him face time. Baloney. This kid looks with utter curiosity at the glow of my smart phone. And my eyes are often not meeting his. Thank you for writing this. I recently purchased a “dumb” phone on ebay which allows me to remove my SIM card from my smart phone and use it in a device with limited capabilities other than making calls. It’s time to get back to a true connection. Great letter.

Cristian
Dallas, TX

We have an only child, a daughter, we limit her technology time. 2 hours a day of TV, iPad, phone whatever, even in the summer. like you no electronics at the table, restaurant or with family. As a teacher I see the damage all of this technology time is causing. Thank you for this post.

AN* old fashioned family..
You’re AN* inspiration…

Proofreading would go a long ways! lol

How cooler would this be for a kid to write this to their parents … 🙂

Kids are missing out on their parents!

Great letter!

In our family, it’s the grandma that can’t seem to put her phone down! We just had my parents visit (after not seeing them in 10 months!), and my mom was tied to her phone half the time. My 5-, 3-, and almost 1-year-old children will not be allowed to do that!

This is how it was when we were growing up. I want the same thing for my son and I. Thank you for this beautiful letter. God bless you!!

Thank you for your words and oh how I envy you. I work hard to do this as well with my three boys and I would like (if you will permit me) to add something to your letter. I too have three boys. All 3 of my boys have special needs. I too want to give them all I can and strive for that daily. I must say I fail too …. more than I want to admit. But along with EVERYTHING you said I have asked that people do not judge those of us who have allowed our sons to use electronics. One uses it for communication (Autismate allows our son to place an order with a waiter or hostess and show them as well as use words to convey what he would like to eat). One uses it for his anxiety issues (being around large groups of people in an enclosed environment is a nightmare….for instance a restaurant) and the third has it from coming from an abusive situation in the foster care system. To him he uses it as a toddler would use a security blanket. Once people get past “judging us” and realize each of our sons electronics (the iPad, iPod, and Kindle) have programs where they have to engage others (the waiters, other customers etc) they see how these “electronics” if used properly and with tact can help those with severe issues be able to communicate with the outside world. It is something where electronics do benefit a person. But if I had a nickel for how many times my husband and I have been stopped by good meaning folks criticizing us about allowing the use of electronics in stores and restaurants I would be able to pay for all their therapies without ever having to save up extra money. For those who read this post I 100% agree with you but ask that others please do not judge those of us who have found the electronic world to BLESS us in ways we cannot begin to describe.

I believe our real problem in our world is people who choose not to “be with their children” but look for those things that can “babysit their children.” We all have limited time with our children. My prayer is for those to focus on their children and quit judging others. We all have battles. We all have issues. Let us embrace one another and help one another instead of judging and being critical.

Again, thank you for your words. May we all treasure this precious time we have with our children.

Electronics are an essential part of Modern everyday life. The more you are involved with electronics the better off you will be in the long run. Knowing how to send and receive emails , use social media and other things on computers these days if you want your child to get a college degree learning all they can now about electronics is essential . You look at electronics as a waste of time when in reality the kids who are immersed in using electronics now have the upper hand in getting accepted in to college. The word “I ” appeared 54 times so this letter isn’t to your children it’s a letter to yourself. When left to make their own decisions children sometimes get bored and move on to something else but it is clear that you’re not willing to let that happen.

THAT LETTER OF YOURS BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES BECAUSE MY SONS ARE ALL GROWN WITH FAMILIES OF THEIR OWN.DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES, I WAS NOT ABLE TO STAY AT HOME AND TO BE WITH THEM AS THEY GREW UP.THEIR DAD AND I WERE DIVORCED AND I HAD TO WORK TO SUPPORT THEM.THE GOOD THING ABOUT MY JOB IS IT WAS ONLY A BLOCK FROM MY HOUSE AND I REFUSED TO WORK NIGHTS SO I COULD AT LEAST BE HOME WITH THEM AFTER SCHOOL AND TIL BEDTIME . MY SONS AL GREW UP TO BE FINE CITIZENS WITH NO BLEMISHES..THEY ARE AND HAVE BEEN HARD WORKERS AND THEY RANGE IN AGE FROM 37 TO 55 BUT I REGRET ALL MISSED ..I COULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT HOW PROUD I AM OF ALL MY SONS AND THEIR FAMILIES I AM RETIRED NOW AND HAVE BEEN SINCE MY HEART ATTACK FORCED ME TO IN 1997..GOD HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW I REALLY ENJOYED YOUR LETTER TO YOUR SON…MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY..

Thank you for sharing your letter!! It is so refreshing to know I’m not alone in the technology department. So many have shared that my kids will have difficulty socializing with other children because I have not introduced video games! On top of that our new neighbors have two children and were completely shocked that we stay away from them. The response was so detailed and lengthy of all the reasons why their kids play them. It can be exhausting and responding can be challenging as well.
Thank you again for sharing your heart!!!!
What an amazing mommy you are…

Well said. I think many parents would be surprised at how many kids there out do not have it in them to unplug themselves. And I believe that many parents don’t demand it of them. I hope that my kids will grow up with the ability to hold a conversation with anyone and know how to spell without spellcheck correcting it for them. They are 8 and 10 and each of them have had friends show up at our house for a playdate with their Ipad in hand asking me for the code to get online. I have told each friend that comes in that I do not do that. If you are here to play, then play. Eventually, they figure it out and they are off making forts, making bracelets to sell or busting out the old box of legos. They are happy and almost seem relieved to have a chance to be creative, have a voice and be social. I’m glad my kids are messy kids in the house. That means that they are having fun and not staring at screens all day. More parents should put limits on electronics. The kids will appreciate it without admitting it and most of all…they will survive. Thanks for sharing this article. I’m unplugging now and about to race my kids in the pool – a real race – not a virtual race.

Absolutely amazing letter to your boys. As a wife I get what you are telling your boys. As a mother I too want to communicate that to my children. Thank you for sharing. God’s love & peace. Mo~

Lovely letter.. thank you so much for sharing and for the much needed reminder. My two oldest were virtually electronic free, rarely watched tv etc. We read a lot and they were always outside building something. I’m afraid my youngest (6 and 8 years younger than my 2 oldest) it is much different, partly because he is almost an only child in a way. (oldest two in college now)

Regardless, the same is true.

Thank you again for the much needed reminder.

This is wonderful . . . I grew up in the 90’s, which was the dawn of the Nintendo and Playstation consoles, so many of my childhood friends (as well as myself, I admit) were often glued to the tv screen during the summertime. This article makes me appreciate my mother so much, who would firmly turn off that tv and tell me and my sisters to go outside and play. I’m so glad she did . . . I bonded closely with my sisters during those little adventures we had in our yard, and our relationship remains strong even as we grew up and flew the nest. Thank you for being such a brave, loving Mom! I know challenging the status quo can be a tough road to travel, but your kids will one day appreciate what you are doing for them, and that’s all that really matters in the end. God bless!

Simply WOW!!!! Perhaps this could be published for parents to rethink their way of using Electrics as a babysitter. Thank you Renee for keeping it REAL>!!! Some might call your thinking “old School” but I call it “WORDS of WISDOM”.

God bless you and yours

Pam White/ old school mother and grandmother

Wonderfully written, applies not just to sons but daughters, all family and friends of all ages. We all need to disconnect the devices and reconnect with our attention to those we love.

This is so beautiful! I am one of those grandmothers who sits at a family gathering and watches her grandchildren using their phones and other electronic gadgets and truly becomes saddened (and a little unhappy) that their parents don’t make them put those things away. Actually, sometimes the parents do the same things. We’ve missed way too many moments together because of the barrier those things erect between us. This is a beautiful letter. Thank you. I’m going to try to put it on my Facebook page, but I’m not sure how to do that.

That was beautifuly written. I feel like a failure.

amen, hallelujah, praise the Lord.

This is so wonderful and applies to every family member including spouses . Thank you for these wise words

So very true and so nicely put!

Renee, I do not know you, but I love you just the same:) It’s counter-culture and it’s fine to be that way. It’s better than fine–it’s what we’re called to be. If they haven’t thanked you yet, they will one day! God bless your family.

I feel like you are equating distance and barriers between people as being the fault of electronics not that of the people involved. Each member of my family spends at least 20 hours a week on our electronic devices, yet you will never meet a closer family who cheers each on for their individuality and encourages each in pursuing their unique dreams. That is not in spite of our electronics but because of them. I have a disablity in which a gentle hug often causes the need to scream. We game together and hang out through our xboxes. Our devices have also allowed us the maximum control over our ADHD and has increased our attention span.

