A Letter To Husbands From Your Wife (The Real Reason You Need To Put The Screen Down)

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Note: My post titled A Letter to My Boys (The Real Reason I Say No To Electronics) has been viewed over 1,000,000 times in a short period of time. I received an enormous amount of emails requesting I write a letter for husbands and wives. Today’s post is a letter to husbands. But husbands don’t worry because a letter to wives will be coming in the near future.

Husbands,

I’m writing you a letter today on behalf of your wife.  To share with you what is in her heart. I can write this because I understand.  And because she asked me to.  She knows what is in her heart, but she has a hard time putting it into words.  Part of her feels embarrassed for feeling this way.  Part of her feels alone in feeling this way.

Do you remember the first time you realized you loved your wife?  And the first time you realized she loved you?  Do you remember how you looked into her eyes and saw a tenderness, compassion, and understanding that words could never fully express?  You saw parts of her through her eyes that others were never allowed in that far to see.  And you chose to love her anyway.

You carry a great burden as a husband.  To love your wife in a way that comes 2nd only to her love from God.  Her ultimate source of unconditional love comes from Him.  But you are called to love her 2nd most.  She is desperate to feel your love, and many days she feels very unloved.  When a screen is in front of your face, she doesn’t feel your love.  Partly because she doesn’t see your eyes.

Love is expressed through the eyes.  Yes, there are many other ways to show and feel love. But the eyes are a connection to the heart.  When she has your eyes, she has your heart. She misses your eyes.  The blue glow of your screen pulls your eyes from her, and she can’t compete.  It’s an unfair competition.  I’ll tell you why.

We women are really hard on ourselves.  We compare ourselves in our own head to everything around us.  Now that your eyes are more on your device than on her, she is competing with something that will always win.  When the screen wins, your wife loses.  And I know you love her more than to watch her go down in defeat.  She is jealous for your attention.

She may not even realize she is jealous, but she is.  She knows she can never be what your screen is to you.  But she is so much more, and she wants you to remember that.  She wants you back to her.  Completely connected to her.  Your wife doesn’t want to share a connection with your screen.

The playing field has become unfair. She can’t compete for your attention against a screen. It will always be more interesting than her. It will often be more enlightening. It will offer you what you want to accept from it. It won’t nag you, it won’t complain about the day. If you don’t like what it shares with you, you can switch to another page. It doesn’t get too tired to entertain you. It entices you. It makes you laugh. It molds to your desires at the touch of a finger. It offers you instant satisfaction and gives you exactly what you ask for.

Beneath the surface it’s creating damage that won’t be seen initially. But it will eventually play out, even in subtle ways.

After a long day, I know it’s tempting to escape, and the screen offers a great escape. But your wife needs you. She needs you to escape to her, to her real life and your real world. Many days her world feels very insignificant compared to yours (I know you don’t feel this way), but she has battled today and needs someone who can look into her eyes and give her the comfort her heart needs.

When the world hasn’t loved her well, she needs you to love her well.

When she knows you love her, she can respond better to you. When she knows you love her, she desires to love you back. When she knows you love her, the enemy has less room to maneuver in your lives.

It’s more than your eyes the screen is stealing from your wife, it’s a soul connection that is really at stake here.  It’s stealing your time, your attention, and your affection.

You want to know why the eyes are so important?  Because for women we need face to face time to feel truly connected.  To simply be in the same room with her while you are looking at a screen isn’t the same as when she is face to face with you.  She can look in your eyes and see that you understand her and she can give that back to you.  She feels she is losing that with you.  Something else has stolen her FaceTime.  There is a winner and a loser.  The one who gets the FaceTime wins.  I know you want your wife to live victoriously.  If the screen consistently gets your eyes and your face to face interaction, your wife loses.  You love her too much for that.

You have an enormous amount of pressure on you.  Work never stops.  We live in a constantly connected world that tells you you must respond to everything immediately.  It’s a lie.  Life is more important that anything on that screen.  When you are with her, she wants you to be fully present.

Screens drop seeds into both of you that grow a weed called selfish. It tempts you to veg out and feed your desire for “me time”. And it grows inside her demanding she get more of you than she is getting. It makes you both feel selfish. She doesn’t want to be selfish. It causes both of you to want to feed your own desires.

She doesn’t want to nag you about how much time you spend scrolling through Twitter feeds or watching show after show when the kids are in bed.  And she doesn’t want to remain silent and let bitterness grow in the the silent dark of her heart either.  She is sorry for both.

