My job is not to make my kid’s struggle easier.

/in , , /by

My job is not to make my kid’s struggle easier.

My job is to lean in and point them to the cross.

The struggle is real.

Life is a struggle. If we as parents continue to step in and right their world and make everything fair and perfect, what a disservice we offer them in the long run. Because ultimately we are creating a false sense of reality for them.

In my fierce attempts to protect my child from failure, mistakes, unfairness, and hardship, I elbow Christ right out of the way. I step in and say to the One who wants to be my child’s Comforter, Defender, and Rescuer, “I’ve got this. I’ll smooth this path for him and make it all better.”

Sadly, Christ is left out. Our kids aren’t pointed to the cross. Rather, they begin to see the world as a place that is supposed to be fair and good to them. In reality, this world is fallen and broken. In God’s mercy and love, He sent His son to make it all right. And on this earth, we won’t experience perfection and goodness in all situations. This is when we turn toward Him in faith and say, “I trust in You. You love me. You care for me. One day I will stand with you in eternity and see the world as it should be.”

I had a friend tell me stories of parents calling him when their adult children didn’t get the job. They wanted to know why their child wasn’t chosen. Parents calling the coach and demanding their kid be placed on a team they simply weren’t cut out for. Parents racing to school after the child left homework at home. AGAIN.

It is ok for our kids to struggle. It’s ok for them to fail so they can learn. If we consistently rescue them, how will they ever grow strong?

It’s hard to watch our kids struggle. But if we don’t let them now, while we can talk them through it, they will not be prepared when it really matters.

7 years ago I wrote a post about the importance of struggle. I shared a story in which I struggled to allow my child to struggle. 7 years later, I believe in this more than I realized I would. Click through to read that post with me. The Struggle with Struggle.

 

Books I’ve Read in 2019

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I should really become more systematic with sharing posts about what I’ve read and am reading. It’s far too sporadic. Nonetheless, here’s a few books I’ve read since my last post Books I’ve Read This Year and Why We Read Aloud.

 

Personal Growth/Non-Fiction/Christian Living

  • Switch on Your Brain by Dr. Caroline Leaf

It’s a game changer kind of book. I borrowed my friend’s copy which she had underlined and highlighted unlike anything I’d ever seen. The main thing I learned here is that I’m not an active enough reader, clearly.

But seriously. I think everyone should read this book. It’s really that good.

  • Your Best Year Ever by Michael Hyatt

I loved this book. I actually listened on Audible and finished in about 2 days. It was a fast, practical read about goal setting and habits. Apparently, a theme for my year so far. I approach these books as a cynic, sadly. But a trusted friend recommended, so I went with it. I’m glad I did.

  • Cozy Minimalist Home

This is another book I would typically not find myself drawn to for a couple of reasons. I don’t decorate continually. I literally decorate my home when I move and never again until the next house. Not kidding. It’s just not my thing. Also, we are in a 2 year spending freeze, so why would I want to read a book that could cause me to want what I don’t need.

Ok, but that whole minimalism thing drew me in. And the library had it.

It took me by surprise. I finished in a day and would definitely recommend. I particularly liked the writing style.

 

  • Remember God

I didn’t LOVE this one, but it wasn’t bad at all. I just don’t think I was the target reader for this book. I read it because the title appealed to me. If you recall from last year, remember was the word on repeat. I believe if we spent more time remembering who God is, much of our troubles would fade.

However, this book didn’t really address that as much as I’d hoped. Instead it was a part of the author’s personal journey. Her writing life/career, singleness, etc. I think someone in that same season of life would really love and connect with this book.

  • The Soul of Shame – Retelling the stories we tell about ourselves

“We’re all infected with a spiritual disease. Its name is shame. Whether we realize it or not, shame affects every aspect of our personal lives and vocational endeavors. It seeks to destroy our identity in Christ, replacing it with a damaged version of ourselves that results in unhealed pain and brokenness. But God is telling a different story for your life. Psychiatrist Curt Thompson unpacks the soul of shame, revealing its ubiquitous nature and neurobiological roots. He also provides the theological and practical tools necessary to dismantle shame, based on years of researching its damaging effects and counseling people to overcome those wounds. Thompson’s expertise and compassion will help you identify your own pains and struggles and find freedom from the lifelong negative messages that bind you. Rewrite the story of your life and embrace healing and wholeness as you discover and defeat shame’s insidious agenda.”