I also notice that you feel memories can’t be made together on electronic devices. Some of our best memories have happened while we are on ours. It’s the doing things together not what we are doing that fosters closeness and memories.

I have the feeling you personally dislike electronic devices and so your bias against them pushes the cause of distance between people on the incorrect cause. It’s the attitude not the device that causes such distance.

Lastly, you equate eye contact with true connection. All the best people in my life have been met through electronic devices. By the time we’ve met in person we are all so intertwined in one another’s lives that it is a homecoming of sorts. I drove 3 hours to hang out with a friend from xbox this Memorial Day weekend. I was invited to just walk in upon arrival without knocking, an given free range as well. The house was still lived in and not cleaned just for my arrival. To any outsider you would assume we’d been friends forever and been together offline many times.

I do however appreciate your call for families to become closer and truly connect.

I read every word! I am thankful that my children were almost grown before they ever had a cell phone or computer of their own. We often played video games together when they were little, back in the ’80s. Mostly Mario Brothers 🙂 I didn’t permit any violent games at all!

I would like an article such as this one written from a 9th grade science teacher’s point of view because electronics have ruined so many of my students’ lives for school and probably for their home life and true social life as well!!

Thanks for sharing! I’m bookmarking for future reference!!

It never ceases to amaze me the way that God speaks to us, especially in our times of greatest need. Thank you for writing this. For teaching your boys this. For sharing it with others so we may get these reminders in life. I have been spending a lot of time trying to wrap my brain around filling those endless summer hours with my 6 and 9 YO daughters and this has reminded me that this summer is a gift. I GET to spend time with my girls and it IS a gift.

I was thinking on my way home from the rodeo the other night and got touched by the spirit, so I wrote it down.
It is just something to think about….
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bibles like we treat our cell phones.
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn’t live without it?
What if we gave them to kids as gifts?
What if we used it as we traveled?
What if we used it in case of an emergency?
Something to make you say hmmm, and where is my Bible?
God bless and keep sharing the Good News !!! ~ Cowboys4Christ 3/18/14

WOW! I have 4 boys and this is EXACTLY how I feel. Thank you SO much for posting this! I have never been able to put into words how I feel about my boys using electronics and all I do is say ‘no.’ Of course they never understand and so they just get upset. I feel so lost in our world because when my kids say “Well, so and so gets to…” they are RIGHT! I see SO many parents on their phones during games and programs that I literally interrupt their tech time when I see their child make an accomplishment…I’m saddened they were about to miss it! I also take all of my kids to watch their brothers games and again, they don’t understand why they have to be there. I feel empowered by your letter. THANK YOU!!

I have really enjoyed taking the time to read this article. You are absolutely right about showing our children moderation. Since the title is very gender specific, I feel it is acceptable to comment on our roles as fathers. Daddy’s support and example cannot be overlooked here. Our little guys need to see dad using his hands to understand what they (boys) should do with theirs. They observe and watch our every activity and this kinetic magnum opus is repeated over and over. The sanctity of this relationship is imperative and it cannot change as society continues to devalue fathers in the “Information Age”. Dads and sons need that shoulder to shoulder time to work on projects together and avoid tuning each other out between screens. When that precious time together presents itself, dad needs to resist the urge to be distracted by electronic interference. Cherish the Y chromosome in the home!

We also actively choose doctors that do not have television screens in the waiting area either. We even went to a vet once that told us that our twins were the only ones they’d seen in a long time that was wanting the books read to them from their bookshelf – our twins were 2 at the time – and they wanted all of them read. They are still like that even at age 3.5 We forbid TV and all screens except Skype to chat with their father if he is traveling on business.

You have written exactly how I feel about my kids and technology. For us, it is honoring God with the precious time He has given us. “Thou shall not steal” does not only mean not stealing material things from other people but also not stealing the precious resources that are given to us. Without sounding legalistic my 3 kids ages 8, 6, and 4 don’t play video games and watch only 20 minutes of TV a day. They do very well without electronics, their main toy of choice are pen and paper and books. They stay occupied by drawing, playing with each other, asking lots of questions, playing board games, building their own toys out of ordinary objects around the house. We have survived an 11 flight and an additional 8 hour lay over without any electronic devices. They are never bored and have learned to be productive without a lot of guidance from me.

We went through a time when my kids would turn on the TV first thing in the morning, I tried many ways to get them off the habit. It was easier to “pacify” them with the TV. We went through a whole year of de-programming. I started reading more to them, bought drawing books and origami books. We traded our old habits with the new ones until it became a lifestyle. They are a lot happier because they are being productive. Our rule on how to spend our time are: 1. doing something to grow spiritually 2. doing something for someone, 3. creating something with our hands or 4. doing something for our intellectual growth.

Before I had kids – I worked as a Software Developer for 11 years. I am not anti-technology but I know that they are designed as a productivity tool and never meant for entertainment. I did not touch a computer until I went to high school – our kids will learn technology with ease once they have developed the maturity and responsibility to handle it.

As a third grade teacher in NYC, I constantly am asked by children to bring in their electronic games for recess and for the school bus ride for a trip. When I say no, they always say, “But what are we going to do for the long ride or if there is traffic? Or I don’t like recess. Um how about talk to your buddy sitting next to you?? Look out the window at the sights??, or even rest or read a book. Elementary school children seem to have a huge problem managing their time without electronics. I hate to say that while some parents are waiting for report card conferences or meetings at school they are blatantly ignoring these same children as they are locked on their own phones. No one is perfect, I am guilty myself at times checking in with email, or posting a pic, but this is definitely something that needs more awareness. The effects….. Thank you for posting 🙂

I think this message could also go the other way… From Child to Parent – when the parent is always occupied with electronics instead of just spending quality moments which come and go too fast with their Precious Gifts from God…
Amen –

I agree with your sentiments about limiting the use of technology and how important it is to put it away so we can connect as families and be more aware about the world around us. However, your discussion loses much of its power when you start out with your examples of what all those “other” parents let their kids do. Making your point in your important message based on assumptions about the choices of others whom you have merely observed, perhaps only in passing, is divisive and judgmental, and leads others to also make judgmental comments about those “other” parents and kids. Can we not share our positive thoughts and ideas for healthy living without making negative comparisons to people who have made different choices?

My son is 26 and oh how I wish I would have read this years ago. We used the computer to help him with difficulties reading and spelling, and it awakened his voracious appetite for video games. While he doesn’t have an ipad or iphone, he does spend a great deal of time playing games rather than interacting with others. Your post applies to both girls and boys, however, and I hope others will reconsider how much technology takes away the joys of childhood and discovering how to play on one’s own and creating relationships with others. Great advice and hope others will find help in sharing with young parents and grandparents.

Wow, what power you have put into something this day & time that has overtaken not only kids, but adults too. How often do we go into a restaurant and all head’s are bowed, not praying, but focused in on Facebook in the middle of others lives rather than being focused on their own. I have made it a rule at my table, no phones allowed, at home or at the restaurant. I purposely leave my phone in the car, so that not even a distraction of a phone call interrupt our dinner conversation. My kids will sometimes complain when I have taken their phones. I just share with them, they were nonexistent when I was growing up. Then when I share where I lived, out in the country, I couldn’t even talk to friends except for 3 after school, b/c everyone was long distance. Even worse than that, we had a party line! Does anyone remember those days, sharing one line with 3 other house holds? I look back to those days which really weren’t that long ago. I didn’t even own an electronic anything except for a cassette player & calculator! We had to think, imagine & discover to do things that we made up out of what we had. Some of the best times was picking my grandpa’s huge garden, then sitting on the porch shelling & snapping beans, pulling husks from corn. Then the best rewarding thing when we were done, Grandpa would bring out a nice cold watermelon half and we would dig in! Where did all that time come from? It’s all you can do to just get by with the have to’s. I really miss those days, I truly believe the days get shorter with time. It’s such a fast paced world. I have twin daughters that will be graduating this Thursday. We have sar and looked at pictures, where did time go? They are graduating a year early, from hard work. They are graduating from our Church school. While I am so very proud of them & their accomplishments, it also saddens me, b/c they will beginning a new chapter in their lives, a year earlier than expected. I also have an eleven year old son. I hope I can take some of your thoughts and incorporate them with mine. Thank you so much for this letter. It is very touching & an eye opener. I think we as adults should take this and apply it to our lives as well. May God bless you : )

I truly applaud you! My husband and I raised four boys during the 80s when computers were just coming on the scene. Although they used them at school, they just weren’t that interested. They loved to play in the woods and on the mountains, camp, ride their bikes, and generally just loved being with each other and doing things they loved. To this day, they are all close and would stop anything to help each other. They are all fine young men with lovely wives and families and we couldn’t be more proud! I thank God for the opportunity to have that time with them. They all come home on a regular basis and we all still love having the time together. Stick to your guns Renee. You are a wonderful mother and those boys will be able to tell you in a meaningful way just how much that meant to them, and just how much they love you for it!!