You are both in tough spots.  But you have a choice.  So let’s get to the root of it.

She loves you. She desperately needs your love.  Your eyes are powerful in showing her love. Your time and attention, face to face, she needs to keep her going and fuel her for the journey ahead.

To be fully connected to each other, you can’t be fully connected to a screen. To be fully connected to each other, you can’t be half connected to a phone and half connected to each other in conversation. When you are together, make a choice to fully connect and fully disconnect. Your love is worth more value than anything on a screen.

 

 

 

Orphan Hosting

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In 2012 we hosted a little boy from Eastern Europe through New Horizons for Children.  This experience and program opened our eyes to orphan care.  Orphans are no longer a number. I have a name and a face that I see each time I hear a number.

This summer we will host for the 2nd time.  This time a 12 year old girl.  She arrives today.

When V returned to Latvia in January 2013, the photo listing was published by NHFC for the upcoming summer hosting session, and her picture grabbed me immediately.  It was her sweet smile and the description that she had only been in a children’s home for a few short months.  Her eyes were young and innocent.  I asked Steve if we could host again that summer, and with compassion and wisdom, he said no.  I was grieving the loss of V and needed time for my heart to heal. I needed to leave myself available to support the family that would seek to adopt him.  I needed time to process before moving forward.

I called my sister and asked her family to host.  They did.  And they loved this little girl. After 2 hostings they are currently fostering children and are unable to host and asked us to host her.  We jumped at the opportunity.

When we hosted V, I didn’t know what to expect.  I expected nothing.  This time I know a little of what to expect.  I can expect my heart to grow exponentially.  I can expect my heart to be broken.  I can expect my heart to be healed by my Comforter.  I can expect to see God move mountains.  I can expect to see God work in the life of a hurting child.

Would you be in prayer for our family and the little girl we are hosting?  The next 5 weeks will certainly bring forth enemy attack and your prayers are appreciated.

Here is an index of the postings from our time with V:

He’s Here

Day One

Day Two

Day Three

Day Four

Day Five

Day Six

Day Seven

Day Ten

Day Thirteen

Day Seventeen

Adopted by the Father

Intentions and Goals of Orphan Hosting

9 Ways To Help An Orphan

Day 22

Advocating for Adoption

Adopted by God

Before and After

He’s Gone

Post Viktors

The Journey Continues- Meet the Sloans

[box] I donate 10% of my royalties from the sale of Seeking Christmas to support orphan ministries such as New Horizons for Children. Seeking Christmas gives families the gift of memories at Christmas. Many children are without a loving family to experience traditions and create memories. We can make a difference little by little.[/box]

Mission Mondays: A Summer Tradition

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Summer is in full swing and so begins one of my favorite summer traditions.  Mission Mondays.  Summer is for memory-making.  We have so many opportunities to create meaningful memories.  While we are creating memories, we can do something for others in need while sewing seeds of compassion into our children’s hearts.

2 years ago we labeled Mondays as Mission Mondays.  These were dedicated days of service projects.  Looking back over the years, these projects have become some of our favorite memories.  As my boys get older, I’m realizing how important continuing this tradition actually is.

This year we invited friends to join us.  For our first mission project of the summer, we filled blessing bags. These are bags that you fill to keep in your car so when you pass a homeless person in need you have something to offer them.  We fill the bags with personal hygiene items, small non-perishable food items, a Bible, a handmade card, some hard candy, etc.

Once our bags were filled and cards made, we moved to our 2nd project.  Making a welcome sign for a 12-year-old we are hosting through New Horizons for Children this summer.  If you have been a reader here for awhile, you will remember when we hosted Viktors, an orphan from Latvia, during Christmas 2012. This summer we will host again, this time a girl. We know her well since she has been hosted by my sister’s family 2 times.  We are so excited to shower her with love this summer.  And have some girl flair in this male-dominated home for a few weeks.

This summer we have selected 4 Mondays to serve others.  I find that my children tend to learn through action rather than just my words and these projects allow them to become involved and take ownership.  Summer is a time of fun and relaxation, but I want them to see beyond themselves.  To see that summer isn’t about only themselves and having fun.  I want them to use their time and their talents to serve others.

Our first Mission Monday last week had the girls all over it.  Marina has a beautiful sign that will greet her in 9 days!