This book was a powerful read. I only picked it up because a friend mentioned it in passing. I recommend it to all christians.

  • Take Control of Your Life – How to silence fear and win the mental game

“With humor and wisdom, Mel Robbins expertly tackles the fear of change, rejection, and being alone, as well as imposter syndrome and feeling trapped in the wrong career. Each session is a goldmine of discovery as Mel guides you to find your purpose, improve your relationships, and ultimately take control of your life. In these times of high anxiety, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed – that changes right now. If you want the tools to break free from fear and live to your fullest potential, this is a must-listen.”

I read this as part of an accountability group. The title gave me pause, but it wasn’t what I expected. Each chapter I found helpful in learning to cast out fear and embrace the person God created me to be and the callings He has placed on my life. While this book isn’t written from a christian perspective, I still found much wisdom and nuggets to take away.

  • The Power of Habit

“In The Power of Habit, award-winning business reporter Charles Duhigg takes us to the thrilling edge of scientific discoveries that explain why habits exist and how they can be changed. Distilling vast amounts of information into engrossing narratives that take us from the boardrooms of Procter & Gamble to the sidelines of the NFL to the front lines of the civil rights movement, Duhigg presents a whole new understanding of human nature and its potential. At its core, The Power of Habit contains an exhilarating argument: The key to exercising regularly, losing weight, being more productive, and achieving success is understanding how habits work. As Duhigg shows, by harnessing this new science, we can transform our businesses, our communities, and our lives.”

I loved this book. I love learning new things and the way he told the stories was so captivating and enthralling. I finished that book more aware than ever how powerful habits are and how we hold the power to change and shape our habits. Habits don’t have to control us. Great read!!

Parenting

  • What a Difference a Mom Makes

I basically like anything by Dr. Kevin Lehman. He’s one of my favorites. The beginning I devoured, but then it quickly became much of what I’ve read in his previous books. I love it because I love his advice, but I’d read much of it already.

 

Fiction

  • Roses

Well, this one I struggled to put down. I didn’t want it to end at all. I fell in love with the characters, the plot moved not too fast and not too slow. If you like historical fiction, add this to your list.

“Spanning the 20th century, the story of Roses takes place in a small East Texas town against the backdrop of the powerful timber and cotton industries, industries controlled by the scions of the town’s founding families. Cotton tycoon Mary Toliver and timber magnate Percy Warwick should have married but unwisely did not, and now must deal with the deceit, secrets, and tragedies of their choice and the loss of what might have been–not just for themselves but for their children, and children’s children. With expert, unabashed, big-canvas storytelling, Roses covers a hundred years, three generations of Texans and the explosive combination of passion for work and longing for love.”

 

  • Spark of Light

I’ve never read a Jodi Piccoult book I didn’t like until this one. I really had a hard time with the abortion subject matter as I shared in my Instagram post below. Sadly, I would not recommend this book.

 

  • Number the Stars

This is the 2nd time I’ve read this book. I read it aloud to Zachary and Andrew. Such a good read aloud.

 

  • The Story Keeper

I read this because I really enjoyed Before We Were Yours. It was a fairly quick read but wasn’t as gripping as I’d hoped. But fiction for me is tough because it really has to be a page turner to keep me sitting still.

  • Somerset

This is the prequel to Roses. Equally as good as Roses!

“Born into the wealthiest and most influential family in 1830s South Carolina, Jessica Wyndham was expected to look appealing, act with decorum, and marry a suitably prominent and respectable man. However, her outspoken opinions and unflagging sense of justice make her a difficult-and dangerous-firebrand, especially for slavery-dependent Carson Wyndham. Jessica’s testing of her powerful father’s love is only the beginning of the pain, passion, and triumph she will experience on a journey with the indomitable, land-obsessed Silas Toliver and headstrong Jeremy Warwick to a wild new land called Texas.”

  • Until We Reach Home Lynn Austin

I’ve loved all Lynn Austin books, and this one kept me coming back. A sweet, while at times heartbreaking, and moving read.