Thank you.

Wonderful letter! I also limit my kids’ screen time, we play tic-tac-toe and do madlibs in restaurants and play 20 questions while we wait. We tell stories and jokes and talk about our days around our dinner table each evening. We teach our children manners and make them order for themselves in restaurants and talk on the phone to grandparents and use manners when speaking to us and each other at home. It is worth it… every time.

Has anyone seen the commercial by Verizon where the kids are being driven to their grandmothers house by their father and they look all sad in the back seat because grandmas house is boring. When they get there grandma surprisingly has for them an ipad, internet, games, etc.. By the time their father comes to pick them up they don’t want to leave. My point is that this problem is exacerbated by the big Companies that profit off these devices and services. I believe this is the trade-off for freedom. Only the smart ones make the differentiations.

Ma’am, this is phenomenal! I am a mother of three sons and a daughter – now grown, but we shared these values in our home when it was basically just television, computer games and videos which were the main craze. They did not have a phone until they were old enough to work and pay for their own. I admire your choice to build relationships. You are the kind of mom who will be successful in communicating with your children that their heavenly Father truly cares about a personal relationship. Keep up the tremendous parenting!

Sorry for the caps lock… didn’t realize it was on.

A friend passed this on to me and I can’t express how much it moved me. This is how I have always felt and live by. I have 3 boys and last night I told them to get in bed and I had something I wanted to share with them. I explained to them that I did not write this but this is exactly how I feel and I want you to listen like I wrote this to you guys. Thank you for writing it and me being able to share it with my boys.

It’s sad that today’s children don’t know how to “pretend.” Thank God I grew up in the late 40’s and 50’s when most Moms were at home and nobody worried about their kids being kidnapped–(an over-exaggerated topic with the news media these days, according to Dr. Rosemond!) Hooray for parents who are being parents instead of needlessly struggling to be “friends” with their children before they’re grown! Question: How do all these college students (?) have time to be making calls, playing games, watching TV, and texting when they should be studying like crazy?? Is it any wonder so many end up moving back in with Mom and Pop??

You so eloquently wrote what I feel so strongly. We also live this way and I KNOW in my heart it is the right thing. I am also impressed with the eloquence and grace that you have handled the comments here. Kudos!

I love this. I now know I am not alone in the eletronics struggle. I do set limits but we push the limits all the time. With summer being here there is a whole world to explore outside. I don’t want to keep my boys from exploring the world and all the things the Lord has placed into it. It really made me think I want to see there face when they see the new things for the first time. Thanks for posting!

Your post speaks so much to the reasons that we limit electronics. We have daughters and we want them to communicate with their parents (so we can really get to know them and enjoy them), and to communicate with others and grow healthy relationships and eye contact! We truly want to enjoy every moment with them – we see how time is fleeting. We want them to love reading and enjoy so much more that our World has to offer. Your post was beautifully written! These are exactly the kind of men that we want our girls to find! Thank you.

I wonder if our kids could send the same basic message to us. A lot of parents I see have THEIR noses in their phones checking Facebook, twitter, ESPN etc. Maybe as parents we are not modeling a technology interdependent existence. We yearn for a “like” of our kids pictures on Facebook or need to know the score of the game NOW as opposed to waiting an hour. And because of it, we bury our own heads in our phones hoping for some technology induced “hit” to help us along in our lives. Let’s be honest. What are we modeling?

Nice to know there other parents that feel that way. We have had rules and limits on technology use. Our kids have to earn time on ps3 or other devices. Reading, chores, etc. Working with children it is sad to see the disconnect to others because of technology use. Stained relationships, no communication skills, and lack of interest in other things. Being bored is a part of life. Imagination is lacking in too many children today.

My sister shared this with me as she is two months away from having her first child. This is something she feels very strongly about and I have to say I agree. I am only 24 yrs old and not yet a mother but I was raised with minimal electronics and my ability to imagine and entertain myself flourished. Without those experiences as a kid, I would never have come out of my shell and become engaging with people. I plan to raise my children the same way, hopefully giving them a thirst for knowledge and experiencing reality and life around them. Thank you for so eloquently voicing what many people feel and providing an example to help explain what some of us struggle to put into words for our children, friends, and others.

I agree with your sentiment. In that, children (and some adults) spend two much screen time and not enough face-to-face time. But, also think that there can be an appropriate balance between the screen time and real world time. If, for instance you are at the 2hr baseball practice and the brother would like to play while they are doing calisthenics or conditioning drills… (or driving across Kansas!) fine But, when game is on – nose out of the screen (or book). Witness the moment when Bro hit the homer, caught the winning pop-fly… or struck out – swinging or… missed catching the ball. Both the triumphs and defeats. I agree with the need to be alone with your own thoughts. To develop the necessary concept of ‘self’, the skills to think through a problem, or even to daydream. But, there is also a need to be entertained. In short, there needs to be an appropriate balance between the two.

I have a follow-up question – that maybe you could answer. So, when *do* you feel it is appropriate to allow them distractions and entertainment? I’m just asking to find out where you feel the balance lies.

Thanks

FredInIT

As a school based OT I am so heartened to see your note!!! All our children do not need to be zombis to electronics to let us do our work or eat dinner in peace. I see some of the after effects all the time in school!

Thanks for sharing for loving your boys by making limits. Thanks for your example and inspiration to remind us why it is worth it to make unpopular choices for our kids. Thanks for reminding us of all we are missing out on when we allow so much screen time.

Awesome! We limit screen time, but it’s so easy to fall into the trap of allowing technology be a babysitter. My 10 yr. old son struggles with not being allowed to watch all the movies and games his peers do. I printed your letter out for him to read, and for us to have on hand whenever we need a reminder. Some of our pastimes are reading books, learning to do household chores, playing hands on games, and just good ‘ol outdoor play weather permitting. And shopping together can be very educational. 😉 Thanks for sharing!

I am that mom as well with my kids ages 10 and 11. We had pleasant surprise from a stranger the other night. Just as we were finishing dinner at a local restaurant, a lady at a nearby table came over and laid down a ten dollar bill. She complemented our family for not having any personal devises while we had been in the restaurant. She told us to keep up the good work and left. I say the same to you!

I feel so relieved! I thought I was one of very few in the word who totally limit their kids device/computer time. My eldest has a DS but very rarely asks to play it and when she does it’s limited. My 4yo like to pretend she has one. Car trips under 4 hours are managed with toys, crayons and paper. Over 4 hours I bring the portable DVD player. Drive me CRAZY when I see people going to the grocery store and their kids need to watch a movie for the 5 minute drive. Both my kids are very capable of amusing themselves. My eldest draws beautifully and creates amazing Lego pieces, if she spent her time on a device she would not have learned to love these things. My 4yo loves to “read” and tells amazing stories. Also drives me nuts when I see a mom/dad pushing their child in a stroller or at the park and devoting all their time to their phone. My time with my kids is limited and I want it to be quality. We eat dinner together, we talk, we sing, we play outside (GASP!). Love that I am not the oddity I thought I was!!!

Love your words of wisdom, which are so in-line with our efforts to keep childhood REAL! We advocate for face-to-face and eye-to-eye and heart-to-heart . . . in our parenting guides including the latest, “Face to Face: Cultivating Kids’ Social Lives in Today’s Digital World.” Wish we could have included your lovely letter to your boys in the book; it would have been a perfect match! Thank you for the good work you do in the world!