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Here are some Mission Monday posts from the past:

Homeless Blessing Bags

Mission Monday Ideas

Lemon-Aide Stand

What are some ways your family serves others during summer break?  I have shared a few ideas in the links above and would love to hear your ideas!

 

 

A Letter To My Boys (The Real Reason I Say No To Electronics) – Repost

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I originally posted this letter to my boys in January 2014. Within the first 7 days, this post was viewed 70,000 times. I received comments and emails that left me in tears. So many of us share these feelings and this letter gave voice to what you held in your heart. I am reposting today because as we head into summer, it’s easy to slip into patterns of excessive screen time. I want to remind us that our time is short with our children. Let’s make memories. Let’s claim this time. Original post and comments can be found here.

Important note before you read – If you plan to skim this, please don’t bother to read it. You will miss the point completely. I do not fear technology. My children have access to devices and technology. I’m not setting them up for failure in society. They know how to use computers, phones, and video games. We give limits and train them to exhibit self-control. I welcome all comments, but if you plan to comment in a negative or nasty way, it will be discarded. Thank you and blessings!

Boys back

Listen to the audio version of this post by clicking here.

Dear Boys,

Do you remember the day we went to the drugstore and the lady said, “Wow, you are the first kids I’ve seen all day with nothing in your hands.” Remember how she marveled at how you didn’t need an electronic device to carry through the store? I know how her words made you feel. I know how it reminded you that you are different because your mom limits your electronic usage. I know it was yet another reminder.

The same reminder you receive when we are out to eat and you notice all the kids playing their phones and iPads instead of talking to their parents. I know it was a reminder of all the sporting events where you feel you are the only kids whose parents are making them cheer on their siblings rather than burying themselves in a phone. I know it was another reminder to you that you feel different in this electronic age we live in.

Well, boys, it’s not you. It’s me. Me being selfish maybe. You see I can’t bear to miss a moment with you. Let me explain.

I want to talk to you when we are out to eat. I want to listen to your questions. I want to have training opportunities. I want to allow space for conversation that can take us deeper. And if you are always distracted with electronics, well… I might miss those moments.

I could give you all the statistics about how damaging it is to your development, your attention span, your ability to learn. While all of those are valid reasons to keep electronics away, that is not my primary reason why I say no to you so much. It’s more than that. Much more. I need you to understand this.

When we are together, I want all of you. The fullness of you. I want to experience you. Truly experience you. And I can’t do that with you when there is an electronic device between us. You see it acts as a barrier. I want to see what brings life to those eyes. I want to watch the wonder and magic dance across your face as you discover the wonders of this world. I want to watch you as you figure things out. I want to watch you process life, develop your thoughts. I want to know you. I want to know your passions. I want to watch you as you discover your God-given talents and gifts. And when you hide behind a screen, I miss out on all of that. And my time with you….well it will be over in the blink of an eye.

I want to guide you into an understanding of life and who you are. Boys, kids today are starved for attention, true connection and relationship. I don’t want you to feel starved. That is why I say no. I know that feeding the desire to play in your device is like giving you candy. It satisfies for a moment but provides no long term nutrition. It does more harm than good.

I don’t want to look back when I’m out of the trenches of child training and regret a second I had with you. I don’t want to merely survive. I want to thrive in this life with you. We are in it together. We are a family.

Yes, when we are waiting at a doctor’s office for an hour, it would be easier to quiet you with my phone. But if I did that, I fear I would send you a message that says I’d rather hush you than hear those precious words falling from your lips.

I can’t bear the thought of allowing you to miss out on the wonders and mysteries of this world. When you are transfixed on a screen, the beauty of this world will be lost to you. In every moment beauty is waiting to be discovered. I don’t want you to miss it.

I want you to be comfortable with yourself. I want you not to feel a constant need to be entertained and distracted. If you stay behind a screen, you never have to experience just being you, alone with your thoughts. I want you to learn to think, to ponder life, to make discoveries, to create. You have been gifted by God in unique ways. I want those to bloom. They can’t bloom in the glow of a screen. They need life, real life, to bring them to light.

I want you to be confident in who you are. I want you to be able to look people in the eyes and speak life into them. If I allow you to live behind a screen, you get little practice relating eye to eye. To truly know someone you have to look into their eyes. It’s a window into their heart. You see what can’t be seen in cyberspace.

When I tell you no to devices, I’m giving you a gift. And I’m giving me a gift. It’s a gift of relationship. True human connection. It’s precious and a treasure. And you mean so much to me that I don’t want to miss a second of it.