“Life in Sweden feels like an endless winter to Elin Carlson after the deaths of her parents. When circumstances become unbearable, she determines to find a safe haven for her sisters.

So begins their journey to America . . . the land of dreams and second chances.

But as hardship becomes their constant companion, Elin, Kirsten, and Sofia question their decision to immigrate to Chicago. Will their hopes for the future ever be realized?

ONLY IN CROSSING A SEEMINGLY ENDLESS OCEAN WILL THEY FIND THE TRUE MEANING OF LOVE, FAITH, AND HOME”

  • Titans, Leslie Meacham

Great book. I liked Roses and Somerset better. However, Titans was worth reading. It was filled with a bit less heartache     than her previous books. A more predictable ending. A sweet read to wind down my summer fiction spree.

Do you enjoy these posts? I don’t know how many of y’all are readers???

Which are you trusting more? Your faith or your fear?

/in , /by

 

The pier seemed to stretch to the middle of Lake Michigan. It was a clear divide. One side still as a summer night. One side as rambunctious as a toddler thrown down in full declaration of his will.

As I stood at the start of the pier, the end seemed completely out of reach. To reach the end, I’d have to face the strength of the wind to my right and the force of the waves as they pounded the walkway. Rather than a peaceful pier stroll, for me, it was a walk filled with the taunts and distractions of fear. The wind roared in my ears. My heart drummed so loudly I was certain it could be heard over the crashing waves.

“Why haven’t they closed this pier?” I wondered. It seemed far too dangerous. No guard rails held up their protective embrace.

My family felt none of the emotions I struggled through. They laughed and played all the way to the clear end. I, on the other hand, baby-stepped my way plank by terrifying plank.

“What if the wind sent Andrew in the water?”

“What if the brothers are goofing off and someone accidentally falls in?”

“What if they don’t see how slippery the pier is and end up fighting the lake that behaves like a sea.”

I never made it to the end of the pier. Fear kept me barely past the start, never progressing. Fear won.

Later I looked at the picture and videos I captured of that scene. If I turned to the left, the water was calm, still, and peaceful. If I turned to the right, the wind slapped water across my legs as it landed on the pier in repeat.

A clear divide separated peace and chaos.

On the side of peace, all lay still. The water glistened. Facing the side of peace, the wind was behind you, so the sound much less threatening. A turn in the opposite direction, the noise intensified, the danger warned to stay back.

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

Isaiah 26:3

Faith and fear don’t mix. When we choose faith, we silence fear. When we choose fear, we silence faith.

It’s a trust issue. Do we trust faith or fear? One way or the other, we are making a choice. Intentionally or not, it’s a choice. Whose hand will I reach for to hold me steady? Will I reach toward my faith even though I’m scared to death? Or will I reach toward my fear with trembling arms?

See, either way I may be scared at the start.

It’s all about focus. If I am fixed on Him, I experience His calm, soothing voice. If I’m fixed on my fears, all I hear are the threats of what-ifs.

On the last leg of our family road trip, we each shared favorite moments. The pier walk did not earn a spot on my favorites list because it was clouded with fear. But you know what? It did earn a spot on the list of everyone in my family who silenced fear and enjoyed the stroll.

If I live my life with the voice of fear constantly allowed to speak, I will remain stuck and never arrive at the end of the pier and experience the beauty waiting. I’ll stand at the beginning and watch everyone else lean towards faith as they experience the joy of watching fear fade into the shadow of lies from which it dawned.

 

How do you handle when someone else gets what you want?

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Have you worked so hard on a project only to watch someone else receive credit for the work hours you labored through?

Have you watched a co-worker receive a promotion you felt was undeserved? Maybe you wonder if the powers in charge realize how much time she wastes on Facebook on company time?

Have you poured your heart and soul into a career path only to watch others receive what you can’t seem to reach no matter how hard you work?

Have you done all the “right” things but can’t seem to catch a break?

Depending on our mindset, if we aren’t careful, our thoughts can lead us to grow bitter heart roots. At the very root is often envy and jealousy. I recently listened to a devotion on the Abide app on healing from jealousy. I shared this, which I heard on this app, on Instagram. “At the root of jealousy is the belief that God is not good. It says ‘If God is good why won’t he give me what he’s giving other people.’”