It’s really good to know the true reasons for saying no to electronics….. i’m gonna be a father soon and honestly i’ll be applying this to my kid at home. Need to have some limit in using. Thank you for inspiring us thru your lovely writing

Rennee,
Thank you for having the courage to be different and to teach your children that being different can be a great thing. I have three boys from 11 – 20. We have youth over all the time whose noses are often in their phones even though their friends are sitting all around them! We have tried to be different with when we allow our boys to have a smart phone for many of the reasons stated by you and others. Our oldest got one at the end of high school. Our middle one just finished his junior year and is really pushing for one. Even all of our 6th grader’s friends have them. I like your reminders of your rules of use rather than saying no all together especially with summer now here. We recently moved our 6th graders Xbox time to the end of the day instead of off and on all day and what a difference it has made in how he acts, plays, and responds. I need to remotivate myself because it is hard to take a stand and hard to enforce limits and be ok with boredom. I also need to be a better example with my own phone! Thank you for the reminders! My boys have often felt they’re the only ones without a device in their hands and it’s good to know others feel the same!
Cathy

My kids get so angry at me when I will not allow electronics at their siblings sports games or at doctors offices or at family meals out. You are so right. I am glad their are other parents who feel the same way. Thank you for this article.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! I am so happy that I am not the only mother that say’s NO to electronics. My son is only 11 and he tells me that all his friends are plugged in, all the time. I can’t stand it and I refuse to give in. I can’t wait to share this letter with him. You have put all my feelings in words and I hope that by reading this, he will understand. At least a little.
Thank you again!!!

I thank you for this, teaching your children respect and socialization. Parenting is not for the weak. The horror of seeing a father out to dinner with his two young children (about 10 & 12), who both had on headphones while watching a movie on their individual i-pads at the table, was confirming enough of my choices in limiting my 4 children and their electronics.

I believe in balance. I believe in family value and choice. All families are different which is what makes this a wonderful place. I also believe that judging another is not okay. I have children ranging in age of 27 to 13. My 13 year old has been more exposed to this new electronic tech world. She has things her siblings didnt have at their age because of this and our financial situation being able to afford it. We has been taught balance. Academically she is thriving, give 100% plus some, she holds a job working for friends of the family, she shows respect to her family, friends, teachers, ect. She plays on her phone, uses it to call people, reads from her nook, goes out and plays outside like I did when I was a kid, sits and has conversations with us at dinner. She recently made a decision to close down all her social media ~ including texting because she has had some issues with some kids not being so nice to her ~ she thinks that plays a role in it ~ being so easy to hide behind a screen. I was and am so very proud of her for being able to make this hard decision at this age of peer pressure.
What I am saying with all this to those saying no tech is the way to a perfectly rounded family is the way to go ~ and the rest of us who choice to have it are not doing the best at our parenting skills ~ you are wrong. I am with the crowd of those saying find balance, know when to say no, and when to say yes. And allow the child to have some choice. Renee I know you are not saying no electronics ~ This more goes out to those saying their way is the correct way to raise a child. Their childhood does go quickly ~ so to enjoy them while they are young is precious. To not have their face hidden in a screen is important. Having family guidelines is important. Being their for our children is important. Balance…….Is important.

Amen. Just out of curiosity, how old are your boys? When do you allow them to go TV/Games/etc.?

I did an experiment with my 4 year old a few months back, and was shocked at the difference one week without TV made. It was really eye- opening, and I felt like I got my sweet innocent boy back, after months of struggle… and almost immediately. (I posted my experience and story about it here, http://www.chroniclesofmomia.com/category/parenting-lessons/my-tv-ditching-experiment/ … because I was so surprised with how dramatic of a change it was. My sister did the same thing with her kiddos and had the same result.
But still … it is nice to be able to put something on for the kiddos every once in a while… so I’ve swung both ways with this … but feel like with all things, there is a middle ground, not a legalistic forbidding of TV, but something that is there, but we’re “not being mastered by it”… it seemed like you alluded to that … so I was just curious where games / TV Shows / electronics etc fit into your day / life with your boys?

THANK YOU! This is EXACTLY what I’ve been feeling, and is keep trying to explain to my son, every time he balks at me limiting his screen time, I can go blue in the face talking about the damage it’s doing to his brain with its short term rewards, or the addictive properties of video games, etc…,but it boils down to my desire to LIVE these years with him, to grow plants together, and talk about life, and build things together, and share this short time we have together,

I raised my kids in the 80’s like one of the other mom’s. We chose not to allow the kids to have TV’s, phones ( land line) or computers in their rooms. If they needed to use any of these items, it was the one the whole family used, in the family living room.
The bigger problem today is the parents have their faces in the phones rather than being with their kids.
I remember one time, my daughter was at band practice, and my two sons and I were waiting in the school parking lot for her to finish. Their entertainment was playing cup ball in the parking lot while we waited. We landed up haveing to go to the doctor for stitches, but the whole remembered experience was better than if I had tried to force them to stay in the van.
I am glad there are still parents who realize the importance of engaging and actually raising their kids.

Sheryl, it is going to harder before it gets better, 11 -14 is the hardest. Kids can’t see the forest from the trees. HANG TOUGH!!!! Someday he’ll thank you….mine did. Mother of 6 sons, 31,-14

I totally agree with you. You are soooo right! My son in law works for EA creating all these games the kids love so much nowadays and he is the first not to let my grandson to be playing with the. iPhone, ipad, etc, also his tv time is very limited. He knows how addictive and harmfull the electronics games can be. He knows how much time they take from the lives of the kids today. In good dosages they are interesting and stimulating but there are so many other things for kids to do, electronics could be just a small part of their lives. Congrats on your beautiful letter.

Thanks for sharing this and letting me know that I am NOT the only one that feels like this. I could have written your letter (well, perhaps not so elegantly). Thanks for your conviction and sharing!

I haven’t read all 300+ comments but I did feel somewhat judged by most of what I did read. Yup, we are that family who’s kids waiting for food are playing iPads, my boy plays it when he is waiting on his sister to be done with dance class and yes even at the recital although he did have to put it away for his sisters dance. My girl doesn’t play nearly the same amount of time but she does use it to fill time when she has to wait. I much prefer that over a temper tantrum. Here is what people can’t see. My son has Autism. He is bright and verbal and very much able to participate in life but he still has struggles. Loud places are hard for him so often if we are where it is loud and busy he is playing an electronic of some kind. We occasionally go to NBA games and yes, even there he will often “check out” for a while. Doing this allows us to all participate in activities as a family while balancing his individual needs. He often socializes through apps on his ipad. He and his sister have been playing a ton of minecraft. They talk together about what they are building, where to go and what to do next. They interact far more through this electronic app then any other activity we have found. My only point here is to not assume that when you see a child out and about when an electronic device that the parents don’t want to interact with them or want them to experence life. Sometimes allowing the electronic ALLOWS the parent to connect with their child and have the child participate in activities they wouldn’t otherwise be able to take part in.

Love this! Very well written! I couldn’t agree more. Thank you for writing this!

The general message, although a little judgemental, is nice.
I’ve raised my kids not to rely on electronics as a constant in their lives. I assume most involved parents do the same.
No one told me to do this. It’s just common sense.

I agree dinner time is a special time for the family to get together and be as one. We need to value our time as a family and not divide it up by individuals isolating themselves while hiding their faces in a screen during dinner. Studies have shown the benefits of family dinner time for kids. hasbehttp://theyouthculturereport.com/?s=dinner

I am a grandmother now with eleven grandchildren. When my youngest child was nine years old we got our first computer and the computer games — very primitive. I remember so well thanking God that I had nine years with my youngest before this happened. I had trouble controlling computer usage then. I can only imagine the difficulty now with so many devices. I see my grandchildren (not all of them) with something in their hands most of the time. Thank you for the reminder that there is a better life to be lived than the one with a device in our hands or a screen in our face.

Renee,
I applaud and concur with your concerns. I am so happy you voiced them as well! I am a 30-yr old Navy Vet who was raised in the time when families would sit down together and pray before the meal and there was no TV or radio in the dining room… Cell phones were non-existent or too expensive(they still are). And it was exactly that, Family Time! Talk about how school went, what did we learn, yes, parents truly knew their kids back then. Now, iPads, tablets, tv’s and cell phones are cheap babysitters and just keep their kid’s mouths shut! So, so sad, these broken homes from the inside-out basically restricting children at a young age from learning empathy, love, compassion and just how to listen… Pray for our youth and continue to be the voice proclaiming truth! Mark McDonald

Thank you soooo much. I will translate that for my children. Well written, better than I could express it.
It strengthens me to know that I´m not the only one fighting this fight every day.