I love how God created your mind. I love to hear the way you think and process life. I love to see what makes you laugh. I love to watch those eyes widen when a new discovery is made. And when your head is behind a screen, I miss all of that. And so do you.

In this life we have few cheerleaders. In this family we will cheer each other on. I know it is boring to sit at swim lessons and watch your brother learn to swim. I know it is boring to sit through a 2 hour baseball practice. And in all honesty, it would be easy for me to give you the iPad and keep you quiet and occupied. But we all lose out when we do that. You will miss out on watching your brother’s new accomplishments. You will deprive him of the joy of his moment to shine for you. You will miss out on what it means to encourage each other.

I want you to grow up knowing the world doesn’t revolve around you. (One day your wife will thank me) I want you to learn to give selflessly of yourself….to give away your time, your talents, your treasures. If I distract you with electronics when you should be cheering for your brother, well, I’m simply telling you that your happiness is more important than giving your time to someone other than yourself.

This world needs more selflessness. This world needs more connection. This world needs more love. We can’t learn these behind a screen.

I want to raise sons that know how to look deeply into the eyes of the ones they love. I want my future daughters in law to know what it’s like to have a husband that looks deeply into her eyes because he knows the value of human relationships and the treasure of love. And that is best communicated eye to eye.

I want to watch your face illuminated by the majesty of life – not the glow of a screen. I want all of you. Because I only have you for a short while. When you pack up and leave for college, I want to look back with no regrets over the time I spent with you. I want to look back and remember how your eyes sparkled when we talked. I want to look back and remember how I actually knew those little quirky details of your life because we had time enough to be bored together.

It’s ok to be bored. We can be bored together. And we can discover new things together.

I love you. I love you too much to quiet you with an iPhone or an iPad or a DS. And I can’t even apologize, because I’m really not sorry. I’m doing this so that I won’t be sorry one day.

With all my love,

Mom

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My Favorite Family Books for Summer

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When I think of summer, I think of books and sweat.  Mostly because I remember sitting outside on summer days, swinging on the porch swing, reading the day away.  Even in my adult years, summer is the time I read more than any other time of the year.  And for my kids, when I hear, “I’m bored,”  the answer is usually, “Go read.”

When Andrew was a toddler and still napped in the afternoon, the older boys and I would sit on the screen porch and read together.  This was a time I would read out loud to them books that wouldn’t hold Andrew’s attention.  Andrew is now old enough to join us, and this time has become a little tradition.  I sip coffee, they sip lemonade, we rock in chairs, and we listen and linger over words.

I’m a big believer in reading anything.  Read, read, read.  However, reading offers a perfect opportunity for some intentional spiritual nurturing.  I thought today would be a good time to share our favorite summer books.

These books are PERFECT for the ages of my boys 5, 8, and 10.  But honestly, we’ve been reading them for 2 years now and they enjoyed them then.  There are many years ahead to enjoy them as well.

Case for Christ, Case for Faith, Case for Creator.  All the Case for…. books by Lee Strobel are amazing for kids.  The information is so easy to understand, and it really challenges them to think beyond, “I believe because you tell me to.”  He has a whole series just for kids.  They are fun, and my kids love listening to me read these books.

I’m a huge Josh McDowell fan.  He writes apologetics I can understand.  The same holds true for the books he writes for kids.  Our favorite is The Awesome Book of Bible Answers for Kids.  I have always read this aloud.  Now they enjoy reading it on their own.  The chapters are short, so it’s a great book to leave on the table, and they can pick it up and read a few minutes here and there without feeling they have to have the time to become involved in a storyline.  Zachary loves to tell me the cool facts he is learning.  The questions are the types even we as adults struggle with.

Other favorites include Jesus is Alive by McDowell and The Amazing Bible Adventure for Kids.

I’ve tried buying my boys individual devotions and they never stick with it.  These books are different.  They don’t feel it’s something added to their to-do list.

If you are looking for a way to weave in spiritual training this summer, I highly recommend these books.  It’s effortless and entertaining, yet the truths sink deep.

Summer kicks off officially in my house in exactly one week.  Our books are out and ready to read!

What are some of your favorite summer books?  Both children and adult?

Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

 

 

When My Expectations Challenge True Compassion

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His response caught me off guard.  My mind was racing to produce a response that would disguise my true feelings.