Jealousy leads to bitterness.

I attended a convention recently where the keynote speaker, Bob Heilig, gave this challenge. Get better not bitter.

If you follow me on Instagram and my personal Facebook page, you know I’m passionate about proactive, natural health, particularly gut health. I spend a good deal of time corresponding with people who reach out to me. I send videos, ingredient sheets, testimonies, basically whatever they are requesting. This typically leads to the person deciding to try what I’m suggesting or deciding it’s not for them right now. Occasionally, something else happens.

At times I spend time answering all the questions and helping them however I can for them to respond something like this. “Thanks so much! I have another friend who does this so I ordered through her.” When I first started, this drove me bonkers. I wondered if they didn’t understand that I get paid commissions and bonuses but not a salary.

Recently, I experienced this scenario with a twist.

Turn vent session into prayer session

When the person thanked me for all my time and help and informed me they reached out to a friend they knew who represented my company, I felt immediate disappointment. I vented for a minute then prayed. I’m working on praying out my vents to God so He can speak to me in the middle of the feelings and thoughts I need help with.

My prayer went a little like this: “Ok, God, I’m super frustrated. You know how much time I spent and how I’ve prayed to help more people. She wanted help and now I feel I wasted that time that could have been helping others I could continue working with toward their health goals.”

Immediately Bob Heilig’s words popped in my head, “Get better not bitter.”

“God, don’t let me grow bitter roots. Thank you for all the people you’ve brought my way. And I pray blessings over this person and the friend she will work with. I pray blessings over her business. Thank you that with you there is always more than enough.”

God steered my thoughts instantly by showing me a picture of a gal like me. One who is praying big goals and big dreams. He showed me I don’t know the whole story.  He reminded me that He loves me and cares for me, and that is enough.

He is enough.

The company I’m part of is unlike anything I’ve experienced. The culture is of true oneness with generosity at the very core.

If I had stayed frustrated and focused on the negative, no good would come from that. What we focus on expands. I heard this multiple times at convention. I find it true in my life. When I focus on what I don’t get, my feeling of lack only grows. But when I focus on gratitude, my joy increases.

After my vent turned prayer session with God, I walked away feeling free and light. I felt true joy, true happiness. I didn’t have to carry the burden of jealousy and bitterness in my heart. I was free to walk hand in hand with God knowing He is for me not against me. He is the giver of all good things to all His children. And I really love that about Him.

 

Go deeper with God

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When death and life happened at the same time

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About a month after moving into our Nebraska house years ago, in a hot second, all chaos broke out as one of our boys began crying out that dead bunnies were in our backyard. It all happened so fast. Boys screaming and crying. Us trying to figure out what killed all the bunnies. Seeing blood on our sweet dog’s face. Us screaming at the dog. The confusion of how something like that could happen.

Then one of my boys began to cry as he relayed the sadness of the mama bunny nearby watching all her babies die. He was t0rmented by the sound of their death. To Bristol’s ears, it was nothing more than a squeaky toy he might play with on any given day. To us, it was pure sadness.

A nest of bunnies lived in the protection of one of our hosta plants. A freshly sprouted and blossomed spring hosta. A place of new life, for the plant and the bunnies. And in a second’s time, death happened where new life lived.

I associate that particular hosta with the death scene of that day I wish I’d never seen.

Spring arrived this year as it faithfully does. I walked by this site and stopped. In the middle of the dead from last year, new growth sprouted. It happens every year. We know this. But I felt the Lord remind me that I can focus on the death or I can focus on the new life.

Christ had to die before He resurrected. We celebrate His resurrection power every day we take a breath. I ponder His death. But daily I raise my heart in praise over His resurrection.

How often in my life am I focused on the death of something rather than the life produced later?

When God renews something in my life, I typically find something had to die first. A sin pattern perhaps. An idol. A false belief about who He is. Something died to make room for the life God desired to grow inside. If I stay focused on what died, I fail to celebrate what lives. I miss out.

I see this in relationships at times. They change over time. We change. People change. Life shifts. Parts of us die. Parts of us are refined or renewed. In the process this can be painful as we look back at how things “used to be”. Sometimes we realize that something has died and will never be again. Despair enters when we fail to mourn and then look at the new growth opportunities taking place.