Raising my 3 year old son in the exact same way, and I completely agree! Thus far it has been that big of a deal, I don’t think my son has really noticed all that much, I’m sure that will change as he gets older though. The single thing he loves to do most is get outside and play (which makes this mom very very happy), when we go on car rides he notices the scenery, the trucks on the road and the world around him. When we go to the store he takes his little shopping cart and shops right along with me, when we go to the restaurant I’m probably the only parent there who packs up a box of matchbox cars, stickers and crayons. One of the things I love most is when a child his age who is waiting with his I-Pad, notices that my son is playing with his waiting toy and puts the I-Pad down to join him. More often than not it’s the parents who are astonishing that their child was interested in such toys and that they actually held their attention and interest for the long wait. Those are my shining moments. I have found other parents excuses for consuming their children with technology to be ridiculous and without merit. Even though my 3 year old has been extremely limited in his technology use he can still work my husbands smart phone when given the opportunity, the same with the computer, he also knows how to use the credit card machine at the store and a million other devices simply because they are a part of society a part of his world. I’m not worried in the least that he will be technology illiterate because I didn’t let him play video games. I’ve already seen the result of those children who have been consumed by it and frankly it’s a depressing future. Technology is a tool nothing more, it shouldn’t be life.

Beautifully said, and appropriate for all ages. Thank you!

Can you please contact me. I am a literary agent and would like to speak to you. Thanks. Awesome letter!!

Thanks for sharing!! This is the best letter I have read for long time. Please keep sharing.

shahin

Great post. myself and my siblings were brought up with a limit on TV, of course there were no such things as cell phones back then. I agree with what your post with one HUGE exception. ” I welcome all comments, but if you plan to comment in a negative or nasty way, it will be discarded.” You welcomes ALL comments, hardly. I can certainly understand deleting a “nasty” comment but to delete one which is negative towards your point of view, or that you disagree with, well, in my opinion that is just wrong.

Renee, Thank you. you are one of the few moms I have seen that does not shove a toy / tech junk into her child’s hands to have ” Me Time”. As a family we see the disconnect in families all around us. It sometimes is frightening to me. Celebrate every moment with your kids! I do and I know I will never lookover my should and say “If only” I should of”
Thank you Lord for your blessings you give us everyday through our families!

As Dory asked Nemo “Are you my conscious?” I am printing this out and giving this to my children! Are you the fly on MY wall! You and I-Parents with guts! Love it!

Renee, SMALL WORLD! Just saw this on a friend’s FB page from Evansville, IN. I immediately came here to read what you wrote. Congrats on your success and how God has and is blessing you! Totally agree on your take on electronics and am raising my kids the same in this regard! Hi to the family! All the best- Gwen

I thought most educated folks would know that the AAP recommends against ANY screens before 2 yrs old. It astonishes me every time when parents/friends try to calm their small child with a screen.

First, let me dry my tears! Now, I’d never imagine in this day & age , I’d hear another mother with the same values, thoughts , desires & true love for their children, to not be afraid nor ashamed to go against “society”, just because that’s what so many parents do!
I applaud you and 100% agree with Every word you wrote. My son’s are both adults now, and I’m 53 years young :). Yet, when I took my younger son out to eat every 2 wks on payday, he simply knew to turn his cell phone off the minute we arrived to the restaurant! !!!! I can even remember one time he slipped up and forgot, and received a text message from a friend. He automatically
picked up the phone and replied. Then, it was at that moment, he looked up, realizing what he had done, by the mear look on my face. Before I could even comment, he looked me right in the eyes and said, ” I’m sorry mom, I forgot to turn off my phone, & out of habit I text my friend back”.
It was at that moment, I knew I had done something right! We don’t have to allow our children to do things, just because, like I dreadfully hear from so many parents then and today, “That’s just how kids are today”! Nothing irritates me more then to hear that. I say and Believe, it’s called laziness & selfishness on the side of some parents today! !!!!!!!!
I thank you for writing this, and moreso for sharing it with us all! Obviously it was eloquently written, but more importantly, shows, as I do also, how much you truly LOVE your children. I have no regrets that I did the same thing. Mainly because my youngest son, in his 4th year in college, told me that he was not only happy with his life, but also happy with the person he’s become and said, ” Mom, I know it’s mainly because of you”.
I’m so blessed to have heard those words, that despite being recently diagnosed with cancer, even if I left this Earth tomorrow, I’ll know my most important job was done right! It wasn’t becoming an RN at 43, or all the lives I may have saved, it’s the lives I created that are what I consider my best accomplishment and lasting legacy! !!!!
With much respect and gratitude,
Barb Choma

Hi Renee, I was so encouraged to read your article. I have purposefully restricted screen time for my children since they were very little as I recognised the dangers. They do watch movies and have time for games but it is la set amount during the week. I have one son and two daughters, my son is nearly 10 and it has got increasingly harder to manage the strong draw and pull to computer games for him. My daughters are younger but I think it is not going to be such an issue for them somehow. I think the effect of screen time is one of the greatest challenges in parenting today. I see through my work some of the the effects that excessive computer games have on teenagers on their mental health and functioning and it is so scary. Thankyou for writing this, it has encouraged me and helped me try and maintain boundaries to protect my son. To know there are other Mothers out there who also recognise these dangers and can communicate them is so encouraging to me

I also agree with Beth. I am a mother of twin 3 year olds. Even though times are chaotic, I enjoy every second with them (as you do with your kids, Renee) . I do crafts with them everyday. We experiment in the kitchen. I am a stay -at-home mom but I don’t have any help and my husband works late hours so sometimes I let them play with their Leap Pads while I cook their dinner. I find it more interactive and use of their brains then just TV. Also, it is the type of thing where if they are occupied I have the time to cook them a healthy meal rather then getting fast food or making something frozen.

I think I dine out 2x a month with them and my husband just because it is tough to keep them entertained long so I do let them play with their leap pads so I can actually enjoy my meal and not inhale it. They are at that age where they are not going to sit and wait for us to finish our meal. I am sure when they get older it will be a different story and I will want to have more of family conversations. But for now them playing on their Leap pads for 20 minutes 2x a day gives me a break so I don’t go bonkers and lose my patience with them. I am home alone with them from 7am til 9pm and if I don’t take care of me sometimes with a break I wont be able to take care of them. I think if you just spent 3 hours playing with your kid and you both need a 20 minute break to go on the computer it is OK.

As you see I keep on mentioned Leap Pads because I did not get them ipads or any tablet yet. They can’t get online with what they have but many 3 yr olds or even younger kids do. That I feel is too much. I don’t even want one myself because all I see at playgrounds today are parents texting or on their tablets as their kids are climbing up slides! The parents need the limit and control too. Kids follow what their parents do.

The key to most of anything is moderation. And in the case for tablets and smart phones what is right all depends on the childs age and what you are using it for and the time limit. US parents too have to let go of our phones and Facebook postings and actually spend time with our kids too!

Thats really not fair to her since she was not attacking anyone. This was to her children not to you or anyone else. Its okay for people to feel like they have someone understand how they feel since so much of us who did respond most likely feel we are going completely opposite what the world is doing and this is normally the response we get from the people around us. We should be respectful of other people’s wants in their own lives and I think she was very well respectful.

Beautiful. I would like to add this…I am an older person who does not feel the need to be constantly connected to folks with electronics. I absolutely hate it when at our family functions everyone, children and adults are all on their devices….i believe this to be the height of rudeness. I think that if they do not want to communicate with me I will leave!

Excellent letter! Beautiful and true! Thank you for saying this! Much needed in this world!

Im a son that just read this and had NO idea that’s how moms felt. I’m just about to put my IPad down and go talk to her and see how her days been.