I called to schedule a time to deliver a meal to the family of a hospice patient that recently passed away.  The meal would be for Christmas Day.

“We plan to drop your meal off around 4:00.  Will that be ok?”

“4:00?  I guess if that’s the best you can do.”  His tone of voice wasn’t what I was expecting.

“Oh, I’m sorry.  What were you expecting?”

“I was expecting 10:00 am.”

I stammered.  10:00 on Christmas morning.  Right in the middle of Christmas morning surprises with my children.  It would be impossible.  Realizing this man and I were in completely different phases of life, I tried to be sensitive to that.  I was unsure of his relationship to the patient who had passed.  However, there was something else that was bothering me.  Some emotion, a feeling that I hadn’t expected.

“Sir, I’m preparing a fully cooked meal and it will be really hard for me to have that ready by 10:00 on Christmas morning.  I can bring it by 10:00 unprepared if you prefer.  Or I can try for about 2:00?”

“2:00 will be fine.”

Honestly, I was bothered by the response.  I had expected someone to show appreciation for receiving a cooked meal on Christmas Day from a stranger.  That wasn’t the response I received.

The response I received bothered me less than the response of my own heart.

Our expectations can set us up for feelings of disappointment and frustration.  Had I only had appropriate expectations from the beginning I wouldn’t have experienced the feelings of disappointment.  But it went way beyond my expectations.  You see my expectations were completely off-course.  I was the one in the wrong.  Not this stranger I was providing a meal to.

The Lord challenged my motives.  He refocused my heart.

As I pondered the conversation, and tossed around my thoughts on it all, the Lord whispered to my heart.

Is this for Me or for you?  Do this for Me.  When you do this for Me, there should be no expectations. 

The Lord convicted my heart.  I wanted to provide a meal.  I wanted to bless someone.  But deep down, I wanted to experience the joy in the blessing.  My motives had been called to the table, and the Lord was gracious to allow me to see it.

To show true compassion, I should serve out of love for Christ.  Period.  Regardless of anything I receive.  I should expect to receive nothing.

Christ died for the sinner.  He gave himself as a sacrifice.  For the ones who appreciated the sacrifice and for the ones who didn’t appreciate the sacrifice.  He gave anyway.  Out of a deep, profound love he gave.

Christ showed compassion to us when he hung on that cross.  In my daily life, I rarely show Him the appreciation He deserves.  Why should I expect any different in this life from others?

Our acts of mercy don’t earn favor in God’s eyes.  They come out of a place of deep love for the One who gave it all for us.  Why do I expect something from a stranger that I myself don’t give to my God who died for me?

I opened my Bible, which naturally opens to the Psalms as it is the most worn part of my Bible.  But on this day, it fell open to Zechariah 7.

“….The people of Bethel had sent Sharezer and Regem-Melech, together with their men, to entreat the Lord by asking the priests of the house of the Lord Almighty and the prophets, “Should I mourn and fast in the fifth month, as I have done for so many years?”  Then the word of the Lord Almighty came to me: “Ask all the people of the land and the priests, ‘When you fasted and mourned in the fifth and seventh months for the past seventy years, was it really for me that you fasted?  And when you were eating and drinking, were you not just feasting for yourselves?  Are these not the words the Lord proclaimed through the earlier prophets when Jerusalem and its surrounding towns were at rest and prosperous and the Negev and the western foothills were settled?”  And the word of the Lord came again to Zechariah: “This is what the Lord Almighty says:  Administer true justice, show mercy and compassion to one another.  Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor.  In your hearts do not think evil of each other.”

I read this and paused.  What an unbelievable God we serve.  His gentle rebuke had taken the thoughts I pondered in my heart and turned them completely.

Hebrews 4:12 “For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

Lord, thank you that you love me enough to continually correct me, rebuke me, and pull me back to you.  Thank you for your word that is alive and active and speaks to my daily life.  Thank you for giving me the means and ability to serve, and I pray it comes out of true compassion.  I pray I would serve you and not me.  Forgive me for not showing true appreciation for your sacrifice.  Amen.

Merry Christmas

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This Christmas season looked different for our family.  At the center of it all, His truths still remained.  Despite a first book launch and a busier time of life than I prefer, His truths reigned in our lives.

His steady Presence provides peace to our hearts.

May you be filled with peace, love, and joy in these final hours of Christmas.  May you see Christ in your every moment.  May you experience the fullness of His grace and mercy today and everyday.

Merry Christmas from our family to yours.