So God reminded me to focus on the life blooming before me rather than the death that took place first. For too long I see that spot and think death. Yes, death happened, but new life comes over and over with each year.

When a relationship or situation shifts seasons, maybe it’s time to properly grieve what we’ve lost. And then. Open our hands to the new thing giving birth. Sometimes in that very same relationship or situation. Sometimes in something completely new altogether. Wherever our paths lead, if we are holding hands with Jesus, we can trust He will keep us steady along the way.

How a simple song can shift everything

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When I hear God

I seem to hear God the clearest when I’m in the shower or on a run. Maybe because I can’t multitask or fall into distraction with the ding of the phone or the hum of life. On one particular day, I lingered in the shower as the Lord dropped in my mind images and instructions from His Word.

I recently found myself in situations that felt like a constant assault from the enemy. One thing after another. I found it so easy to fall into despair and discouragement.

When I don’t like what I hear

I felt the Lord say, “Sing.” My initial thought went something like this, “I don’t feel like singing.”

I heard the words of a friend saying to do the right thing doesn’t have to come from feelings first. In fact, often we must make a choice to do what we don’t feel like doing. It will feel uncomfortable at first but over time, the feelings may follow. I’ve pondered that because my feelings stop me from doing the right and good thing far too often. When that person is wrong according to me, I don’t feel like showing love. Yet, I should.

Sometimes I have this interaction with God where it’s a back and forth volley. I am giving all my reasons and justifications for why what He says makes no sense to me. Yet, He patiently listens then offers maybe a word, or a picture, or a scene, or a song.

On this day as I told Him I didn’t feel like singing, He brought to my mind the scene from the Grinch where Christmas was stolen and they gathered and sang. It wasn’t circumstance that propelled them to sing. It was from a place of deep contentment and satisfaction. God wanted me to sing from a place of trust.

But there’s another part of that movie I’d forgotten, the part where the Grinch is describing his disdain for the Whos and their love of Christmas. The Grinch says, “And then they’ll do something I hate most of all….” He describes the Whos gathering close together and doing what he hates. “They’ll start singing.”

The Grinch envisioned them singing and became more agitated as he leaned into his dog, Max’s, face saying, “and they’ll sing and they’ll sing, and they’ll sing, sing, sing, sing, sing.” The narrator goes on to say the more the Grinch thought of the singing the more he realized he must stop the whole thing.

We are familiar with how the story goes. He steals Christmas but he couldn’t steal their joy. He couldn’t steal their singing. The material Christmas gone, they gathered and sang anyway.

What God speaks is for our good

The enemy hates singing. Singing is a proclamation that we are firm and steady despite the current situation.

Within minutes of God reminding me of this scene, a song came to mind. I raise a hallelujah. Side note: Do yourself a favor and play this song.

I looked up the lyrics.

Verse 1

I raise a hallelujah, in the presence of my enemies

I raise a hallelujah, louder than the unbelief

I raise a hallelujah, my weapon is a melody

I raise a hallelujah, Heaven comes to fight for me

Chorus

I’m gonna sing, in the middle of the storm

Louder and louder, you’re gonna hear my praises roar

Up from the ashes, hope will arise

Death is defeated, the King is alive

Verse 2

I raise a hallelujah, with everything inside of me

I raise a hallelujah, I will watch the darkness flee

I raise a hallelujah, in the middle of the mystery

I raise a hallelujah, fear you lost your hold on me

Bridge

Sing a little louder

In the presence of my enemies

Sing a little louder

Louder than the unbelief

Sing a little louder

My weapon is a melody

Sing a little louder

Heaven comes to fight for me

Tag

I raise a hallelujah

 

What My Singing Actually Proclaims

I remember reading Beth Moore’s book Praying God’s Word and her saying our peace is a secret weapon. When we sing despite our storm, we proclaim our peace out loud.

As I read the lyrics to this song, I realized what I was singing is who God is. He is King. Our hope is alive. He reigns, no storm I face is bigger than my ruling and reigning King. Our hope is in Him not our circumstances here.

A song changes what is happening in my heart by redirecting my attention and affection to God. Off myself, onto God Himself. A song proclaims His goodness. A song sends the darkness away. A song allows Heaven to fight on my behalf.