LOVE your heart here. It’s so beautiful and so needed in this world. I admit I didn’t read all of the comments.. so maybe this has been addressed.. but I do want to be the voice who says this-
My three sons are all at different places on the autism spectrum. We play HARD at home. Outside and inside. My boys are imaginative, creative, and full of energy… but they go to many doctor appointments and sometimes the anxiety is high. Often the DS at the waiting room is the only thing keeping them from total meltdown, and often it’s the first time they’ve held their DS since the last appt. For our family, that DS Mario game helps keep boys who are terrified, focused on something outside of themselves in order to keep them calm for an evaluation. They rarely play them at home, and never in the car. While I know we aren’t the ‘norm’, I do want to throw our situation out there.. you never know what you are looking at when you see what you think you see. 🙂

This may sound odd but I don’t have children, yet I can relate to this post. I recently wrote a blog (sewwritebrained@blogspot.com) about women and how much we are bombarded by advertisements on television, movies, etc. It’s disheartening, to think how much time we spend on electronics. It really does shape who we are and what we become. Recently, I’ve limited my television and movie watching to a minimum because I know it can cause me to stumble in many ways. I don’t get on Facebook often, but when I do, I realize that it “sucks” too much valuable time out of my precious day that I could be doing other things. Many days, I decide not to get on it at all. Thank you for you blog, I really enjoyed reading it and will definitely think about this in the future when I have children.

I have to say we couldn’t agree more! Before we had kids, a nephew of mine made such an impression on me. When getting into their car to leave a family function, he immediately plugged in. And he couldn’t look up to tell me goodbye, and could hardly even recognize that I was talking to him. He was 4-5 years old. I remember telling my wife that it seemed electronics turned kids into zombies. Not far off? To this day we still limit our kids to 30 minutes per day. I have to also say, however, this was easier enforced when there were just two kids. With four the need for some quiet time or to sate the twins at an older kids’ sporting event has increased. While we still find ourselves saying ‘no’ all the time, we also find ourselves saying ‘yes’ more often as well. New inspiration lies within your letter. Thank you!!!

This is amazing, moms and dads alike need to read this. I teared up just thinking about how quickly all of this will go by. My son is only two but I can’t wait to continue this amazing journey with him and know it will go by in the blink of an eye. Thanks for not only your advice but words of encouragement to parents. Amazing read!

Thank you for sharing.

Beautiful letter. I felt like it could also be titled “A letter to Mommy from my son”. How many times to my kids have I said, “Wait til I send this text, read this blog, check this site…”. My kids are 4&2 and I’ve continuously heard to put the electronic s away but never with the reasons you eloquently stated. I know that to teach this I must also do it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I totally agree that phones and the like should be kept away from the table. I like that you don’t let your boys use them at other events, too. If families interacted more there would be more awareness of what is going on. My nephew just started dating a very nice girl and she hates when he has his phone out all the time. The other day she told him he could put the phone away, she was there now! Wake up people; we do want to see your eyes and hear your voice!!

I am a primary school teacher in South Africa, and I have some of the same problems as you, Christie. I think lack of manners is to do with parents’ lack of responsibility, though – not directly with technology usage.

Beautifully said. I have four boys, one who just recently moved out on his own, and I still speak to him about electronic usage, and the “real world”. They get so frustrated when I end their time on their devices. I wish I could have read this to him a few years ago in entirety, although I mentioned many of these things in conversation, on multiple occasions. I do believe it’s become an epidemic. As parents, we have to step up and step out. I love this quote :”What’s right, is not always popular, and what’s popular is not always right.” We have the ability to make a change, and we should!

THANK YOU, Renee, for articulating this EXACTLY as I feel. Copying and sending to my boy and my girl. <3

Hello, May I print this??? My pastor would love this. As a single parent of 2 little girls I find it hard to entertain them and get my work done so I started having then work along side me here in our house but I cleaning for other people and am always afraid to have them help me for fear the will break something so its a hard balance. If I put them to a sitter then I will miss them anyway. But I refuse to put games on my phone because of this issue. It could be so easy to just let them play to there hearts content. But I want my children to explore and play in the dirt as much as possible. Thanks so much for this encouragement. If are ok with me printing this for my pastor to read email it to me in a PDF if possible. Thanks again God Bless, Mattie

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Beautifully said. I have been seeing how much we miss out together for awhile now. My kids sit in their rooms with their own tv and I-pods. It is so quiet in the living room, sometimes now. I do tell them not when we are eating meals. and have expressed how much they are in their rooms, on their electronics. They will do good for awhile interactive with us. And then get busy in their rooms again. Satan sure knew what to do to separate families, but we are working on these issues. I love family time. Thanks for sharing.

I like this article because it articulated my feelings on the subject and helped solidify my stance.
At the dr’s office the other day a little boy on his ipad was watching a show. My son came up to me, tapped me on the shoulder and asked if he could get an ipad for his birthday (which is coming up soon). I told him he could get an ipad when he grows up, gets a job and buys one. I don’t know where that came from really because I, until now, hadn’t actually set in stone a family policy on electronics. Both my husband and I have discussed the effects it has on the company we’ve had over. Kid’s we’ve watched grow up over the years come over to visit and now don’t say 2 words to you but just sit and push button or stare at a screen.
I guess I should say thanks for writing it and I am grateful but I guess it means that mommy doesn’t get a cool ipad either. boo.. for now…

You live the courageously your values in the face of a lot of pressure to conform. That may be the best gift you give your boys. My wife and I have raised three boys that are now on their own. We are so glad we stood firm even when others did not understand and even criticized. With your permission I will share your letter with the parents of my congregation in Santiago, Chile, South America.

I’m also raising my kids to write blogs about raising kids without blogs!
Woot!

This is so well said. Every single word is so positive and nurturing. In just one little but really important part of your letter, you are taking responsibility for raising gentlemen who can communicate with people intelligently and confidently, look them in the eye, and really exchange thoughts with them. This is exactly what so many of our young people are missing today. They have literally either lost or never developed the ability to communicate on a personal, human level. That scares me more for them than it does for me. Thank you for publishing this for us to see.

This letter is not just for parents. For all of us without children, but hold the ones in our lives very dear, thank you for enlightening us.

I feel horrible! I give my “nephew” my tablet all the time so he can play games. What was I thinking?! As an Auntie it is God given right to give him treats, but not to take to take away from his wonderment at the world.

I will still let him play games, but I will be more careful about how and when I let him play.

Thanks so much Renee.

About four years ago my wife and I decided to deny out children TV from Monday to Friday. We found that as soon as it was switched on they became oblivious to everything and everyone around them: slack-jawed, goggle-eyed zombies. Everything you talked about in your letter was true. Once we enforced the rule they complained for about a day then simply got on and did other things. We found we had to play with them more (I say “we had to” because at first it felt like a small effort for us, too, especially at the end of a long day at work). But after about a week it became something we all really looked forward to at the end of each day. Now we play games, read books, TALK about stuff, roll around tickling etc (the kids are only 9 and 7) … and it’s marvellous. It is like they came back to us.

We love TV, don’t get me wrong. The kids have ‘movie night’ every Friday, where they get to watch a movie of their choice. If we are home we all watch together. And that’s it. The only TV they get. No ads, no rubbish, no ridiculous gawping at the screen just because it is on. I sometimes think my wife and I should follow their example. Let me rephrase that: I know we should.

As for iPhones and all: the kids have a bit of computer time during the week, mostly at school. And because they are not in the habit of needing the screen to amuse them they don’t look for it. My son is usually engrossed in a book (he was recently assessed as having a ‘reading age’ of 15), and my daughter wants to write, draw and do rainbow loom. When my son developed a screaming headache after 12 straight hours of playing computer games (we were on a long-haul flight and kind of loosened the rules a bit), we both thought it was a blessing in disguise. He hasn’t done that since.

Thank you.

I couldn’t agree more and I’m blessed my 7 & 10 year old daughters understand. We had a lunch date with some of their friends and their friends were on electronics the entire time!! They would try to offer it to my girls to play but I told them they were still not allowed to do so. The other mother finally took them away….briefly before the children took them back. We also went to the park and they brought the electronic device to that too. Really validated my point on why my girls can use computers for education or an hour a week for educational games.

I do agree with the thoughts in this piece and I do try to limit my childrens screen time. However, I will say that as a mother with two young boys with Austim, there are times when my childrens use of electronic devices is a life saver for me. At resturants, it give my husband and I a chance for a quiet family meal instead of having to jump up and run after our 7 year old nonverbal son who would running around bouncing off the walls, making a scene. I also use the DS to keep him entertained while his father preaches in church on Sunday mornings. During the day, the gaming system or a movie gives me time to clean the house or make a phone call. I applaude your letter and efforts. Just please remember that not everyone’s children are “normal” (whatever that is) and some of us use these devices to cope with the unique challenges of raising a child who needs more from us.

You are a true gift as a parent.