 

Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth! Serve the Lord with gladness! Come into his presence with singing!

Psalm 100:1-2

 

When Your Child Tells You He Wants To Be In Control Of His Life

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“Mom, I have a very important question for you.”

I climbed in the bed, sitting as close as possible. Bedtime. The time they open up and want to talk about all the things.

“You know how I like freedom and independence right?”

I nodded. He continued, “Well, I wondered. Can I make all my own choices for my life from now on? Can I make my own decisions without you guys choosing for me?”

Because he was completely serious, I knew not to laugh or even chuckle. Anyway, I never want to belittle his ponderings.

“Well, Andrew, making choices and decisions for your life comes with great responsibility. It takes much practice and failure to learn.”

His question actually sparked an important conversation I hope he tucks away.

Andrew began to question why his 15 year old brother stays up so much later than him. Why he can’t choose his own bedtime. I explained that Jacob has established trust with us over the course of 15 years. He’s not perfect. He’s made mistakes. But he’s begun the habit of making wise choices. With wise choices comes greater freedom. With greater freedom comes greater responsibility.

“Andrew, you aren’t prepared to carry the load of responsibility that will come with so much freedom. Not yet. I believe one day you will. But we need some practice in smaller areas first.”

He nodded with a heavy sigh.

The following day, I shared the conversation with the older boys. I explained that Jacob has proven we don’t need to dictate a bedtime. He doesn’t misuse the freedom. I explained that when trust is built, it’s a beautiful thing. Freedom in the hands of someone who guards and protects how they walk that freedom out is lovely.

I believe it’s Dr. Kevin Lehman who never gave his kids curfews. He let them choose what they thought was acceptable and found they always came home earlier than he would have even required.

We all long for some breathing room.

Andrew was quiet for a moment. A moment is about as long as he can remain silent.

“Well, are there some choices I can make on my own at least?”

“Yes, I think we can come up with a few. Let’s spend some time thinking about it and discuss in a few days.”

Now I need to shift gears on you a bit. I can’t leave this post here and allow you to walk away thinking it’s merely parenting advice and a sweet story. God has been doing a very deep work in my heart lately. I can’t say I’ve handled it so well either.

But God in His kindness has allowed enough circumstances to press in on me to force me into a place of dealing with what’s easier to stuff in the the dark closets of my soul.

Shame lives in the dark. And it’s time I allowed His light to bring out areas I’ve never surrendered to Him.

Do you remember at the beginning of the year I shared how I didn’t want a word for the year but God gave me one anyway? It was surrender.

You see, Andrew asked a question that if I’m honest, I hold in my heart as well. And maybe you do too? I can resist God when I fight to maintain control. When I have to have my way. When I want to essentially be in control of my own life.

It’s pride. And the thing about pride is that is has so many faces.

I did something that was harder than I realized it would be. I made an appointment with a christian counselor. It is something I’ve felt God nudging me to do for a very long time. But I’ve become a master at telling myself everything’s good and I’m fine. To make that call, I had to admit that I’m actually not fine. I’m not ok.

But maybe it’s ok to not be ok? I’ve spent my life being dictated by an inner perfectionist, even as a child of God. I’ve felt a need to have everything right. And when it’s not right the controller inside me kicks in to make it all right. And then I leave no room for the Holy Spirit because I’m elbowing Him out of the way.

Man. What a gracious God we serve! So good beyond what we fathom. So patient. So kind.

The very day Andrew posed this question, I found out Steve and I would be teaching a lesson on pride vs humility to the kindergarten thru 5th graders at church. I laughed. This is so like God. The very thing He has been trying to refine from my heart is the very thing I’m going to have to teach on?

God didn’t place me in the role of teaching because I’ve figured out how to walk in humility. Nope. It’s so I can lower myself to student and learn. Surrender. Let Him teach me.

Lastly, He told me to get down. Literally, physically lower my physical body. On my knees, on my belly. Get low.

Humble myself before Him. Surrender fully to Him.

Lord, thank you that you love us too much to leave us in our selfish pride and arrogance. Thank you that you will go to extreme measures to shape and mold us into the vessel You desire. We open our hands to You in surrender. We love you, Lord.