Awesome! Very well written and so very important. I am 61 and didn’t grow up with this electronic stuff. But, my job put me in the position of using it, at least to some extent. No problem with that. Internet is a very useful resource. But, it is so very easy to become addicted! Ask me how I know. I like solitare and pintrest way too well. And they eat up so many hours. Hours that not only could but really should be spent doing something real! They also eat up hours that should be spent sleeping. And I am 61, I am no teenager!

Thank you so much for your article. I intend to use it to remind me to limit myself. Incidentally, I have no children. I’m sure it is difficult to be a good role model. Congratulations to you!

Bravo…… love it and it’s how we feel (yes our kids have electronics @ home and so do we and sometimes they get the better of us (to much screen time) but we also put limits (trying harder everyday) dinner time is no screen (no phones, ipaps, kindles etc). Out shopping or out for dinner (those kindles stay @ home) our cell phones stay in our pockets/purses mainly because we have family/parents who live far and emergencies do happen. (our kids only have one cell phone they share when one or the other is at a sleepover or friends house (mainly for our peace of mind).
I think it’s sad too when I see a group of people (family or friends) and everyone is looking a their screen (I see this even at the pool & beach) . I even saw this in our recent trip to Jamaica (yeah, staring at the phone instead of enjoying the views and the people)
While I am grateful for technology sometimes I fear for us and what we will become as a society if we don’t put some controls in place. Thank you for this reminder (i’m off)

You are so right and will never be sorry. Love and affection get stronger by real and constant communication. Technology has made that impossible. Congratulations from a lady from Honduras, Central America. Nowadays children and adults walk immersed in their IPhones and IPads all the time all over the world, rich or poor.

This is WONDERFUL! My son is 24, and told me recently that he’d love to be able to go back to the last time we took a “family” beach trip and THIS time choose to walk on the beach with me rather than stay in the room and play on his Gameboy! I said, “I tried to tell you what you were missing!” Fortunately, I did “force” him at times, and he ended up enjoying it – even sang songs for me while we walked – memories that will stay with me forever!

As a fourth grade teacher just completing her 20th year in the system, i have seen learning evolve. Teachers have had to change to meet the technology needs of students based on societal changes. I only have 5 Ipads for student use. I had to enforce the rule o research and assignments from me vs. giving an ipad out to busy a student group. Students began asking me to have an ipad when they completed regular class work. Often they rushed the work thinking the ipad was the reward. I had to change that mind set instantly. The class had to learn that the ipad did not become a toy for learning I also learned I had to monitor the sites that they were allowed to.

Renee, I applaud you for such a wonderful treasure you are giving your sons. Nothing frustrates me more than to be in the company of my son, nieces, nephews and sister who do nothing but text while we are together. My son,( he is 20) recently posted a video on his facebook page (he doesn’t go on facebook much) that was very much about what you have written to your sons only it was done video style. I have been telling him for years just how much he is missing out on by needing that phone with him constantly and how unaware it makes him to the world around him while texting in the company of others. I was pleasantly surprised by his post because it made me feel like finally he is starting to get it. I make a conscious decision to leave my phone in the car while I’m in the company of others and I have been trying to get him to understand this as well. Machines can wait,they’re not going anywhere, people should never have to wait for a machine. Any missed opportunity with someone you love may be an opportunity you may regret while ignoring them while in their company over a text that will still be there when your alone. Hats off to you mom!!!!

So Beautifully stated. You are the kind of family that I would love to have living next door!

Hooray! I’m not alone. It is good to know that there are other moms who don’t just hand over a phone all the time. 🙂 Let’s read! Let’s play! Let’s watch the practice! Let’s run around. I know that it is harder (believe me I know too!) I have four boys 2, 4, 6,8 and a new baby but it is important to be with them, listen to them, play with them, talk to them! I agree with you! We still have video games in our house but time is earned and we play together. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

What a wonderful letter. I just printed off 4 copies and placed it on my children’s beds. This is what I tell them all the time……many days I feel like the only parent around to limit electronic access. Even at family events….I am amazed how an entire table of young kids are glued to their phones and my children seem so lost with nothing to do. Many times, I go up and say something jokingly to these kids and they look at me like I’m the one with “no clue”. Thanks for the support of knowing I’m not the only one out there being the “mean mom without a clue”. This is why I CHOOSE not to give my children any type of smart phones even through everyone has one. My response: Get over it….you are not having one!

Hello Renee, greetings to you and your family including your wonderful boys, in the name of our Father in Heaven and our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
Amazing! This is the only word that comes to mind off the bat regarding your wonderfully sincere, unconditionally love filled letter to your boys. I see this letter as not only for your boys, but for every parant with children younger than 10 years old. As a weapon from God to be used in conjunction with the Truth that is His written word (Jesus Christ).
We have a two year old son, Joshua, who when he sees us on our phones or laptop, automatically wants to be involved. I believe that we as parents need to set the example that we want our children to live by; and for me that example is my hero Jesus Christ. So my thinking needs to be like Jesus in the way that I bring my little gift from God up.
So what do I believe Jesus would do when it comes to kids and technology? LIMIT their time on these devices to a certain amount of time each day and monitor not only the time limit, but the content they are looking at games they are playing. Having at least 2 to 3 days completely tech free where possible.
Once again thank you sister Renee, for this wonderful sharing of this letter with all of us here, including my wife Roneeta Chand.

Yours sincerely,
Darryl Chand
Melbourne, Australia

Renee,
Thanks so much for sharing your letter. As a mother of an 18 year old son, recently graduated and headed to college, I can truly testify that you won’t regret it. To have a son who can have a face to face conversation with people, give a smile, say thank you and call (or text) me and tell me he loves me, I know you are “spot on”. This world is full of “stuff and things” that constantly grab at our ability to be a human. May God richly bless you and your family. Your efforts will not be in vain.

Mary

Well written, and certainly pulls the heart-strings of any parent, but there’s a lot of information left out here, to be honest. I read it twice, and don’t really know how old these kids are. Elementary school? Then this letter is perfect. High school? Not so much. My high school daughters have iphones. They are not allowed to bring them to dinner. And we ask them to put them away during certain events (and the do, though sometimes with some disagreement). But, with those iphones, they stay in contact with their cousins in other states on a daily basis. I couldn’t do that when I was growing up. They also have a circle of friends that extends to other countries – something that was not possible for me when I was growing up. I loved the sentiment of this article, but what I didn’t like was that this article assumes that there is nothing of positive value that comes from our online networking. I mean, how would we have even been able to read this article without the use of the technology this article rejects. So, I have some disagreement – I hope it’s not seen as being negative. Certainly, that’s not my intent.

Ok I read this and it bothered me. 1) I’m a good mom and I allow my kid to play on iPod, iPads and even my iPhone. But in no way do I feel it’s because I’m lazy or anything else. When we are in the store or dr office or out eating it’s not because I want to hush them or not that I don’t want want a conversation it’s because I’m usually ready to get back to whatever we were doing at home. Catching frogs, grasshopper, lighting bugs ect… And at the dr it because when we go to the dr it’s cause they are sick and don’t want to play and it keeps them from remembering how bad they hurt or it’s respect for others in the office that don’t feel good. I feel the people who judge often do to quickly. My time spent outside of our home is maybe an hour or 2 a day and the other time is spent playing ball, catching critters, playing farming with our toys and sleep. We have an xbox and it gets used when nieces and nephews are over. So when I read articles like this I understand it’s 1 moms outlook but look at it through out point of views. In a technical world not all moms fall into it just because that’s what you see in public that’s just a small part of lives.

This is such a beautiful letter. I am a parent of a 22-month old son and I also have the same thoughts with you in using too much electronic gadgets at home. Setting limits are important and I believe your words are powerful and inspiring! Thank you and God bless

I am the mother of a 15 and 20 year old AND a high school teacher. I can’t express how important it is to our society to teach our young people how to disconnect. Our youth are losing the ability to communicate with each other face-to-face; in fact, I have built this skill into my lessons at least three times each week. Simple things like how to shake someone’s hand, how to look people in the eye when talking, body language, etc. Thank you, as a mom and teacher, for taking time to share your thoughts about teaching our young people how to enjoy life without the pull of a device. Best and blessings to you!

We allow our kids to enjoy video games in the summer time just about every day. They spend hours at the pool as well and hours playing together inside and outside. I was against them at first when my husband brought home the gaming system but they don’t sit slack jawed on the couch like zombies. They play together and have to attain a goal as a team. They have learned to work together to overcome the challenges and they jump all over the place while they are playing. You can hear them interacting from every corner of the house in fact. My four year olds eye hand coordination has drastically improved to the extent that if you look at his handwriting three months ago and now you see an incredible difference. There are definitely benefits to gaming. It certainly fuels their imagination. My four year old spends hours changing from one costume to the next and re-enacting scenes with his own twist in it after playing Scooby Doo. We put a limit on it, but during the school year they work so hard and little time to do things they want to do. They are home by four and then it’s homework, dinner and bed. I have zero guilt about allowing them to sloth around during the summer and have fun gaming together. We go to the pool just about every day too and are very physically active so I have no worries about them being overweight. Yes, sometimes at the doctor’s office or at restaurants if they are being disruptive to everyone around them because they are tired or hungry waiting for food I will let them spend time on my phone. Most times they are just fine but they are children and they have limits when it comes to how much they can handle if they are overtired and I’m not going to subject every person in the room to a tantrum just so I can say I didn’t “shush” them. Sorry but sometimes children need to be shushed if their outbursts are inappropriate. Just another point of view. Balance is key in all things. It’s something all parents struggle with and feel guilty about. But I stopped trying to be a supermom a long time ago. 🙂 Here’s an article on all the benefits of gaming” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/07/video-games-good-for-us_n_4164723.html

Just FYI, that statistic is used to describe “EXPOSURE” to pornography – and it is commonly misconstrued as “addicted to” when used by many right-leaning and christian-run “news” websites. I’m not saying a person who is right-leaning and christian can’t be informed or run a non-biased website, because they can….but the ones using this statistic incorrectly, need some help.

And, if you think the middle school kids who wanted access to pornography BEFORE the widespread use of the internet – you probably need to go to the library and check out all the porn available there.

Very helpful and encouraging. Thank you for sharing your heart! May the Lord bless you and keep you!

This is such a beautiful letter to your children…. Even if they can’t understand your reasons now, one day I’m sure they will be thankful you said “no” to them. I have a 6 months old daughter and I’m appalled when I see how she’s hypnotised when the TV is on somewhere… I’m French, and although we have different cultures I feel so close to everything you wrote in your letter. Thank you for saying what every parent should feel and do to preserve their children.

Smarter than I (am).

My house is an electronic free zone when my grandchildren are visiting!

WOW! That was amazing

I hope that everyone who I hope that everyone who reads this letter to understand that children are not to be repaired but us parents. We need to challenge two aspects:
1. Perspective on the impact of technology in children’s lives
2. Our personal comfort.
I believe that not only children can be very creative but we also can, if we are really motivated and determined.

Sorry, *thank!

x
c

HEIDITH, I 100% completely agree with your entire comment and I say BRAVO to you….we allow our son to play video games, he has his own Kindle fire, he has 2 DS games (one is a 3DS)…however we do NOT smart phone and we do NOT allow him to play when the weather is nice outside and we do NOT allow him to take any electronic device with us out of the house unless we are going on a long car drive 🙂 other than that we have a list of rules that we had him read and sign along with us signing it so he KNEW the rules he had to follow to know when he could and when he could not play the X-box and it’s been working GREAT 🙂 He plays one sport a season and we go to the local Quarry swimming too, actually we have a family summer pass 🙂 but to be a kid means to have, use and enjoy electronics…it’s their generation and there is NOTHING wrong with that at all…it’s our job as parents to know the limits and set them into motion 🙂

Wonderful, and totally how I would raise my kids if I had any. I only hope there are enough people who were raised in a similar way when they grow up – electronic gadgets are so isolating and I see it in my friends’ kids. Worst thing for relationships and humanity.
For added impact, take them to Africa while they are young, and they will truly see how fortunate they are to even have gadgets, but that you actually don’t need them to survive. Big lesson for anyone who has list touch with reality…..

*18 not 118:)

You are lucky your children are well and do not have a million doctor appointments and weeks upon weeks in the hospital. It is fantastic that they play sports, instead of wheeze, cough, wait for infections to set in and cycle again to see yet more doctors while their battered siblings wonder what is to become of them. You are lucky too, that none of your children are non-verbal, seeing to communicate through assisted technologies or find a way to relate to someone thought the shared experience of “Angry Birds” when they cannot even muster eye contact otherwise. Don’t be a hater, sometimes we have to make informed, realistic decisions about keeping our kids engaged and sane when the realities of their world are neither. Watching a movie is much more pleasant that getting IVs and blood drawn every two weeks… I assure you… and I promise, I STILL listen to every single word my child says… because more than most, I know they might not be there…

I raised my children in the 80’s/90’s when kids were not interested in technology. My girls loved being outside all day riding their bikes and playing with their friends. We spent Saturdays in the Summer at the local pool with a picnic basket packed with lunch and snacks. Snow filled Winter days were spent outside building snowmen and snowball fights. Now when I drive through neighborhoods I never hear children laughing and playing. I’m in my 40s and each night when I have dinner at my mom’s house, I still leave my phone in the car! I don’t want to distracted by a phone call and miss our time together. My children (they are adults now) know that if we are at dinner together that their phones are off limits. They understand the importance of communicating with each other without any distractions.

I think this is very well-written and from the heart, something your boys will appreciate and treasure when they are older. My kids are still so young, it’s been easy to keep our home focused on relationships, recreation, and creativity rather than devices. I fear it will be much more difficult as they grow, but your words give me hope! I think the best thing my husband and I can do right now is be good examples. I try to use my iphone sparingly, especially when the kids are around. I’d rather live and enjoy the moment then make sure I get it on instagram. I even got rid of my kindle so my kids could see me reading actual books. (Kindles are awesome, I really just want them to grow up in a house full of books 🙂 Yes, I want my kids to be tech-savvy since this is the world they live in. But devices are so intuitive these days that I don’t fear they’ll be unequipped to use them when they do!

I believe as you do. Our children are in their 30’s so they never had “hand-held” games growing up and I am so thankful for that. Learning to program a computer just to play “pong” seems like such a gift looking back in time. My grandkids are glued to their cell phones, iPad’s, iPhones, etc. It is sad to know that they do not have the social interaction that my children did. I know sometimes it is *easier* to just let them play but I applaud you for teaching your children values.

Oddly enough, my brother that is 58, will sit at the dinner table with my mother and text his girlfriend during the entire meal. He doesn’t get it. Mom is in her 80’s, she won’t be around forever. By not allowing her those few uninterrupted minutes during dinner-he is missing her life and his with her. At some point it will sink in (when it is too late) and he will say “I wish I would have put the phone down and just talked to her”.

Thank you for a thought provoking story. When my grandkids are here…they are not glued to electronics. We take field trips, learn about birds, bugs, nature et al. There is so much more to life than electronics. Yes they have their place and time, but it isn’t 24/7.

Unfortunately, the main reason that most parents will not limit their children’s electronics usage is because they cannot limit their own usage.

A message to mothers. Firstly, she admits her selfishness and her over-zealousness toward her maternal instincts. I propose women check themselves in a society where most woman propose that men must learn to control their natural instincts. The obvious hypocrisy is when she says the world needs more selflessness; then she goes onto describe all her wants. Next, she says she wants all these things for her sons all in the name of hating technology; which may I remind you has the potential to help her fulfill the things she wants for them. Technology has the power to augment our intelligence; in which case they would be better suited for life by learning to think in congruence with their devices. Then, she says she wants to learn to listen to her children and she notes that they are venting their frustration about not having access to smart technology while observing others; so is she really listening to what their desires are?; what actually makes them happy?; what they actually want? Clearly she is only thinking about their future wives and not their future (I sense some sour-grapes from past situations; as well as some unchecked extreme feminism). She talks about the mystery, wonders, and discoveries of life; all things in which technology can help us to unfold. How is she posting this blog?…a device. Why are mothers so quick to label things as black and white/evil or good; and mostly evil, usually never seeing any good; she even does this in the name of God, in which case I would say she is spiritually blind. When your sons go to college I’m sure they will fair better off having a resume of technological skills. Here’s a thought, learn to use your devices together and learn to learn together; because mother, you obviously don’t know everything about life, and saying that only you have the power to guide them into the knowledge of life is rather inflated. Renee, I suggest you refine your logic before you turn your sons against you.